Idiot Box

I'm not watching a lot of current TV, which is not because I'm a high-falutin' snob. I'm busy, and I don't want to pay for cable, and they're not really making network shows for me right now. I don't like game shows and I don't like reality shows, and what's left?

There are a few current shows I never miss. Scrubs may be the funniest sitcom that no one is watching, and it continues to impress me, though I wonder how they're going to maintain the momentum if Zach Braff leaves the show --- it's built around his character.

I really, really wanted to hate 30 Rock because Saturday Night Live has become so bloated and self-centered. And I really, really expected 30 Rock to be a stinkeroo, because so many SNL spinoffs have bitten the wax tadpole. To my pleasant surprise, 30 Rock is a hoot ... fall-down-on-the-floor, hold-in-your-sides funny.

Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin are excellent, but the real shocker is Tracy Morgan. Though his character grated on me during the first few episodes, the writers have given him a sympathetic, vulnerable side that makes him annoying but charming.

. . .

Since I like both of those shows, I'm expecting NBC to cancel them at any moment, probably for another night of Dateline, which seems to spend most of its time setting traps for pedophiles.

May I digress for a minute? Does Dateline do any stories these days about anything but deviated preverts trying to pick up young girls online? Every time I see Dateline, they've got Chris What's-His-Name and sheriff's deputies chasing some fat, slovenly creep down a driveway.

And speaking of pedophiles (which I don't normally) are there actually any 14-year-old girls in chatrooms, or are they all undercover state troopers? A former cow-orker of mine got busted by PSP in 2005 when he tried to pick up someone he thought was a 12-year-old girl at the McDonald's on Route 30 near Irwin.

What struck me (besides the obvious "ewwwww" factor) was that he was meeting this "girl" at McDonald's. He sure knows how to turn a lady's head. Does he spring for biggie-size fries? Could she go on the swings afterwards? His attorney argued it was entrapment, but when the cops nabbed him, he had 15 condoms in his car. He should have stuck to orking cows.

. . .

Anyway, in my quest to stay unpopular, I find myself watching things like reruns of Hawaii Five-O on WBGN-TV (59). (Motto: "Static, home shopping ... and more!") Ivan Shreve Jr. of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear recently reviewed the Season 1 DVD set of Five-O, and I found myself nodding in agreement, as I often do at his reviews.

Sure, Hawaii Five-O is shlock, but it's shlock with great production values. The music, the editing and the camera work all make it the Miami Vice of its day.

On the other hand, the scripts have plotholes you could drive Steve McGarrett's Mercury through, and some of the acting is dreadful. As Shreve notes, Jack Lord rivals Jack Webb for (lack of) acting ability, but he didn't have Webb's self-deprecating sense of humor; by all accounts Lord was a miserable bastard off the set. You can see the tension between the actors on Five-O, too, especially in the later seasons.

But there's camp value in the cars, the scenery, the fashions and the outdated technology --- oh boy, do I love any scenes featuring the Honolulu Police Department's giant computer room, which is all flashing lights and spinning tape drives. There's also a lot of unintentional humor in watching Lord, running around in his pompadour and electric-blue suit, trying to steal every scene.

. . .

Meanwhile, I now have two friends who are hooked on CBS's Jericho, an hour-long drama that's pulling respectable ratings against American Idol. Jericho is set in a small, rural Kansas town in the weeks after nuclear bombs have gone off in several major American cities.

One friend likes it but thinks it's too "talky" ("I was hoping more things would be blowing up," he told me this week). The other loves dystopian dramas, plus he's got a crush on Sprague Grayden.

Naturally, we've been teasing him unmercifully, so he finally asked me if I've ever had a crush on a TV character. Truthfully, no, but I did allow that I had seen the show NCIS a few times (that's the Mark Harmon show, set in a Navy investigative unit) and I thought the "goth chick" was cute. (Well, it could have been weirder. I could have had a thing for David McCallum, who plays a pathologist on NCIS.)

So he's started sending me photos and links to stories about the actress. Hell, I didn't even know her name (it's Pauley Perrette), I just thought she was cute, that's all.

. . .

And I hate to break this to him, but I have a new ... well, not a "crush," but I've found another TV actress who's both attractive and talented. (Editor's Note: Fess up, you weasel, it's a crush!)

As I've noted before, I'm something of a Canadophile, and the biggest sitcom in Canada right now is Corner Gas, so I ordered Season 1 from Amazon Canada. I'm really enjoying it. For want of a better metaphor, I'll call it Northern Exposure crossed with Seinfeld.

Comedian Brett Butt, who grew up in a small town in rural Saskatchewan, plays the bright-but-slacking manager of a gas station in (surprise) a small town in rural Saskatchewan. Unlike a lot of "rural comedies," the locals here aren't played for rubes, and unlike a lot of sitcoms, the writing usually aims high. (One of the first season episodes centers around the town book club; another around Pilates classes and homemade coffins.)

There's a cinema verite quality that I like (it's filmed on location in Saskatchewan) and the acting, dialogue and pacing are natural. So are the cast members, who don't look like plastic TV stars. They look like people you might find in a rural town; except perhaps for Gabrielle Miller, who plays a Toronto native who moves to town to take over her late aunt's coffee shop. She's dreamy. (Did I just write that? Erk.) And her comic timing's good, too.

(Take note --- between Miller and NCIS' Pauley Perrette, I appear to have a thing for smart brunettes with big eyes. This means something. Alert Sigmund Freud.)

. . .

Gabrielle Miller aside, Corner Gas is a hoot, but it would have a tough time on American television. For one thing, you have to listen carefully, because storylines fold back on themselves and many of the second act jokes depend on paying attention during the first act.

It also helps to know something about Canadian pop culture. For instance: Julie Stewart makes a brief cameo that's hysterical if you're familiar with the show Cold Squad, but the reference will be lost on 90 percent of Americans.

Corner Gas has an American syndication deal (including Superstation WGN), but the lack of a big name cast or a laugh track, combined with its Canadian setting, will doom it to PBS at best. Even if American TV executives were willing to bump aside reruns of Seinfeld and Friends to air Corner Gas, most viewers would watch for a minute or two and then dive for their remote controls. It's not a belly-laugh show; the humor comes from the characters and the situations. (Watch for the reviews to call it "quirky," which in Hollywood means "about to be cancelled.")

That's too bad, but thanks to DVD, I can enjoy it, and you can, too.

And I can keep admiring Gabrielle Miller from afar. (Sigh.)

Aw, poor Pauley Perrette, tossed aside so cruelly. I'm sure her heart is broken.

(P.S.: If blondes are more your thing, Tara Spencer-Nairn, who plays one of the town's two police officers, is a sweetheart, too.)

(P.P.S.: Cripes, I need to get out of the house more.)

. . .

To Do This Weekend: Join the Gabrielle Miller Fan Club. Mayor Jim Brewster opens his campaign headquarters on Fifth Avenue, Downtown, with a meet 'n greet from 12 to 5 p.m. tomorrow. Details in the Daily News ... McKeesport Little Theater, 1614 Coursin St. near Carnegie Library, presents "The Curious Savage," a comedy by John Patrick, 8 p.m. tonight and Saturday night and 2 p.m. Sunday. Call (412) 673-1100 ... Hungarian Social Club, 3004 Walnut St., Christy Park, celebrates Hungarian Independence Day at 3 p.m. Sunday. Speakers will include state Rep. Marc Gergely and Hungarian dignitaries. A social hour will follow. Call (412) 678-9871.