Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

In high school, one of the guys in our clique --- which was too dorky for the nerds and too nerdy for the dorks --- began to noticeably lose his hair during sophomore year. Needless to say, demonstrating the sensitivity, wit and grace that are hallmarks of teen-age boys, we behaved with dignity and class.

No, of course not. We teased him unmercifully. He would wear hats to cover up the hair loss; we'd sneak up behind him and steal them. And then we'd complain about the glare off of his scalp.

Karma, as they say, is a (witch), and God is getting even with us. Two of us are sporting large foreheads these days, and I've noticed that a third member of our group is developing just the slightest bald spot.

I have vowed not to resort to a Rudy Giuliani/Donald Trump style combover, and so far, I'm sticking to that. Instead, I've been having the barber cut the rest of my hair really, really short, perhaps in the hope that people will think that I'm some how having it "styled" that way. What sort of hairstyle calls for the front part to be plucked out, anyway?

OK, so, I'm grasping at straws --- or is that hairs? At least it looks even.

The problem is that I rarely have time to go to the barber shop, and when I do have time, I don't have the money, so for several weeks a month, my hair ends up looking something like Dagwood Bumstead's --- bizarrely thin on top and splaying out at wild angles on the sides. (Ah, but if only I was married to Blondie Boopadoop!)

My barber recently raised his price from $11 to $13, which doesn't seem fair. That works out to about 25 cents a hair for me, after all, and it only takes him half as long to cut my hair as it does other customers. If anything, I should be getting a 50 percent discount!

I made that argument, by the way, and he doesn't agree. I didn't press the point, because I try never to argue with a man who's holding a straight razor.

I had a meeting earlier this week, and my hair was looking typically awful, especially around my ears and at the back of my neck. To clean it up a little, I tried trimming the shaggy parts on the side, and shaving my neck. From the front, it didn't look too bad --- or so I thought --- but that night I stopped at the barber shop, and my barber blanched when I sat down in his chair.

"Um ... did someone try to ... um ... trim your hair?" he said, cautiously, as he fastened the smock over my shoulders.

I chuckled. "Well, I had a meeting today, and I just tried to touch it up with a razor," I said. "Why, is it crooked?"

He didn't chuckle. Indeed, I've never heard him so serious. "Um ... well ... it's pretty obvious," he said. "It's going to take me a while to fix this." Keep in mind I'd been walking around all day, apparently, with giant jagged checkmarks carved into the back of my head.

And then he got to the sides.

"Whoa," he said. "I'm going to have to clean your sideburns up, too. Do you know there's a big chunk taken out of them?"

He fixed the damage. I no longer look as if I shave on a ferry crossing Lake Erie in a heavy storm while I'm drunk, so in retrospect, he deserves the extra two bucks for trying to polish a lump of coal into a diamond.

I will say this much. In high school, I used to say I'd rather have gray hair than go bald, because at least with gray hair, you look distinguished. When I got home and inspected the haircut closely, I noticed that I've finally got my wish.

Sure enough, there they were ... gray hairs.

I can't wait for the rest of my hair to turn gray. Then, instead of a dork with big chunks carved out of the back of his bald head, I'll look like a distinguished dork with big chunks carved out of the back of his bald head.

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Deepest sympathies to the family and friends of Post-Gazette critic Ron Weiskind, who died Thursday at age 54. I knew him only from his byline, but very much enjoyed his work. Requiescat in pace.

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Tip of the Tube City hard hat to the Tribune-Review's editorial cartoonist, Randy Bish, whose take on Yasser Arafat's death pulls absolutely no punches, and made me laugh out loud to boot. When Randy scores, he scores big.

Tip also to James Lileks, who goes much farther than I would have --- though I can't say I disagree with him:

Our paper had this headline: "Enduring Symbol of Palestine Dies." Personally, I'm old school. I'd go with something, oh, factual, like "ARAFAT DEAD." Hard to argue. Hard to find bias. I don't know what would be satisfying, really. "Goaty Old Fiend Expires, Loses Power, Fortune, Bowel Control; Fills Room with Odor of Offal and Urine" would put people off their breakfast, I suppose. I am content to know he is not in Hell. Nope. Arafat did not go to Hell. He boards the ferry, yes; he makes it halfway across the River Styx, yes. Then the ferry blows up. Ten times a day for eternity. For a start.

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And now, the moment that no one has been waiting for. Last month I asked for your best recommendations for places where you would take a visitor in Our Fair City and the Mon-Yough area. The contest was to end last week, but in the spirit of Governor Rendell, I decided to extend the deadline so that overseas absentee ballots could be counted.

Second prize goes to Deane M., who suggested taking a visitor to Renziehausen Park during International Village. I think it's a wonderful idea, and it gets second prize only because International Village happens just once per year. Deane is going to get a consolation prize, just as soon as I think of what it is!

First place goes to the reader calling himself "Professor Quackenbush," who writes:

The Mon Yough Trail ... has been strangely absent from Tube City postings, which is unfortunate. Our Fair City is increasingly becoming a stopping or starting point for people to access the trail. More important, the Pittsburgh-McKeesport link is one of only two unfinished sections of the trail, which sees something like 400,000 visitors every year, each of whom spend between $5 and $15.

And these visitors aren't your typical tree huggers. Parents, kids, retired people all use the trail, too. Check the Boston access parking lot any weekend. Better yet, try finding a parking space there after 10 a.m.

The widflowers, river, rock outcroppings, and history make the Yough Trail a spectacular getaway. Truly, it's a Western Pennsylvania jewel.

Meet the regulars. There's Hammer Chuck who often bikes a 100-mile length of the trail on a banana-yellow Tour Easy, the Cadillac of bicycles. Try keeping up with him. He'll leave you in the dust every time. And the kicker is that depending on who you ask, Chuck is between 70 and 80 years old. He could easily pass for 50. In fact, look closely at any of the older bikers. Every one looks at least 10 years younger than their age.

While bikers discover the beauty of the trail, Our Fair City is barely aware of the treasure nearby, barely aware of the thousands of visitors passing through on their way to the trail.

Hmmm. I wonder how popular the Pittsburgh-McKeesport link will be once it's finished. I wonder how many bikers will make the trip from Pittsburgh, eat lunch in Our Fair City, maybe buy some other stuff before returning to Pittsburgh. I know I can't wait to try it. And I know that's happening at many of the trail access points where businesses has sprouted up. In Fayette County, a developer is marketing a new subdivision of homes based on its proximity to the trail. Say, is there a message here?

Professor Quackenbush receives his choice of any item from the Tube City Online store. Perhaps we need to start selling some sweatshirts so that he can keep warm while peddling his Schwinn? Which sounds vaguely dirty, now that I think of it.

Your suggestions for sections that we can add to Tube City Online are always welcome, of course. Email them to jt3y at dementia dot org.

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To Do This Weekend: If you're in Utrecht, The Netherlands this weekend, the "Bone Dog All-Stars" will be performing at Europe's premier blues event, the Blues Estafette. The front men are Tommy Brown and Roy Lee Johnson, while the backup band features Kenny Blake, Robbie Klein and McKeesport's Zane Berlinski.

Since the Netherlands is kind of a long drive, you may want to instead check out the "Band Bash" on Sunday at the Versailles American Legion. Proceeds benefit a program to send items to troops overseas. Doors open at 12 noon, admission is $12, and featured groups include In the Saddle, Blind Date, Sterling Run and more. For more information, call (412) 751-5760.

McKeesport Little Theater's production of Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" closes its run this weekend. Call (412) 673-1100.