If I were a tavern owner in North Huntingdon, Penn Township or Murrysville, I'd be salivating right now.
Not over the Friday night fish sandwich specials, though those are pretty good. No, I'd be salivating over the thought of Allegheny County banning smoking in bars and restaurants.
If I were a tavern owner in McKeesport, White Oak, Monroeville or any other border community, however, I think I'd be beside myself in white-hot fury.
As I may have mentioned in the Almanac, I have asthma and I'm allergic to dust, pollen, animal dander, chemical fumes, smoke and pretty much everything else, I think, including rainbows, sunny days and gentle ocean breezes.
OK, maybe not that bad, but they're pretty miserable. Suffice it to say that cigarette smoke isn't one of my favorite things, though I have plenty of friends and relatives who do smoke, and I don't begrudge them. Worry about them, yes. Begrudge them, no.
Anyway, when I visit a bar or tavern, as I have been rumored to do from time to time, I'm fully aware that someone's going to be smoking. Years ago, I interviewed a specialist who treated drug addicts. Many of them had kicked addictions to heroin, cocaine or meth, but couldn't give up cigarettes --- and they most wanted a cigarette when they were at a bar with their friends.
From talking with other smokers over the years --- especially people who smoke only occasionally --- almost all told me that if they're at a bar, enjoying a colortini, they reach for their Pall Malls or Virginia Slims.
So, if I'm going to be at a place where people are smoking, I make sure to pack my allergy medicine. I understand that not everyone's allergies can be controlled with medication, or that some people choose not to use medication. Obviously, that option won't work for them, and those people can't go into a bar or tavern if there are smokers present.
But frankly, there's no constitutional right to be able to enter a bar or tavern.
Also, frankly, I have never, ever seen a bar or tavern that was "no smoking." They may exist in some swanky suburb like Fox Chapel or Sewickley or Bunola, but I haven't seen them.
That tells me a couple of things. First, that there's little public demand for "no smoking" in bars and restaurants, and second, that restaurant owners are afraid of losing a large portion of their trade if they forbid smoking.
To get back to my opening sentences: If I were a tavern owner in any of the communities that border Allegheny County --- say, McMurray in Washington County, or Cranberry in Butler County --- I'd be rubbing my hands with glee. When they ban smoking in bars and restaurants in Allegheny County, my strong suspicion is that smokers and their friends will find new places to hang out.
Or else they'll spend a lot less time in their existing hangouts in Allegheny County, because they'll be going home or someplace else to smoke.
Either option will mean they're spending less money in Allegheny County's bars and taverns and restaurants.
Is there some reason that Allegheny County Council works so hard, each and every day, to drive people out of Allegheny County?
. . .
And on a related note, here's something else that bugs me. The same Post-Gazette story that talks about the proposal to ban smoking in bars and restaurants notes that the Allegheny County Health Department is operating in crisis mode.
Frankly, that isn't news. If you've ever visited any of the ACHD's facilities, you know that "dilapidated" doesn't begin describing them. "Disgrace" comes close, as does "embarrassing" and "condemnable." This county hasn't invested a nickel into the Health Department in years.
Over the years, however, ACHD has attracted and retained some pretty talented scientists and physicians and conservationists who are obviously working there because they love their work, not their disgusting and deteriorating facilities.
The news is that one-third of those people will be able to retire within five years, and the starvation wages that the county pays Health Department employees will not allow them to attract the same quality of people.
Nobody asked me, but in an era where we're constantly being warned about things like E.coli, avian flu and bioterrorism, I sure wish Allegheny County Council was working on finding more funding for the Health Department, and not on banning smoking in bars and restaurants.
Secondhand smoke is bad, but given a choice between breathing some smoke or spending two days in the bathroom with food poisoning, I say go ahead and light up a Lucky.
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To Do This Weekend: The sun'll come out tomorrow. On the other hand, this is Western Pennsylvania, so I wouldn't bet on it. Go see "Annie" tonight, tomorrow and Sunday at the McKeesport Little Theater, 1614 Coursin St., near the library. Times are 8 p.m. tonight and Saturday and 2 p.m. on Sunday. Call (412) 673-1100.
Sharp-eyed Almanac readers (are there any other kind?) may have noticed that the "Mon-Yough Gas Gauge" has been stuck in mid-July for several weeks.
I have continued to chart gas prices, but it's a bit of a pain to sit there and type up the names and locations of the gas stations each week, and I've had more important things to worry about.
So, starting this week (with prices logged the weekend of Sept. 16-17), I will only be posting the highest price, the lowest price and the mean.
Also, I'll be going back and in-filling previous statistics in the "Gas Gauge" as time permits.
How did you ever live your life without knowing this vital piece of information?
Second, there's a big email backlog at Tube City Omnimedia World Headquarters, located in the verdant mountains overlooking Our Fair City.
I'll be answering your letters soon, so if you've got a question or a comment for Mr. Answer Man or for Almanac readers, get 'em in now at jt three y at dementia dot o r g.
Finally, the daily deluge of spam has forced me to start bulk deleting a lot of email, and I've turned the spam filters up to "11." If I don't respond to your email, there's a good chance I accidentally deleted it, or that the filters snagged your message by accident.
If you don't hear from me, and you need a response to some query, feel free to post comments on any relevant topic in the Almanac.
And by "relevant," I mean "relevant" to the Mon-Yough area --- roughly defined, for our purposes, as the region bordered by the Parkway East, Route 51, the Pennsylvania Turnpike and Route 136.
I add that caveat because a Pittsburgh politician, or one of his supporters, recently "spammed" an Almanac entry with one of his position papers. That stuff will be deleted at the editor's whim.
Geez, after a couple of days off, you'd think that I might have a lot to say.
Eh ... apparently, not so much.
Actually, I had a bunch of things to write about, but they're almost a week old, and writing about them now is something like buying an "AFC Champions" T-shirt a week after the Steelers win the Super Bowl. Technically, it's still true, but what's the point?
Still, I feel compelled to pen a few squibs on two important local stories. I'll leave it up to you to decide if someone can actually "pen" anything on a website.
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In case you missed it, Tanya Kach has filed a federal lawsuit against the former school security guard accused of keeping her prisoner in his home for 10 years, along the security company that employed him, the city and the McKeesport Area School District, accusing them, according to Jill King Greenwood in the Trib, of "failing to protect her or properly investigate her disappearance."
Not much to add here, except that we all kind of knew this was coming, right?
Kach's attorney says that her client is still working through the grieving process and is finding it difficult to function normally. That's certainly understandable.
And nothing will promote the healing process like a long, complicated federal lawsuit that will require months of depositions and invite intense media scrutiny.
I had predicted back in April that this was going to wind up as a "Lifetime" original movie event, but now I'm convinced that "Law and Order" is going to rip it off.
. . .
As expected, Penn State trustees voted to change the name of Penn State McKeesport Campus to "Penn State Allegheny Campus." A little birdie tells the Almanac that, in protest, Mayor Jim Brewster has resigned from the advisory board to the local campus. (If anyone from the mayor's office can confirm that, I'd like to know. I'd be glad to print Mayor Brewster's comments here, too.)
I've said all I can say on the matter, except for this footnote: I adapted some of the Almanac commentary about the name change into a business letter and sent it to Penn State University President Graham Spanier. On Thursday, I received a response from Spanier. I very much appreciate the fact that he took the time to respond.
I am willing to accept what I was told last week --- that this is not meant as any kind of a slam toward McKeesport. Still, I think --- with all due respect --- that this entire matter could have been handled with more sensitivity toward the community's feelings. It was presented as a "fait accompli," and that stung.
However --- I also think that Penn State by any name (well, except for, maybe, "WVU") remains a tremendous asset to the Mon-Yough area, and I hope that any ruffled feathers (or is that tiger fur?) will eventually be smoothed down, for the good of everyone involved.
But particularly for the good of these valleys --- which can use the infusion of brainpower Penn State offers --- and the students, present and future.
By Etaoin Shrdlu
Chief Crime Correspondent
Tube City Almanac
SPECIAL REPORT: North Bittyburg police are investigating an apparent fire-bombing at Tube City Omnimedia's worldwide headquarters.
The suspected arson forced Tube City Almanac to temporarily suspend publication and also shut down Tube City Online --- the Mon-Yough area's leading source of Internet misinformation.
According to a police spokesman, witnesses saw a car fleeing the scene shortly before the building went up in flames. A sketch of the driver (at left), created from witness statements, was released yesterday by the North Bittyburg police department.
Police refused to speculate on possible motives, but a source close to the investigation said the fire-bombing might be retaliation for recent Almanac stories about Penn State McKeesport's plans --- approved by Penn State trustees on Friday --- to change its name to "Penn State Allegheny."
The editor of Tube City Almanac, shown at right in an undated photograph, said he is "mystified" by the attack.
"I have nothing but the deepest respect and admiration for my friends at Penn State McKee ... er, Allegheny," he said. "I'm sure that they would not be involved in any such skullduggery. In fact, I own the official biography of Joe Paterno, No Ordinary Joe, as well as a color photograph of the legendary coach.
"Such a heinous crime could only have been committed by Islamofascist terrorists, or barring that, people from Cranberry or Mt. Lebanon who are jealous of Our Fair City," he added.
North Bittyburg police are vowing to "spare no expense" in finding the perpetrators responsible for shutting down the Almanac, "so long as it's less than five bucks."
. . .
And if you believe all of that crap, I've got another one for you.
Except for the stuff about Joe Paterno. I do have his book. And a picture of him.
Sorry about the interruption of the past few days. As some of you know, Tube City Online has been hosted for free since the late paleozoic era (OK, since 1996) by Derrick Brashear.
Derrick reports that the Dementia server's power supply died sometime Thursday, and that the hard disk was also having problems. He's put in some hard hours in between doing several other important tasks in Real Life (tm), and things are back to normal. I am very grateful, and owe him several frosted beverages.
There's lots to talk about, so regular Almanac entries will resume now.
. . .
(Fire picture from DesMoinesBroadcasting.com. "Bunsen Honeydew" copyright Jim Henson Productions. "Joe Paterno" copyright Florence and Angelo Paterno.)
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