Category: default || By jt3y

By Etaoin Shrdlu
Chief Crime Correspondent
Tube City Almanac

SPECIAL REPORT: North Bittyburg police are investigating an apparent fire-bombing at Tube City Omnimedia's worldwide headquarters.

The suspected arson forced Tube City Almanac to temporarily suspend publication and also shut down Tube City Online --- the Mon-Yough area's leading source of Internet misinformation.

According to a police spokesman, witnesses saw a car fleeing the scene shortly before the building went up in flames. A sketch of the driver (at left), created from witness statements, was released yesterday by the North Bittyburg police department.

Police refused to speculate on possible motives, but a source close to the investigation said the fire-bombing might be retaliation for recent Almanac stories about Penn State McKeesport's plans --- approved by Penn State trustees on Friday --- to change its name to "Penn State Allegheny."

The editor of Tube City Almanac, shown at right in an undated photograph, said he is "mystified" by the attack.

"I have nothing but the deepest respect and admiration for my friends at Penn State McKee ... er, Allegheny," he said. "I'm sure that they would not be involved in any such skullduggery. In fact, I own the official biography of Joe Paterno, No Ordinary Joe, as well as a color photograph of the legendary coach.

"Such a heinous crime could only have been committed by Islamofascist terrorists, or barring that, people from Cranberry or Mt. Lebanon who are jealous of Our Fair City," he added.

North Bittyburg police are vowing to "spare no expense" in finding the perpetrators responsible for shutting down the Almanac, "so long as it's less than five bucks."

. . .

And if you believe all of that crap, I've got another one for you.

Except for the stuff about Joe Paterno. I do have his book. And a picture of him.

Sorry about the interruption of the past few days. As some of you know, Tube City Online has been hosted for free since the late paleozoic era (OK, since 1996) by Derrick Brashear.

Derrick reports that the Dementia server's power supply died sometime Thursday, and that the hard disk was also having problems. He's put in some hard hours in between doing several other important tasks in Real Life (tm), and things are back to normal. I am very grateful, and owe him several frosted beverages.

There's lots to talk about, so regular Almanac entries will resume now.

. . .

(Fire picture from DesMoinesBroadcasting.com. "Bunsen Honeydew" copyright Jim Henson Productions. "Joe Paterno" copyright Florence and Angelo Paterno.)