Through a Cloudy Crystal Ball

The following is baseless speculation. Any resemblance to any real events is purely dumb luck. It is a conspiracy theory that ranks closely with the notions that commercial passenger jets are spraying middle America with mind-control potions via their exhaust trails, or that Richard Nixon was on the grassy knoll in Dallas with a Mannlicher-Carcano rifle.

It stems from a conversation that Alert Reader Officer Jim and I had the other day. I'd say that we were drunk, but he was going on duty and it was a little early in the day for me. (On the other hand, we were a little hyper-caffeinated.)

We got to talking about the ongoing federal grand jury investigations into alleged misuse of the coroner's office by Dr. Cyril Wecht, and the simultaneous federal probe into supposed fundraising irregularities by Allegheny County Sheriff Pete "The Big Ragu" DeFazio and Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy.

Like me, Officer Jim can't figure out exactly why the feds are probing Wecht. Even if he did misuse his office --- and that's only a rumor of what the allegations are, because no one is saying for the record --- we can't figure out why the feds would be involved. That sounds like a state or county matter to us.

It strikes me that the only way the federal government would have jurisdiction would be if there were allegations of income tax evasion or civil rights violations. (Or possibly mail fraud. Wecht isn't offering mail-order autopsies, is he?)

We're also not sure why Murphy is still under investigation. The allegation is that the firefighters' union endorsed him in exchange for his agreement on their new contract. But as several people have pointed out, isn't that how political dealmaking is done everywhere? Without that kind of horse-trading, government would grind to a halt. (Exhibit A, may it please the court, would be the current U.S. Senate battle over John Bolton. That's what happens when elected officials refuse to compromise and make nice.) As long as a cash bribe didn't change hands, where's the crime?

"It seems like something's going around," said Officer Jim, noting that the feds have gotten several convictions in a municipal corruption scandal in Philadelphia that has connections to that city's mayor, John Street.

Like Murphy, Wecht and DeFazio, Street is a Democrat.

And Officer Jim pointed out that Erie Mayor Rick Filippi (a Democrat) is also under federal indictment in a bribery scandal. (He also has heard reports of a grand jury probe in Scranton, but that turns out to be a state investigation into abuse at the Lackawanna County Prison.)

Isn't it curious that the Justice Department is probing all of this alleged corruption by Democrats as Pennsylvania's most prominent Democrat, Ed Rendell, prepares to run for re-election and a member of one of the state's most prominent Democratic families, Bob Casey Jr., prepares to run against Rick Santorum for the U.S. Senate?

And wouldn't it be a nice present both to Santorum and Rendell's eventual Republican opponent if a whole bunch of indictments against prominent Democrats were to come down early next year?

OK, we're dangerously close to black helicopter territory, I know. I'm sure it's all just coincidence, and one that's not that surprising, to boot, since Pennsylvania is not known as a model of good government. (Though compared to our neighbors in New Jersey and New York, Pennsylvania is cleaner than the Little Sisters of the Poor.)

Still, until something happens --- say, the feds get some indictments in Pittsburgh or drop their investigations, or some "Deep Throat" wannabe spills their guts to the news media --- speculation is all we've got. That hardly seems fair to anyone involved, but that's life in the big city, I suppose.

Coming tomorrow: A theory about how Sheetz is conspiring with The Pillsbury Co. and the Illuminati to keep the price of cinnamon rolls high. Don't miss it!

...

In other news, scientists at Pitt and in Russia are working on a grand unified theory of everything that can go wrong in the world. At least that's according to The Onion.

Says America's finest news source, "the list is widely believed to include hundreds of trillions of potential scenarios, from 'cement truck with soft brakes cutting swath of destruction across quiet suburban subdivision' to 'snagging shirt cuff on door latch'":

During a recent tour of the facilities at the University of Pittsburgh, the scenarios were projected onto a large screen as they were processed.

"Accidentally breaking off hand of Infant Of Prague statuette while gently trying to clean it with cotton swab and soapy water," the projection screen read. "Briefs get wedged in area between bureau drawers and base unit, making it difficult to dislodge them; sleeping with neck twisted awkwardly, resulting in headache; absent-mindedly discarding bus ticket with tissue; placing fingers too close to prongs while plugging in night-light, resulting in mild electrical shock."

How did the mainstream media miss this vital story? Is this another example of liberal/conservative bias (he said, planting his tongue firmly into his cheek)?

(My standard disclaimer --- I don't speak for Pitt and they don't speak for me --- applies here.)

...

Following up on yesterday's Almanac item about Frank Striffler's collection of antique cars, Dorothy Yagodich had a nice story in Sunday's Trib about a Mon-Yough area family and their love affair with a 1965 Ford Mustang. Dad bought it new and gave it to his son, who sold it to someone who promised to restore it. When that man decided to sell it, the son bought it back in time to surprise his dad on his 78th birthday.

The son, Ric Frantz, is from Rostraver and owns a car detailing shop in Monessen. The restoration, Yagodich writes, was done by Jim Musisko of Liberty Borough.

All of this reminds me that it's car show season in Almanac-land. I know that the Elks on Buttermilk Hollow Road in Lincoln Place is once again holding their Thursday night car cruise, and that attendance has been strong. If you know of any others, drop me a note, mm-kay?