Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Lack of Point

I just received a spam email from "Corine" advertising some sort of enlargement potion. That's not unusual by itself, though I did enjoy the subject line: "Impotence Cyril." Maybe that's the real reason he was in the hospital this week.

Ha! I slay me. And as we open up the ol' mailbag, we find our first missive is from Alert Reader Jeff of Hempfield, who writes regarding my tongue-lashing of those among his neighbors who are upset at the idea of paying for state police protection:

Step back from the ledge of the People's Building, my boy. Hempfield long ago figured out that one way to attract new residents is to have no cops --- keeps the taxes down.

It apparently doesn't bother the retail sector, since Hempfield is the shopping capital of Westmoreland County.

As we Hempfieldians (Hempfieldians?) already know, we don't have much real crime --- robberies, assaults, burglaries, etc. So when we do, we have a professional police force handle it.

If we had local cops, they'd spend all their time chasing kids off of playgrounds, setting up bullsh-t speed traps to pay for themselves and harassing otherwise solid citizens who might have a beer or two too many at the Grapeville fire hall.

If Hempfield and Unity start police forces, PSP-Greensburg will have nothing to do --- like the utterly redundant PSP-Washington Boulevard.

P.S. If you want to think REALLY BIG, how's this: Disband Greensburg, South Greensburg and Southwest Greensburg PDs and start a regional department for those three, Hempfield and Unity.

Jeff, I know why Hempfield Township doesn't want to pay for police. Duh: After all, I just finished my 2005 borough wage tax statement and just received my 2006 real estate tax notice. Hey, I don't want to pay for 'em, either. Also, I don't wanna pay for gas, phone, electric, etc.

I also know that Hempfield is not a den of crime and sin.

It's just that I, like the other taxpaying residents of North Bittyburg Borough, a suburb of Our Fair City, happen to think that it is --- to use a legal term --- "a pile of crap" for Hempfield to still be feeding at the state's trough.

If my mortgage company and I have to write checks to North Bittyburg to the tune of $1,700 per year --- and something like 60 percent of our borough tax dollars go to pay for public safety --- then why should Hempfield's 40,000 residents still get a free ride?

And PSP Greensburg will have plenty to do, chasing speeders on Route 22 and keeping perverts from picking up 14-year-old girls at the McDonald's in Irwin. (But you're behind the times on the Washington Boulevard barracks, which closed more than a decade ago, if I remember correctly, after two generations of terrorizing 16-year-olds who had to take their driver's license tests.)

I like your idea of the regional police force, though. More communities should be looking in that direction. Since so many of our boroughs can only afford to have one, or perhaps two, police officers on duty at a time; and since many of those have only part-time police officers; a lot of borough PDs are already backing up their neighbors on a regular basis. Why not formalize the arrangement and create regional police --- and pay the officers one full-time wage instead of a bunch of part-time wages?

Alas, I think it's going to take a major disaster of either the natural or financial kind before we get more inter-governmental cooperation in the Mon-Yough area.

...

Alert Reader David enjoyed the Almanac's poke in the eye at the Penguins, and writes:

Jason, one of my light bulbs just burned out; do you think the government will fund a new house for us? My neighbor needs a new furnace. New homes, we want new homes! If we continue to fund freeloading mooches who are already rich, we won't have enough money to take care of our old, decrepit homes.

Speaking of freeloading mooches, did you hear Michael Keaton's comments about the Pirates at their home opener?

"I fear they will take advantage of the good will of the people who continue to show up. For my money, that's disrespectful. Look, I'd do it, too, if I were a businessman. But, at some point, you've got to win. I think fans have been gracious. And maybe not vocal enough. Maybe not vociferous enough with their displeasure. That's my opinion."

To quote Bill Cosby: "Rat on, rat on, rat on." Bully on Keaton for calling it like it is.

...

Alert Reader Rich from Seattle, Wash., writes:

I studied at Penn State McKeesport in 1978-1980. Wondering what happened to a store called Helmstadters --- I worked there as a delivery truck driver, the winter of 1978-79. I remember that it was founded in 1906, was still being run by the sons of the founder ("Mr. Richard" and "Mr. John") who were then in their 80's. I swept up the wood floors, took out the trash, changed light bulbs, etc. when there were no packages to deliver. One day, while I was washing the front windows, I heard a big THUD behind me --- a rusted out transformer the size of a gallon paint can had fallen out of the 30 foot high neon sign and crashed to the sidewalk! I don't think the neon sign had worked for decades.

Wondered what year the store closed (probably early 1980's) and what happened to the building? Their slogan was "You can always get it at Helmstadters," my college friends kidded me about that a bit.

Oddly enough, I recently interviewed a member of the Helmstadter family. Did you know the store was originally located down in the 300 block --- in fact, they had an annex on the second floor of the building that Murphy's was later located in? Or that they sold appliances and groceries at one time? I didn't, either.

Although "Mr. Richard" died in 1988, Helmstadter's actually closed only a few years ago ... maybe 1997 or 1998, maybe a little bit longer.

When I was a kid, Helmstadters was the place to go get Boy Scout items. They also did a fairly good trade in house hardware (blinds, screens, curtain rods), camping gear and kitchen items. Some of the rest of the merchandise was ancient, and I can't believe anyone ever bought that stuff.

Visiting the store was like going back in time --- pressed-tin ceilings, wooden floors, wooden counters. I also loved the big mechanical cash register with the exposed gears. I think the store finally closed because the family decided to retire, but as far as I know, they were still making a living --- they just decided it was time to close.

...

Meanwhile, from an Air Force base somewhere in Korea (the Almanac gets around), Alert Reader Sgt. Don is trying to find information on the old "Dynasty" night club:

The memories were great; it was high schools from all over could come and have fun and make friends. Know this is going to be kind of tough, but any help would be greatly appreciated. I have seemed to hit road blocks left and right. I am trying to find out where I could get the blueprints for the club/banquet hall. The owner of the club was a substitute at the high school. Anything you could find out would be great. When I get back in town from Korea I will have to look you up and take you to lunch. ... You are the kind of person that is good for the soul, (for) bringing back those old memories to pass on to your children and grand children.

I think "Dynasty" was the club on Lincoln Way in White Oak, near the White Oak borough building, correct? It had previously been "2002," "The White Elephant," and way, way back, "Hotel Belvedere." Unfortunately, it burned to the ground a few years ago. (Well, maybe more than a few years ago.)

I've put out requests before for information on the "Elephant," but haven't gotten much.

My first reaction is that blueprints probably don't exist any more. And the building was modernized and remodeled so many times over the years (the layers of renovations were a factor, as I understand it, in the fire that destroyed the building) that accurate blueprints probably never existed. If they're anywhere, there might be a very basic floorplan on file at the Allegheny County Recorder of Deeds office. (That doesn't help you much in Korea, I know.)

So, I'll throw the question out, and see if anyone can help. I have the Sarge's email address --- if you have some information, contact me.

And Sgt. Don: I'll buy the lunch, as a "thank you" for serving --- keep 'em flying!

...

Finally, as further proof of our international appeal (or lack thereof), we received the following comments from "Holly" in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Holly was perturbed by an Almanac I wrote back in April 2004 about rudeness, and which compared manners in the U.S. with those in Canada.

Well, after nearly two years, Holly felt moved to reply. Now, I realize that it takes time to digest the finely polished pearls of wit at the Almanac, but two years seems a little excessive. Do they receive the Internet by packet boat in British Columbia? She writes:

After reading your article: "Don't Call Me Rude, You Jerk," I have come to a startling revelation: you ARE rude, you jerk!

(Editor's note: It ain't that startling, believe me. Others have reached the same conclusion)

I (and here I speak for all Canadians) am not a dweeb, although I will take credit for being "peaceful, polite, and civic-minded" (except, of course when offended by the anti-loyal, separatist American). "And how smart can you be if you live in Canada?" Well let's see... smart enough to invent basketball, the telephone, insulin, the light bulb (we sold the patent to Thomas Edison), the television and standard time.

Smart enough to have multiple Nobel Prize winners, sports legends (like Wayne Gretzky and Steve Nash), and be the home of even American-grown stars like John Travolta and Meg Ryan.

Plus, you stated that the Macleans poll showed that 77 percent of Canadians think that society has become less civil. Well I have that same Macleans article in my warm, un-mittened hands, and it says nothing of the sort, stating that 65 percent of Canadians expect public manners to deteriorate over the next decade, and that 61 percent of AMERICANS think that incivility has worsened in recent years. So, in summary, GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!! Why don't you come to Canada and see how "dweeb-ish" we really are!

Well, I don't know why I'm responding to this, but I am. Alert Condi Rice: We have an international incident brewing.

Holly, you may want to get a copy of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary ($40.16 CDN at Chapters) and check out the entry on "sarcasm." For some examples in the wild, try watching Rick Mercer.

I just checked that poll again, and I was correct: 77 percent of Canadians think society is becoming less civil. I suspect that only 61 percent of Americans think that incivility has worsened simply because we didn't have very far to drop.

Also, I take a back seat (in a McLaughlin Buick, no less) to no one in my admiration for Canada's contributions to science, technology and culture, so I have to protest when the best defense of your fair country that you can muster is that John Travolta and Meg Ryan now live there.

Good grief! Mordecai Richler is spinning in his grave, while in that great darkroom in the sky, Yousuf Karsh is smashing his cameras in despair. Leonard Cohen is weeping. William Shatner ... well, Lord only knows what he's doing.

So, if you're speaking for all Canadians, then on behalf of myself, my relatives in Ontario, the Almanac, and the South Wilmerding auxiliary police, I demand an immediate apology, or else it's war, I tells ya!

I choose the weapons to be doughnuts at 10 paces: Your Tim Hortons vs. our Dunkin' Donuts, and may the best crullers win!