The Old College Try

I'm always nervous about writing about colleges and universities, because I know where I get my meal ticket. For instance, I would never, never write what Bob Braughler wrote this week about UPMC, or as I call it, "Choose a health plan as if your job depended on it." God bless UPMC, I say.

To paraphrase Nathan Hale (or maybe it was Nathan Lane), "I only regret I have but one life to give for my deductible." Come to think of it, maybe it was McHale's Navy. (The good one, with Ernest Borgnine, not the one with what's his face.)

To make a long story short, and I usually don't, I don't like to write about colleges or universities without a prominent disclaimer that opinions expressed at Tube City Almanac are not those of my employers or any organization with which I happen to be affiliated, and may not be reproduced without express written permission of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Major League Baseball.

I'm glad the trend of taking mediocre 1960s TV sitcoms and making terrible feature films has ended. Now they're just taking mediocre 1960s TV cartoons and making terrible feature films from them. I mean, a live action Underdog? Wally Cox would just plotz.

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Let's start over: I don't like to write about colleges or universities (Editor's Note: Don't go through all that again, please.), but I notice that Chatham College is now Chatham University. "We are You" (get it?) goes the new slogan. Chatham used to be Pennsylvania College for Women. First they took out the "Women" (and you thought guys from Carnegie Mellon took out Chatham women, ha ha!) and now they've taken out the "College."

Chatham joins Point Park University (motto: "Quality education just a bus transfer away"), Robert Morris University ("Home of the Fighting CPAs Colonials"), Carlow University ("Just as Catholic as Duquesne, so nyahh") and Seton Hill University ("Hill, not Hall!") in changing from colleges to universities.

As I understand it, calling yourself a "university" instead of a "college" signifies that you offer graduate degrees, and it's somewhat more prestigious than being a "college." Also, in some foreign countries, the word "college" doesn't necessarily signify post-secondary education. Chatham College would be at a real disadvantage if financial aid officers in Belize won't give students financial aid because they think it's a glorified high school.

I can understand the need for money, but I remember when other countries wanted American dollars, not the other way around. Why, you could go to the movies with a nickel and have change to buy a loaf of bread and a new Buick! (Editor's note: You're off the track again.)

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Sorry about that: How did the word "college" fall into disrepute? If the word "college" wasn't "prestigious," institutions of higher learning like Dartmouth College, Wellesley College, the College of William & Mary and Community College of Allegheny County would all be changing their names, too.

Frankly, I don't think "Community University of Allegheny County" has the same ring to it. No one wants to call the ivy-covered pre-stressed concrete walls in West Mifflin "CUAC," which sounds like a committee that investigated Communists in the 1950s, or the noise that a Communist duck makes.

I'm worried this trend won't end with colleges, either. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology might change its name to the Massachusetts University of Technology and make MIT a MUT. That would amuse the people at Harvard, but they're smug enough as it is.

I suppose this could be a plot to make alumni buy new T-shirts, stickers, beer steins, etc., with the updated name. Occasional Almanac contributor Officer Jim snagged two of the last "Penn State McKeesport" baseball caps when that institution changed from PSM to PSGA, which incidentally is also the name of a mountain in North Carolina.

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I guess if increased sales of swag keep the tuition down, I'm all for it.

Otherwise, I'm for leaving well enough alone. It's the old "College Try," not the "University Try." Kay Kyser didn't run the University of Musical Knowledge. Bonzo went to college after he worked with Ronald Reagan (he came out a raving liberal, to the Gipper's dismay), and so did Andy Hardy and Blondie and Dagwood.

(Francis the Talking Mule went to West Point, and I think Ma and Pa Kettle went to graduate school.)

This has been a Tube City Almanac editorial. Responsible replies are unlikely.

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In Other News: With all of the serious issues facing Our Fair City, it's nice to see resident Beatrice Longo is zeroing in on the most critical of them all ... city council has been opening meetings with a prayer. She wants them to knock it off. Eric Slagle has details in the Post-Gazette.

Like a certain failed Democratic presidential candidate, I happen to be a card-carrying member of the ACLU, but please. If anyone could use a prayer or two, it's our local officials. The next time they're sitting up there on the platform listening to nonsense from people who need to find a hobby besides complaining, I'd recommend the Serenity Prayer.

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To Do This Weekend: Here's a great gift for mom ... McKeesport Little Theater, Coursin and Bailey avenues, presents the classic comedy Arsenic and Old Lace at 8 p.m. Friday and Saturday and 2 p.m. Sunday. Call (412) 673-1100.

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Correction, Not Perfection: This Almanac originally reported that Kelsey Grammer starred in the movie remake of McHale's Navy. It was Tom Arnold. Grammer starred in the equally terrible naval-themed movie, Down Periscope. We regret the error. Those responsible have been sacked.