In case you missed it, I took a big bite of my own size 12 Florsheims yesterday. A correspondent gently pointed out that the Daily News no longer runs the bleatings of the loathsome Ann Coulter.
I guess they don't run "The Smith Family" and "Uncle Ray's Corner" any more, either. Hmmph! If you ask me, that newspaper has been going downhill ever since old W.D. Mansfield bought it in 19-ought-25.
Why, by cracky, in my day, if you had a quarter, you could get a Daily News and then walk over to the Star Restaurant and get a complete lobster dinner, and still have change left over to ride the streetcar out to Olympia Park. But who had a quarter in those days? Nobody, that's who!
As far as I'm concerned, the whole darned town hasn't been the same since Mayor Lysle died. Mayor Lysle --- by God, he kept the Communists out of McKeesport. And there was a man whose digestive system you could set your watch to. George H. Lysle had bowels as regular as the Capitol Limited.
That reminds me of the time I took the Capitol Limited to Willard, Ohio, for the annual shoe-mending festival. What a time we had!
(Slap!)
Thanks, I needed that.
What the hell was I going on about? Oh, yeah --- I do know that many of the op-eds on the News editorial page recently have been local, and good. This week, the owner of the Fifth Avenue Foodland wrote a strong piece about the proposed "flyover" ramp that would provide a new access route from Lysle Boulevard into the industrial park.
He argues that the ramp --- to be built at the foot of Huey Street, between the present Eat'n Park and Rite Aid store --- would cause more harm to the Lysle Boulevard business district than good, and urges transportation planners to locate it a few blocks further east.
I'm not entirely sure I agreed, but he made a good argument.
That reminds me of an argument I had in Helmstadter's in 1928. See, I wanted an electric bread toaster, and all of the ones on sale were chromium plated --- well! I had just read in Collier's where chromium-plated bread toasters were linked to the croup, so I says to the man, I says ....
(Slap!)
Sorry about that.
. . .
To Do This Weekend: The McKeesport summer concert series presents Bo Wagner in his tribute to Frank Sinatra, "Let's Be Frank," 7 p.m. Sunday at the bandshell in Renzie Park. Lawn seating, free admission. ... Munhall holds its annual "Community Day" on Saturday at West Field ... You can "Fly Around Town For Pennies a Pound" to raise money for Wings for Children. On Saturday and Sunday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., local pilots will offer air tours of the Pittsburgh area, departing from Allegheny County Airport. The flights cost 20 cents per pound per person, and proceeds help pay for airlifts for sick children. Call (412) 469-9930.
Alert Reader Glenn writes:
The city seems to be going either classy, crazy or reverting to Roman rule. While searching for info I came across the (page for Renzie Park), and it appears it was all written in Latin.
I thought they stopped teaching Latin in the high school around 1971 when I graduated but it appears it is now making a comeback:
At a gathering the other night in a local watering hole in the Glass City, an old cow-orker and colleague was depressed at the thought of --- as he put it --- having to find a new beer to drink.
He was marking the end of Rolling Rock production in Latrobe by consuming his last "Rocks," having decided not to patronize Anheuser-Busch.
He's not alone. And I suspect a lot of people drink --- or drank --- Rolling Rock because it was made in Western Pennsylvania, not because it was all that noticeably superior to every other American beer.
If City Brewing of Lacrosse, Wis., goes through with its proposal to purchase the old Latrobe Brewing plant --- and I hope they do --- they would be smart to introduce a new American-style pale lager.
In green bottles with painted-on labels.
And called something like "Laurel Mountain" or "Old Latrobe" or "Loyalhanna."
As long as it didn't taste like malted cat urine, I think they would grab the hearts of a lot of ex-Rolling Rock drinkers around these parts.
As of Tuesday, by the way, the Rolling Rock website has been scrubbed of any references to Latrobe, Pa. --- and the "Latrobe Brewing Co." is now legally based in St. Louis, Mo.
Well, then "feh" on the house of Augie Busch. Feh on Busch Stadium, the Gateway Arch, and the Cardinals, even though Busch no longer owns them. Feh on the Mississippi River, the New Madrid fault, the Eads Bridge, the Post-Dispatch and KMOX, for all I care.
On Monday, the Daily News (whose sister paper, after all, is the Latrobe Bulletin) said it with great eloquence:
While the world converges on Latrobe and training camp for the defending Super Bowl champion Steelers, a piece of that city's history fades into undeserved infamy.
That might seem a bit harsh, as we talk here about beer. However, we'd suggest, the next time you ask for Rolling Rock, ask also when your tavern or distributor received the stock on tap.
If the answer is sometime after last week, try another beer, preferably one not made by new Rolling Rock owner Anheuser-Busch.
Anheuser-Busch still misses the point of why, as it said, "Rolling Rock has established itself as an authentic, iconic American lager with a loyal following." ... The newest "Made in New Jersey" crop of "Rolling Rock" is just another beer. The real "Rolling Rock" will be consigned to the memories of Tri-State beer drinkers.
I have a new jingle that I've been singing, to the tune of the "Oscar Mayer weiner" song, and I'd like to offer it to Equitable Gas for use in their advertising:
I wish I was a regulated monopoly,
Equitable Gas is who I'd like to be,
'Cause if I was a regulated monopoly,
I'd screw the public with impunity!
Equitable Gas has not read my meter in more than a year. (I have a feeling many of the meter readers have been laid off or retired --- witness the closed Equitable district office and garage up in North Versailles near Crestas Terrace.)
Instead, they keep "estimating" my bills, and they apparently think that I spend all year long with the windows open and the furnace cranked up to 99 degrees.
Their estimates are insane for a single guy in a one-bedroom house --- especially for a guy who set the indoor temperature at a balmy 64 degrees last winter expressly for the purpose of keeping his gas bills low.
A few months ago, I read my own meter and went to Equitable's website to enter the numbers. Bzzzzt! Rejected: The meter reading I entered was lower than Equitable's estimate, so it wasn't acceptable.
I called the gas company and gave the reading to them. "Oh, my," the lady said. "We're going to have to adjust your bill."
"Higher?" I said.
"Lower," she said. "Much lower. Disregard your current bill. I'm going to issue a new bill with a new due date, and we're also going to lower your budget payment."
That sounds pretty good, right?
Two weeks later I received a termination notice from Equitable Gas for failing to pay my gas bill. Remember when Donald Duck used to go crazy, and his eyes would turn red, and steam would shoot from his ears?
I looked something like that, only with considerably more quacking and jumping up and down.
I called Equitable Gas again. It turns out that the people who take the meter readings and the people who send the bills work in separate departments. The meter people asked for a new bill to be issued, but the billing people never cancelled the old statement.
What did I need to do to keep the gas from being shut off? Why, pay both bills! For $351. Which I did. I resisted the temptation to write the check in my own blood.
They promise me that I haven't overpaid, and of course, I believe them. After all, if you can't trust a utility company, who can you trust?
A few days later, Equitable Gas called me. Since they hadn't read my meter in more than a year, they want to convert me over to an electronic meter that they can read automatically.
That's fine with me. I'd no longer be getting these gas bill estimates that are apparently calculated based on the cost to heat a barn in Edmonton, Alberta, in January.
But a few days later, I had a message on my answering machine: Equitable says my meter can't be converted. Would I call them immediately?
I did. I was told there's a "broken screw" on my meter.
I have no idea what this means, but it's apparently serious, because they can't connect the electronic gizmo without fixing the screw.
So I asked the lady a question that, I admit, is kind of stupid.
"Why don't you just fix the screw?" I said.
Well, because, she explained, the people who attach the electronic gizmos --- all together now --- work in a different department from the people who fix broken screws.
She agreed to submit a request to the people who fix broken screws to come out and fix my broken screw, but she could offer no timetable as to when the mighty machinery of Equitable Gas might be able to handle such a difficult request.
That was several weeks ago. The meter is still broken, and I just got another estimated bill.
This morning, I checked the Equitable Gas website. "With the implementation of automated meter reading," it says, "customer meter readings are no longer being accepted" via the Internet.
Which is par for the course, since you can't pay your Equitable Gas bill online, either. If you don't want to pay by mail, Equitable offers "local neighborhood payment centers," which means you can stand in line to pay your gas bill at Dairy Mart behind the urine-soaked winos trying to buy lottery tickets with food stamps.
So, let's review:
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