10 a.m. to 12 p.m. I begin trip preparations to ready my 1989 Mercury Grand Marquis for the arduous journey ahead. (172,000 miles on the clock; purchased at Washington Ford in 1997 for $4,800; new paint job by Earl Scheib in 2002 for $299.) I had previously done a backyard tuneup on the Family Truckster, so preparations largely consisted of washing and cleaning the vehicle. However, the occasional wisps of steam seeping from the dashboard defroster vents are leading me to believe that the heater core is about to fail. Being a proactive kind of guy, I plug the heater inlet and bypass the water pump outlet that feeds the heater inlet. Then I fill and repressurize the cooling system. Can you spot the error in my logic yet?

12 to 1:45 p.m. I stop at the bank, the drug store and the AAA.

2 p.m. Pick up Dan N3PDH at his home in Whitaker.

2:05 p.m. Stop at Bob's Autotorium in Whitaker to fill gas tank.

2:05:30 p.m. Realize that the convention tickets are at home on the nightstand. Several four-letter words are exchanged.

2:08 p.m. Beginning to smell antifreeze inside passenger compartment. Roll windows down to compensate.

2:10 p.m. Stop at AutoZone near Duquesne Village Shopping Center to purchase radiator hose patch kit and water pump bypass caps in case of emergency. Open hood and check engine. Radiator is making ominous gurgling noises.

2:20 p.m. Pick up tickets at home. Radiator is now making noises like a percolator on full boil. Depart for Canonsburg to fetch CB radio from friend Tom's house.

2:58 p.m. Arrive in Canonsburg. Begin assembly of CB antenna while N3PDH fetches radio. N3PDH notices liquid dripping from under car. Curiously, liquid is not dripping from engine compartment, but is, in fact, coming from the passenger compartment.

3:02 p.m. Pull back carpet on passenger side of cabin to reveal a large puddle of hot, steamy antifreeze. N3PDH poetically observes that the heater core is dripping "like a snotnose kid's runny snot nose."

3:02:10 p.m. The flaw in my logic (see above) was this: The cooling system is a closed system, kept under pressure. Even if you plug the inlet to the heater, coolant can still be forced into the core through the outlet.

3:02:15 p.m. More four-letter words exchanged.

3:02:16 to 3:30 p.m. Radiator hoses too hot to touch; despite this, I keep touching them.



3:30 p.m. Begin process of bypassing heater core. Cooling system is depressurized by "burping" overflow tank and radiator cap. Cut the end of the original factory heater hose away from the heater core outlet. Drain out excess antifreeze. Rinse driveway.

3:31 p.m. Begin to remove the other end of the original factory heater hose from the block inlet.

3:36 p.m. Still trying to remove the other end of the original factory heater hose from the block inlet.

3:41 p.m. Still trying to remove the other end of the original factory heater hose from the block inlet.

3:46 p.m. Still f--king trying to remove the other g-----mned end of the f--king original factory heater hose from the c---------g block inlet, ow, ow, OW, THAT HURTS, G-----MIT SON OF A B----!

3:47 p.m. Determine through geometric logic that hose is completely galded onto the block inlet. Furthermore, the factory hose clamp refuses to budge, so the hose can't be cut off with a razor blade. That does not stop us from trying. My left hand sustains several first- and second-degree burns on engine block and exhaust headers in the attempt.

3:48 to 4:20 p.m. A variety of tools are employed in unsuccessful attempts to remove the hose, the clamp, or both. Swearing is also employed in copious amounts.

4:21 p.m. As dynamite and a Sawzall are being readied, the hose rips away, thanks to the judicious application of a long, flat-bladed screwdriver between the hose and the pipe; the screwdriver is inserted from the front of the engine block, parallel to the spark-plug wires and under the air-fuel plenum. (Yes, that is as difficult as it sounds.)

4:23 p.m. Bypass cap installed on engine block inlet. Homeowner Tom screeches to a halt at the sight of his garage door being open unexpectedly. After having a good laugh at our expense, he continues on his way.

4:30 p.m. Cooling system refilled. Engine checked for leaks. None so far. We depart. By this time, we are, as one participant remarks, "hungry enough to eat a skunk's (anus)." Determined to get the trip underway, we depart, after making the decision to eat when we get to Ohio.

4:31 p.m. First ominous rumblings of "Eat ... Food."

5:05 p.m. Entering wild, wonderful West Virginia. The speed limit on interstates in West Virginia is 70 mph. We could all learn a lesson from our gentle neighbors in the Mountaineer State.


5:10 p.m. N3PDH begins to take photos of Cracker Barrel signs. Could it be that he wants to eat at Cracker Barrel?


5:15 p.m. Apparently, he does.


5:25 p.m. Crossing the I-470 bridge outside of Wheeling, W.Va., we are fast approaching the Ohio state line, home of the friendly (and extremely diligent) Ohio State Highway Patrol. Since this is our last chance to speed before entering the Buckeye State, we decide to let the old girl show us what she's got. The 302 coughs to life, the Ford AOD downshifts smartly, and the speedometer is buried somewhere past 85 mph.


6:05 p.m. Spot Cracker Barrel in St. Clairsville, Ohio, just as angry mutterings of "EAT! FOOD!" are becoming impossible to ignore. Swing off the highway into the restaurant's parking lot, and take our seats just ahead of a busload of blue-haired old ladies on a church outing. Victory is ours. Eat that, grandmas!

6:07 p.m. Slip out of dining room to purchase a copy of the St. Clairsville Times Leader ("Belmont County's Hometown Newspaper"). Today's lead story: The mayors of Rayland and Tiltonsville have proclaimed "Bill Mazeroski Day" in honor of the Pirates' shortstop. I regard this as a positive omen for our trip.

7 p.m. Hunger temporarily satisfied by a plate of grilled catfish, carrots, green beans, sweet potatoes, cornbread and iced tea ($11.27 including tip), we exit Cracker Barrel. N3PDH spots a map listing Cracker Barrel locations coast-to-coast; at last report, he was considering eating his way across the U.S.


7:05 p.m. Check engine to make sure the radiator bypass caps are holding. They are. There is a used car lot nearby, and I offer the Mercury for sale. There are, sadly, no takers.


7:06 p.m. You've heard of the market-based economy? Western Pennsylvania and Eastern Ohio are creating a flea-market-based economy.



8:30 p.m. Tune in talk show on WTVN (610) in Columbus. Here's what passes for intelligent discourse in Ohio's state capital. After a discussion of whether the word "fag" is a slur against homosexuals, the host changes topics to debate the merits of Mr. Pibb versus Pibb Extra. Incredibly, the phones come alive. One caller volunteers their preference for Sprite Remix. People in Columbus must love their pop. Excuse me, soda.

8:55 p.m. Aaaahhh ... Flushing! (I think the meal at Cracker Barrel is starting to catch up with us.)


9:30 p.m. Somewhere on I-71 between Columbus and Cincinnati, we stop to refuel and stretch. Pull into a Sunoco station where all grades of gas (except 94 octane) are the same price. Naturally, we buy the 86 octane gas, because we don't want to take advantage of the situation ... NOT!




9:32 p.m. Bought the local paper (the Madison Press) at the Sunoco station. Lead story: Local 10-year-old boy loses his eye to cancer, but keeps on going. Photos and everything. His mother is quoted in the article as regretting — I swear this is true — that her son will never be able to apply for a commercial driver's license, and will be unable to fulfill his dream of becoming a trucker.

9:55 p.m. Exit in West Lancaster, Ohio, to stop for the night. (We'll take U.S. Route 35 into Dayton in the morning.) We have our choice of three motels. The Hampton Inn wants $68. The Amerihost Inn wants $73. Then there's this place:



9:56 p.m. Well, the place next to the adult bookstore is tempting ... but I'm going to say: Hell-ll-lo Hampton Inn!