How Do You Like These Apples?

Every week for the past two months, I've gone to the grocery store near my house. My buddy calls it the "House of Rancid Lunchmeat," but I haven't gotten anything rancid from the deli.

I did get some detestable apples there recently (you've got your Golden Delicious, your Granny Smith, your Red Delicious, and your Detestable) and they were utterly inedible.

Some apples are good for eating raw; some apples are good for recipes. These were good only for throwing at mean old ladies' houses on Halloween. But even that wasn't solely the fault of the House of Rancid Lunchmeat --- the apples didn't look good when I bought them. Since I have that Depression-era hunkie hatred of throwing away food, I finally gave the rest of the bag to someone I know with a farm, so that she could feed them to her horses. For all I know, the horses wouldn't eat 'em, either. Horses are not known for their fear of throwing away food; very few of them could be considered "thrifty."

I wonder who the horses gave the apples too? The pigs? They'll eat anything. I don't think they have pigs on her farm, though ...

Where was I? Ah, yes, in the middle of a story that's going nowhere, and which has absolutely no payoff. You may as well just go somewhere else now, because it's all downhill from here.

Anyway, every week I go to the House of Rancid Lunchmeat and write a check, and every time the cashier has to go to the office to get it approved, because the House of Rancid Lunchmeat only has one check approval machine. And since there's usually a line of people buying lottery tickets at the office, I wait at the checkout line patiently while the people behind me think of new and interesting ways to kill me with produce and things they can snatch from the displays near the cash register.

(I can see the scene at the coroner's office now: "How do you think they got a National Enquirer way up there? And check out this picture of Barbra Streisand on the cover! Did you know she's gotten heavy?")

This week, the cashier looked at me and said, "Have you applied for a check-cashing card?"

I said, "No, would that make this easier?"

She said, "Oh, my, yes! I wouldn't have to go to the office." And she handed me an index card to fill out.

"You know, you're the first person to tell me this, and I've been coming here for two months," I said. "Thank you."

I resisted the urge to turn around and tell the people fuming in line behind me, "See? It's not my fault!"

Good thing, too, because by now they were building a effigy out of Juicy Fruit PlenTPaks and preparing to set it on fire with blister-packed Scripto lighters.

...

Who the heck was Granny Smith, anyway?

...

Subdivided Bob is "nebby"; a reader helps him track the etymology of the word. It's better'n goin' to a liberry an' at!

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The weekly newspaper in Crawford, Texas --- the small town where President Bush has his ranch --- has endorsed John Kerry.

Can you imagine how shaken the President must feel to learn that the 425-circulation Lone Star Iconoclast has gone over to his opponent? I can see him now, with his head in his hands. He turns to Karl Rove and says, "My God, if we've lost the Iconoclast, we've lost Prairie Chapel Road and the Tonkawa Falls RV park."

The Iconoclast's surprise endorsement is expected to have a wide-ranging impact on absolutely no one. Except perhaps on the Iconoclast:

At the Yellow Rose, one of a handful of businesses that have opened since Bush bought the ranch while he was Texas' governor, manager Teresa Bowdoin rolled her eyes when a reporter asked if she sold the paper at the store. "I'd just as soon burn it," she said. "I understand it's a free world, but sometimes I feel like they're shoving the free world down our throats."

Bowdoin said several local business owners had talked about pulling their advertising from the paper because of the endorsement. She said the Iconoclast was hurting itself by opposing the man who had brought fame and economic growth to town. "We'll never advertise with them again," she said.

Well, you know what a wise man once said: "There ought to be limits to freedom."

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Meanwhile, hot on the trails of the startling revelations in Sunday's New York Times Magazine --- namely, that they have the Internet on computers now --- comes The Washington Post's poll asking for readers to vote for the best blogs. All of the usual suspects are represented: Lileks, Wonkette, Daily Kos, National Review Online, etc. Vote early and vote often.

Which reminds me: Monday is the deadline to register to vote in Pennsylvania. Forms are available at libraries and state offices, or register at the Allegheny County Division of Elections office dahntahn.