Bits 'n Bytes

In world news, there are unconfirmed reports from France that Yasser Arafat is brain dead. No offense, but how does this surprise people? It's been fairly obvious for a long time.

Tom Lehrer said once that "satire died" when Henry Kissinger was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize; for me, it died when Arafat got one. I don't wish ill on anyone, but it will be hard for many people to shed tears when Arafat passes onto his final reward.

In other news, a National Guard F-16 fighter pilot on a nighttime training mission strafed a New Jersey elementary school last night.

Geez, I suspected that the Bush administration would want retribution on the states that went for Yawn Kerry, but I didn't think it would happen so quickly!

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Bo Grace's comic strip "Piranha Club" (formerly "Ernie"), which runs locally in both the Trib and the P-G, hits about as often as it misses. But I thought last week's sequence, exploring a Ralph Nader presidency, was a hoot.

Judge for yourself. Start with last Monday and work your way forward to Saturday: Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | Saturday

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Our Steel Valley correspondent, Dan Speed, passes along this link to the video clip portion of the Ohio State Highway Patrol Web site. Have any questions that routine police work is dangerous? This should settle those doubts.

And if you like those car crashes, you might also like these little movies from "Something Awful." (Warning: The language is not family-friendly.) "Letter from the Internet, Vol. 1," is my favorite, by far. (You need a Macromedia Flash player to view those movies.)

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I share James Lileks' reservations about "trick-or-treat":

Let's review the situation, children. You are masked. You are engaged in an extortionate activity, threatening tricks unless I give you candy; I comply with your demands. Your next move:

A. Say "thank you, sir" and walk away with grace and cheerful confidence. Or ... B. Lope away like some slope-shouldered goblin who probably thinks "manners" is a slang term for a part of the body. Dude hit me right in the manners.

Experience has taught me that the answer is usually B. And you say hey, Mr. Wilson, do you want kids to show up like Dickensian orphans, lined up, bags out, desperately putting on a false show of cheer and gratitude? Well, yes. Please sir, may we have some more? No! Who do you think I am, Father Hershey? Now begone.

And while we're at it, if you're old enough to shave (and that goes for the girls, too), you're too old for trick or treat.

The most bizarre costume we had in our neighborhood was the boy --- he looked to be 11 or 12 --- who was dressed up in his sister's cheerleading outfit, skirt, pom-poms and all. I thought: Dude, that may have seemed like a creative idea at the time, but you are going to get such an ass-kicking after lunch tomorrow.

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Last political comment from me for a while, I promise:

My mother called me the other night to vent her own frustrations over the election, and I made a joke about "looking for apartments in Canada."

She jumped all over my case: "If you really love America, it's your duty to change it, not to give up on it."

Like the old joke goes, when I was 17, I thought my parents were stupid. Now, I wonder how they got so smart so quickly.

Lots of people aren't joking about it. According to Canadian Press, "Canada's immigration website is being flooded with a record-smashing number of visits from U.S. Democrats dismayed by the prospect of four more years living under President George W. Bush. His re-election has some long-faced U.S. liberals apparently musing that perhaps Canada's cold winters, high taxes and strained health system are more easily endured than their commander-in-chief."

I happen to be a Canadaophile --- I have Canadian relatives and subscribe to Maclean's, and I can probably tell you more about Canadian politics than you'd ever want to know. (There are also several Canadian connections to Our Fair City, most notably that several Mon-Yough area football players have wound up playing professionally in the CFL.)

Nevertheless, all this moving to Canada silliness is crazy talk, as we used to say in the old neighborhood. This is my country, too, darn it. I think my political views --- which basically come down to "live and let live" and "don't push your beliefs on someone else" --- is much closer to the political mainstream than the Republican Party nationally. I've been very offended by having to listen to Republicans question the patriotism of Democrats, but reports that Democrats are "fleeing" to Canada only gives their criticism some creedence, doesn't it?

If I ever move to Canada, it will be because I happen to like winter (I'm nuts that way) and want a change of scenery.

It sure as heck won't be because I like to pay 12 percent sales tax, which is what I think I paid the last time I was in Ontario. Sheesh!

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In a related story, the Daily News carried a chart the other night showing the presidential vote in Mon-Yough area communities. Most went for Kerry by wide margins, except for Elizabeth Township, Jefferson Hills, Pleasant Hills and White Oak. Complete election returns for all Mon-Yough area communities are available in a separate Almanac page today.

(UPDATE: By my count, Irwin, North Irwin and North Huntingdon Township also went for Bush, and by fairly healthy margins in a few wards. Westmoreland County as a whole also went for Bush, of course, so this is not surprising.)

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To Do This Weekend: Santa Claus arrives at Century III Mall, West Mifflin, tomorrow at 10 a.m. (Already? Groan.) ... Ladies Auxiliary of Circleville Volunteer Fire Department hosts a fall craft show from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Sunday. Call 724-864-3424.