I Wish It Was An Oscar Mayer Weiner

(Editor's Note: See update below.)

Some mornings I wake up and have absolutely nothing to write about (which you've no doubt noticed if you've been here more than once).

Other days, I wake up, turn on the radio, and the good Lord just drops a topic right into my ... well, my lap.

This, as reported by KDKA-TV, is what happens when we don't have a decent restaurant Downtown:

Authorities are now investigating a strange incident in McKeesport. Someone brought a severed male body part to a GetGo to heat up in the microwave, and now police are trying to find the culprit.

I'll give you two guesses which "male body part" was found. (Hint: It wasn't the pinky toe.) The Post-Gazette, though quoting KDKA, at least correctly identified the offending microwavable delicacy by its medical name, i.e. "the John Thomas."

McKeesport police say a man walked into the store, located on Fifth Avenue, and asked the clerk to use the microwave oven.

After the clerk noticed a strange smell coming from the microwave, she opened the door and discovered human male genitalia cooking inside.

The man ran from the store after she made the discovery. She then called the police. Some people were shocked at the news of the discovery.

"Some" people?

Naturally, I have a lot of questions:

1. Since when are you allowed to bring outside food into the GetGo?
2. Did he intend to ask for condiments?
3. Did he buy it with his Giant Eagle "Advantage" card, and if so, does he have a chance to save money on his next gasoline purchase?
4. How long did he keep it in the microwave that it started to smell "strange"? (It seems to me that a minute or two would have been sufficient.)

Incidentally, for those of you following along at home, this is the second severed-penis incident from Our Fair City to make the news (I'm holding out the possibility that there were many, many more that the media has covered up) in less than three years.

Nobody asked me, but someone might want to head down to 15th and Market and check the water treatment plant, 'cause something strange is going around.

In a related story, a corporate spokesman tells the Tube City Almanac that plans by GetGo to introduce a "John Wayne Bobbitt Dog" are on indefinite hold.

Although I usually stop at the GetGo at least once a week to get doughnuts, I could probably stand to lay off of those for a while anyway. Certainly my appetite isn't really strong right now.

Nevertheless, I think I speak for all patrons of the store when I say I'm sure glad he didn't ask to use the roller grill.

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Update: It turns out that Percy was an impostor, according to the Post-Gazette:

Chief Pero said the woman who was in the store contacted police this morning and said the object was a sex toy filled with urine. Chief Pero said she explained it needed to be heated to body temperature for use in an employment drug screen she needed to take.

Then why did the clerk at GetGo say it smelled "strange"? I would have thought anyone who worked Downtown would be familiar with the smell of stale urine. Just walk past any of the bus shelters and take a big whiff.

There are still many unanswered questions. For instance, why was she taking the drug test using a male appendage? I mean, what the heck kind of a job was she applying for? And why would you heat it up in a microwave? Wouldn't the tester have noticed that the urine being supplied was a little hot? ("Gee, should steam be coming out of there?")

And seriously --- even if you did have to pass a drug test, would you take a plastic willie full of whiz to a convenience store and heat it up in a public microwave? Wouldn't you be a little bit more discreet?

I've said it many times before, but it bears repeating: We are in absolutely no need of our own Mensa chapter in the Mon-Yough area.

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To Do This Weekend: The drama club at Community College of Allegheny County's South Campus is presenting scenes from plays by Tennessee Williams and Arthur Miller, 8 p.m. nightly in the auditorium. A donation is requested. Call (412) 469-6219. ... Also this weekend, South Campus presents the art exhibit "Bounties of Africans & Women: Two Centuries of Progress." Call (412) 237-4653. ... Jitterbug dancing returns to The Palisades ballroom, Fifth Avenue at Water Street, at 8 p.m. Saturday. Call (412) 678-6979.