In high school, one of the guys in our clique --- which was too dorky for the nerds and too nerdy for the dorks --- began to noticeably lose his hair during sophomore year. Needless to say, demonstrating the sensitivity, wit and grace that are hallmarks of teen-age boys, we behaved with dignity and class.
No, of course not. We teased him unmercifully. He would wear hats to cover up the hair loss; we'd sneak up behind him and steal them. And then we'd complain about the glare off of his scalp.
Karma, as they say, is a (witch), and God is getting even with us. Two of us are sporting large foreheads these days, and I've noticed that a third member of our group is developing just the slightest bald spot.
I have vowed not to resort to a Rudy Giuliani/Donald Trump style combover, and so far, I'm sticking to that. Instead, I've been having the barber cut the rest of my hair really, really short, perhaps in the hope that people will think that I'm some how having it "styled" that way. What sort of hairstyle calls for the front part to be plucked out, anyway?
OK, so, I'm grasping at straws --- or is that hairs? At least it looks even.
The problem is that I rarely have time to go to the barber shop, and when I do have time, I don't have the money, so for several weeks a month, my hair ends up looking something like Dagwood Bumstead's --- bizarrely thin on top and splaying out at wild angles on the sides. (Ah, but if only I was married to Blondie Boopadoop!)
My barber recently raised his price from $11 to $13, which doesn't seem fair. That works out to about 25 cents a hair for me, after all, and it only takes him half as long to cut my hair as it does other customers. If anything, I should be getting a 50 percent discount!
I made that argument, by the way, and he doesn't agree. I didn't press the point, because I try never to argue with a man who's holding a straight razor.
I had a meeting earlier this week, and my hair was looking typically awful, especially around my ears and at the back of my neck. To clean it up a little, I tried trimming the shaggy parts on the side, and shaving my neck. From the front, it didn't look too bad --- or so I thought --- but that night I stopped at the barber shop, and my barber blanched when I sat down in his chair.
"Um ... did someone try to ... um ... trim your hair?" he said, cautiously, as he fastened the smock over my shoulders.
I chuckled. "Well, I had a meeting today, and I just tried to touch it up with a razor," I said. "Why, is it crooked?"
He didn't chuckle. Indeed, I've never heard him so serious. "Um ... well ... it's pretty obvious," he said. "It's going to take me a while to fix this." Keep in mind I'd been walking around all day, apparently, with giant jagged checkmarks carved into the back of my head.
And then he got to the sides.
"Whoa," he said. "I'm going to have to clean your sideburns up, too. Do you know there's a big chunk taken out of them?"
He fixed the damage. I no longer look as if I shave on a ferry crossing Lake Erie in a heavy storm while I'm drunk, so in retrospect, he deserves the extra two bucks for trying to polish a lump of coal into a diamond.
I will say this much. In high school, I used to say I'd rather have gray hair than go bald, because at least with gray hair, you look distinguished. When I got home and inspected the haircut closely, I noticed that I've finally got my wish.
Sure enough, there they were ... gray hairs.
I can't wait for the rest of my hair to turn gray. Then, instead of a dork with big chunks carved out of the back of his bald head, I'll look like a distinguished dork with big chunks carved out of the back of his bald head.
...
Deepest sympathies to the family and friends of Post-Gazette critic Ron Weiskind, who died Thursday at age 54. I knew him only from his byline, but very much enjoyed his work. Requiescat in pace.
...
Tip of the Tube City hard hat to the Tribune-Review's editorial cartoonist, Randy Bish, whose take on Yasser Arafat's death pulls absolutely no punches, and made me laugh out loud to boot. When Randy scores, he scores big.
Tip also to James Lileks, who goes much farther than I would have --- though I can't say I disagree with him:
Our paper had this headline: "Enduring Symbol of Palestine Dies." Personally, I'm old school. I'd go with something, oh, factual, like "ARAFAT DEAD." Hard to argue. Hard to find bias. I don't know what would be satisfying, really. "Goaty Old Fiend Expires, Loses Power, Fortune, Bowel Control; Fills Room with Odor of Offal and Urine" would put people off their breakfast, I suppose. I am content to know he is not in Hell. Nope. Arafat did not go to Hell. He boards the ferry, yes; he makes it halfway across the River Styx, yes. Then the ferry blows up. Ten times a day for eternity. For a start.
The Mon Yough Trail ... has been strangely absent from Tube City postings, which is unfortunate. Our Fair City is increasingly becoming a stopping or starting point for people to access the trail. More important, the Pittsburgh-McKeesport link is one of only two unfinished sections of the trail, which sees something like 400,000 visitors every year, each of whom spend between $5 and $15.
And these visitors aren't your typical tree huggers. Parents, kids, retired people all use the trail, too. Check the Boston access parking lot any weekend. Better yet, try finding a parking space there after 10 a.m.
The widflowers, river, rock outcroppings, and history make the Yough Trail a spectacular getaway. Truly, it's a Western Pennsylvania jewel.
Meet the regulars. There's Hammer Chuck who often bikes a 100-mile length of the trail on a banana-yellow Tour Easy, the Cadillac of bicycles. Try keeping up with him. He'll leave you in the dust every time. And the kicker is that depending on who you ask, Chuck is between 70 and 80 years old. He could easily pass for 50. In fact, look closely at any of the older bikers. Every one looks at least 10 years younger than their age.
While bikers discover the beauty of the trail, Our Fair City is barely aware of the treasure nearby, barely aware of the thousands of visitors passing through on their way to the trail.
Hmmm. I wonder how popular the Pittsburgh-McKeesport link will be once it's finished. I wonder how many bikers will make the trip from Pittsburgh, eat lunch in Our Fair City, maybe buy some other stuff before returning to Pittsburgh. I know I can't wait to try it. And I know that's happening at many of the trail access points where businesses has sprouted up. In Fayette County, a developer is marketing a new subdivision of homes based on its proximity to the trail. Say, is there a message here?
Protesters marched on Harrisburg yesterday to demand "predictable, reliable and dedicated" funding for public transit, according to the Post-Gazette's Tom Barnes. State Senators Sean Logan and Jay Costa, who represent the East Hills and Mon Valley, also attended.
Barnes writes that the state Legislature "can't agree on how to supply more money." For the moment, let's leave aside the idea, advanced by many, many people, that PAT spending is wasteful, and that the transit authority spends money on many projects because they're politically useful, not because they actually move people around. (And I'm looking at you, light-rail system and "par three miniature subway.") Let's assume, therefore, that the real problem really is that the state doesn't give public transit enough money, which has not been proven (at least not to my satisfaction).
I can't help but think that one of the reasons that the Legislature can't come up with a funding plan is that most of the state doesn't use public transit. If you're a legislator from Potter County, what do you care if people from Pittsburgh and Philadelphia can't ride the bus? Let 'em walk!
And frankly, the fact that the transit authorities are heavily dependent on unionized workers doesn't help their causes with the more conservative members of the General Assembly, who frankly think Henry Clay Frick was too soft when dealing with strikers.
Thus the town and country internicine warfare that characterizes all state government issues in the Commonwealth continues unabated. Is it any wonder that while other states are experiencing population explosions, Pennsylvania sits and spins its wheels? (But possibly not its bus wheels for much longer.)
A spokeswoman for the Governor, by the way, says that he's "committed to finding a permanent funding stream that's dedicated solely to mass transit."
Five bucks says it involves putting video poker and slot machines on the buses.
Bob Grom, who heads up the Heritage Health Foundation in Braddock, had an interesting op-ed in Wednesday's P-G on the topic:
I think it's about time for us to get a handle on the broader implications of this issue and quickly find a way to deal with it, for now and with an eye to the longer term. I believe that we're missing the bus in this situation, particularly as it relates to the more severe consequences of continued inadequate public transit funding on our region's economic infrastructure.
Put simply, our ability to sustain or improve public transportation affects all of us -- whether or not we actually ever board a public transit vehicle. Access to convenient and reliable public transportation is essential for the region's economic health and prosperity for many reasons, some of which aren't typically considered. ...
Bottom line: As citizens of Allegheny County, we should be greatly concerned about continued talk -- without action -- on these critical public transportation issues. If the talkathon continues, it will impair the ability of thousands of people to obtain or maintain employment, consume goods and services and otherwise live productive lives.
These elements -- along with its music, its movies and several other ingredients -- endow Texas with a swagger, a halo of self-congratulatory pomposity unmatched by any other state. In 2003, the Texas Legislature passed a law requiring schoolchildren to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning -- to the Texas flag. Texans have internalized this maniacal self-obsession with their state. It's a concept best summarized by singer-songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard (a native of Oklahoma), who, in 2003, released the instantaneous classic "Screw You, We're From Texas."
What is it about college students, that they feel the need to step off of curbs in front of my vehicle and cross against the light? Do I look like the sort of fellow who's inclined to swerve? Do the vehicles that I drive look like they respond well to evasive maneuvers? Well, they don't.
I need to mount a cowcatcher on the front of the bleeding car. Or else some giant "Nerf" bumpers.
Also, what it is about microwave popcorn that there's no threshold between "popped to perfection" and "burnt to a crisp"? All I wanted Tuesday night was a tasty snack. The directions say to put the popcorn in for two to three minutes, and when the popping slows down, take it out of the microwave.
I followed the directions to the letter and got butter-flavored charcoal briquettes.
And the smoke! I fried up hamburgers and potatoes the other day, and didn't smoke up the kitchen nearly as bad as one bag of microwave popcorn. Plus, the stink clings to everything. I finally took the still-smoldering popcorn outside and doused it with water before dumping it into a garbage can.
Ahem.
OK, so if those are the worst things that happen to me, I suppose I'm in pretty good shape.
Things could have been much, much worse, after all. I could have been these guys:
Toxic fumes inside a septic tank of a Lapu-Lapu City resort overwhelmed and killed two people who were cleaning the tank Saturday afternoon. ... (Senior Police Officer Rolito) Jumao-as said the wastewater inside the tank was already knee-deep when the nozzle of their draining hose got blocked.
If you're like me, you believe that charity begins at home. So when my employer offered a chance for us to contribute to the United Way of Allegheny County via payroll deduction, my first thought was: How can I turn myself into an agency that gets United Way funds?
My second thought, after receiving a very nasty letter from the district attorney's office, was: What agencies in the Mon-Yough area get United Way funds, and how can I contribute to them directly?
Very easily, as it turns out. At the bottom of your United Way contribution form, simply write in the name of the agency that you want your donation to benefit, along with their ID number.
It took me a little bit of time to track down the agencies in Our Fair City and surrounding areas that receive United Way grants. To save you the hassle, I thought I'd pass along the research. You can search for other agencies at the United Way of Allegheny County Web site.
(Note: Tube City Online and the Tube City Almanac are not in any way endorsing or encouraging you to contribute to any of these agencies, and this list is for informational purposes only. I present the list strictly in alphabetical order. The information is subject to change without notice and is offered without any warranty as to its accuracy, though I have made every attempt to be accurate.)
City of McKeesport ("Our Fair City")
American Cancer Society, Mon-Yough Division: 1311
Boys & Girls Club of McKeesport: 7051
Circle C Foster Home: 7250
Family Support Center: 880712
Long Run Children's Learning Center*: 406
Lutheran Service Society (Meals on Wheels): 3040
McKeesport Hospital Foundation: 888454
McKeesport Collaborative: 9514
Mon Valley Education Consortium: 2910
Mon Yough Adult Retarded Center: 1490
Mon Yough Community Services: 343
Mon Yough Community Services, Bridge: 4650
Mon Yough Community Services, CRR Full Care/Minimal Care: 7152
Mon Yough Community Services, D&A Corrections: 1921
Mon Yough Community Services, Day Treatment: 3077
Mon Yough Community Services, MH/MR: 2539
Mon Yough Community Services, Substance Abuse Center: 251
Mon Yough Community Services, Women & Family Center: 3582
Mon Yough Human Services, 3805
Salvation Army, McKeesport: 4875
UPMC McKeesport hospital: 360
UPMC McKeesport Diabetes Center: 9354
UPMC McKeesport Oncology Center: 4905
UPMC McKeesport Pediatrics Unit: 4904
YMCA of McKeesport: 112
YMCA Camp T. Frank Soles: 7263
YWCA of McKeesport: 115
(* --- formerly McKeesport Pre-School for Exceptional Children)
To see a list of United Way participating agencies located in the Mon-Yough area outside of Our Fair City, click on the link below.
On Sunday, I pointed the big Mercury southbound and headed for the Big Mo, Mo-Town, Touchdown City, the Capital of Hoopieland, the ... um ...
Right. Let's start over. On Sunday, I pointed the big Mercury southbound and headed for Morgantown, W.Va., where I was due to meet with someone for a project I've been working on.
It was my first time driving on the new stretch of the Mon-Fayette Expressway between Route 51 and Interstate 70, and what a day for driving it was. There are few things more pleasant than blasting along at 70 miles an hour in a big V-8 powered 'murrcan car with the stereo wailing on a sunny Sunday afternoon in the fall. Not even the congested stretch of 70 between Bentleyville and Little Worshington could spoil my mood.
In retrospect, maybe I should have slowed down a little. From Large to Mt. Morris, where I jumped off of I-79 and onto U.S. 19 south, I must have seen a dozen exploded deer carcasses on the berm of the road. (My buddy Dan calls those "transporter accidents," and if I have to explain it, you haven't watched enough Star Trek.)
There's a simple explanation for all of the deer guts, of course. According to the Morgantown Dominion Post, it's that time of year when love is in the air, and a young buck's fancy turns to thoughts of rut:
The importance of the rut on deer activity is hard to overstate. The older bucks that are almost exclusively nocturnal are suddenly sighted out and about in the middle of the day, making them susceptible to hunting. Many hunters save their vacation days for this prime November period and try to stay in their stands from daylight until dark.
This is also a period when deer are on the move constantly and many are killed on highways. It pays to be particularly on guard when traveling in areas with high deer populations -- which, it seems, is just about everywhere these days.
"There are now two lawsuits pending, there are investigators in town," Mayor James Brewster told McKeesport City Council this week about the sale and resale of the Peoples Building to West Coast interests. And there's more, literally from coast to coast, in the wake of the transactions 18 months ago that put $600,000 in local hands --- and led, among other things, to a defaulted $2.5 million mortgage. ...
When the sales were consummated, Geneva Equities told state Department of Revenue Strong acted as its agent - so the city of McKeesport was not entitled to a 1.5 percent transfer tax that would have brought in $30,000. City Solicitor J. Jason Elash said he's been talking to state revenue officials now investigating the various deals.
Although he drives the engine to school on Mondays, he doesn't try to parallel park. He generally parks it in a school-owned lot or along West Street. Most of the time he has his vehicle in a storage garage in Carlisle.
His classmates' reaction to his choice of vehicle is "mixed," Tadich says with a smile. Students recognize him as he's driving to class or taking friends on rides around town. He says the most common reaction is "disbelief." But that's a typical reaction for other people as well.
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