December 22, 2006
The Customer is Always Wrong
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Oh, for the days of local stores like David Israel and Cox's, where they actually gave a damn if you shopped with them. |
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Sales for Internet retailers are up nearly 25 percent this Christmas, according to
Bloomberg News. I did a lot of my shopping online at several different websites, and I can't speak for anyone else, but I know why I dropped a C-note at Amazon and elsewhere instead of at the mall.
No, it isn't the crowds or the price of gasoline. It's the service.
True, you don't get much service from Amazon. But no service is better than the rotten service I've gotten practically
everywhere this Christmas season. (With one notable exception, which I'll get to at the end of this
Almanac.)
It may sound like I'm bashing clerks in some of these items. I'm not. Clerks have it rough --- for an alternative view (namely that customers are pigs), check out "
Behind The Counter," a journal maintained by a Wal-Mart employee in Florida.
No, I blame the big, national companies that own most of the stores today. They're the ones who train the employees and set the idiotic policies that the sales personnel are expected to follow. They ought to be forced to shop in their own darned stores.
How do I loathe thee, merry merchants? Let me count the ways.
- I Am Not a Crook: You know, I didn't mind when they started requiring two forms of ID with checks. I figured that was for my protection as much as the store's.
But try writing a check nowadays and many cashiers react like you've just dropped your pants and defecated in front of the counter. A growing number of chain stores now require manager's approval of any check, even if they have one of those little electronic validating machines, and even when you have proper ID.
So you stand there, the customers behind you wishing you fourteen forms of painful death, while some 19-year-old shmuck in a smock slouches his or her way to the checkout stand, only to announce, "Gee, I forget how to validate a check. Nobody writes checks any more."
You don't want to take checks? Fine. Don't accept checks, period. (Although I would note that most online retailers gladly accept e-checks with a minimum of fuss.) But don't treat me like I'm some kind of a mental patient.
- Steal This Card: It wouldn't bother me if they treated credit cards with the same amount of suspicion. After all, it's considerably easier to steal someone's credit card or to obtain a card fraudulently than it is to forge bank checks.
Just start going through someone's mail for a few days, and chances are a pre-approved credit offer will show up. Bingo! You'll have racked up thousands of dollars in fradulent charges before your victim gets the first statement.
(The Almanac is not encouraging anyone to commit credit-card fraud, and we fully support the vigorous prosecution of anyone using false pretenses to obtain credit, so if you decide to steal a credit card to buy Christmas presents, just remember we take a 16 neck and a 34/35 sleeve.)
Anyway, you could walk into practically any store in the United States, present a Visa card issued by the People's State Bank of Namibia in the name of "Donald Q. Duck," and they'd cheerfully accept it.
They rarely check to see if they name matches the person presenting the card. They never look at the signature. John Hargrave, a writer for Zug.com, actually started signing charge slips "Mariah Carey" and "Beethoven" to see if anyone would reject his card. No one did. He even signed one "I Stole This Card." No problem!
Only once did he get challenged --- and Circuit City still tried to sell him a $16,000 big-screen TV despite the fact that he kept signing the charge slips "NOT AUTHORIZED."
And yet I've got to submit to everything short of a body-cavity search to write a check on the McKeesport branch of a bank while I'm in White Oak. Horsefeathers.
- Idiot Salespeople: This is an easy one. I strongly, strongly resent knowing more than the people who work at the store. If I have to explain to you the virtues, price and availability of your merchandise, then there is absolutely no reason for me to buy anything from you.
Most manufacturers have online stores now --- if I'm going to do all of the work anyway, then I might as well cut you out of the equation entirely.
I don't need you to hold my hand, but when I ask you what colors or sizes an item comes in, I would like some sort of response besides a shrug or a blank stare. Thanks. Appreciate it.
- Take My Money, Please: Hey, Macy's, Sears, J.C. Penney's, et al: If you want me to pay department store prices, then I expect to be able to find a counter open somewhere in or near each department.
If I'm buying a quilt in Home Furnishings, I should not have to drag it down the escalator and across the store to Children's and Infants' Wear to pay for it. I am doing you a favor by spending my money. You are not doing me a favor by taking it.
If you're not going to pay salespeople to answer questions and man counters, then I might as well go to Target, pick out the merchandise from the shelves, and wait in line at the checkout stand, huh? And perhaps this explains why you're getting your clocks cleaned by discounters.
. . .
I mentioned that I had one pleasant shopping experience this year. It was in a store that's new to the Mon-Yough area. A friend was looking for something for his wife and asked me to meet him at the Monroeville Mall.
And there, I got my first experience with
Boscov's. There was a lot of very nice merchandise attractively displayed and there was a saleslady (sorry, they were almost all ladies) at nearly every department. For a minute I thought we had entered a time warp.
The salesperson at the cosmetics counter spent a half-hour with my friend, showing him different items, before suggesting that he might find what he was looking for
at a competing store. Yes,
just like Kris Kringle in
Miracle on 34th Street.
. . .
Maybe it's no surprise that Boscov's is still
a family-owned business based not in New York City, but Reading, Pa.
I'm not a big department store shopper, but a few more experiences like that with Boscov's, and I might become one.
(One other place where I've been pleasantly surprised with the service is Walgreen's. After spending some time and not a small amount of money in their stores in Pleasant Hills and Homestead, I'm convinced that Rite Aid is in for a world of hurting in this market. More about Walgreen's in an upcoming
Almanac.)
As for the rest of you clowns, you've got 11 months to shape up, or next year, I'm buying
everything for Christmas online, including the
egg nog.
Unless the shipping costs go up, in which case everyone on my list is getting road maps and air fresheners from the truck stop in Smithton.
. . .
To Do This Weekend: Not surprisingly, the event calendar is pretty thin this weekend. I couldn't find anything significant in
Our Fair City or its suburbs. If your non-profit group or organization is planning something, feel free to post it in the comments.
Otherwise, have a very merry and safe Christmas with your loved ones or friends, and read Al Lowe's
roundup of holiday memories from Mon-Yough area people and personalities!
December 22, 2006
Cry Me a River
December 21, 2006
East Side, West Side, All Around The Town
We're tripping the light fantastic on the sidewalks of The 'Port:
. . .
Nothing for Christmas: Has anyone else noticed the conspicuous absence of two local Christmas displays?
The animated neon displays depicting angels and candles that have traditionally shown from the windows of The Daily News Building didn't appear this year. Neither did the big Christmas tree made of green and white lights that has decorated the side of the Mansfield Building at UPMC McKeesport hospital for at least a decade.
Messages left for UPMC McKeesport's spokeswoman by the Almanac have not been returned. I haven't asked anyone at the newspaper why the neon wasn't put up this year, though maybe someone there wants to email your humble correspondent with the answer.
I have a hunch that the neon from the Daily News may just be in need of repair (those signs have to be 40 years old), while perhaps construction work at the hospital precluded the return of the Christmas tree this year.
Though neither the News nor the hospital are obligated to provide Christmas displays for our amusement, both were very nice holiday traditions that brightened a glum Downtown business district. Let's hope they return next year.
. . .
Hot Dog!: A tempest in a stew pot erupted recently in the
Daily News over a story about the former Sam's Superior Restaurant, the legendary Downtown bar and grill that served its last wiener last Christmas.
The new owner was quoted as saying the old restaurant was full of "junk" and also accusing the previous owner, caterer Philip Haughey, of not having the original recipe for the famous chili that topped Sam's hot dogs.
Haughey fired back with a letter to the editor, saying that the "junk" that the new owner tossed out included the 1920s-vintage equipment that had long been a landmark at Sam's, and adding that he had
received the chili recipe directly from the descendants of restaurant founder Sam Pandel.
Meanwhile, the new owner is planning to convert Sam's into a family restaurant and sports bar.
Now, I bow to no one in my appreciation for Sam's, especially under Haughey's ownership --- the man and his crew made some delicious cheap lunches. But the location (on Tube Works Alley, wedged behind the People's Building) is terrible. There's no parking, for one thing.
The
Almanac (which always has good ideas for spending
other people's money)
is on record as suggesting that Sam's should have moved down Fifth Avenue to one of the vacant buildings near the Palisades. A hot-dog shop would be a great asset to the ballroom and the marina, and would have good visibility at the end of the Jerome Avenue Bridge --- not to mention free parking.
And no one asked me, but putting a sports bar --- especially one that hopes to attract a family clientele --- in the old Sam's location might be the worst idea anyone's had since someone at Three Mile Island said, "Hey, what does this button do?" Few people with children are going to want to schlep them to a restaurant in an alley across from a boarded-up parking garage. Even fewer are going to want to park a block or more away.
I wish the sports bar lots of luck --- it's going to need it, unfortunately.
. . .
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| Regrettably, Harpo Marx did not submit a bid for the animal control contract. | |
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Speaking of Dogs: City council has appointed a new company to do animal control after residents claimed that the previous service was "inhumane."
According to the
P-G, Triangle Pet Control of McKees Rocks will take over next year from city-based Ferree Kennels.
The complainants were upset that Ferree euthanized stray dogs and cats by locking them in an air-tight box that was fed with exhaust from a running gasoline engine.
Owner Ken Ferree noted that the method was legal under state law, but his testimony in front of council probably didn't help his case much:
"This is an approved method that's used by people who commit suicide," Mr. Ferree said, noting that some people kill themselves by shutting themselves in a garage with a running automobile engine until the fumes overtake them.
Hmm. Well, although that's true, if it were my business, comparing it with suicide would not exactly be the image I wanted to project, but I could be wrong.
. . .
A Bridge Too Far: Come to think of it, I didn't realize there was an "approved method" to commit suicide. If anything, I thought the approved method was to jump off of the Westinghouse Bridge, because (all together now)
you can be sure if it's Westinghouse.
Wow --- that was a cheap line, even by my standards.
December 20, 2006
Not Quite the G.E. College Bowl
Alert Reader Glenn passed along the following list, which saved me from having to write something (half) witty for the Almanac. I think some of these were inspired by a similar list going around called "You know you're from Pittsburgh." Anyway, see if any of these apply to you, and enjoy:
You Know You're From McKeeesport If:
- You did your Christmas shopping at Murphy's, Cox's, Immels, The Famous, Goodmans, Helmstaders and Union Clothing
- Balsamo's was the hit of the town
- You couldn't wait to read today's Daily News
- You've told your children to "redd up" their rooms
- You've ever gotten hurt by falling into a "jaggerbush"
- You couldn't wait until the Fourth of July to watch the fireworks at "Renzie Park"
- You can pronounce correctly and spell the name of the main tributary into the Monongahela at McKeesport
- You remember the blizzard of 1950 and remember not being able to go outside because the snow was over your head, and you would have suffocated
- You drink pop, eat hoagies, and love perogies, halushski, and gyros
- You know what a "still mill" is --- especially the "National Tube" and "Duquesne Works"
- You grew up on a diet of Menzie milk, Vienna Bakery donuts, and Isaly's or Peters Triple "A" Chipped Ham
- You usta swim at Rainbow Gardens swimming pool, and spend Saturday night at the Rainbow drive-in
- You saw Gene Autry or Roy Rogers at the Capitol Theater
- You went roller skating at the Palisades, then went to Loralie's Club Car, or Dick's Diner afterwards
- You went to the County Airport to watch the planes take off
- First Ward was a place to live, not a steel mill
- When you misbehaved, you got a "lickin'"
- Your last name has 10 or more letters in it (two of them are a "z" or "v" or three of them are "s-k-i") and nobody can pronounce it
- The only food served at your wedding was rigatoni and stuffed cabbages
- You went to Saturday night dances at the Library, the Palisades, or the Kennywood Ballroom
- You got your First Holy Communion outfit at Byer's
- Jim's Hot Dogs in West Mifflin was in it's own food group and now your children and grandchildren are also now realizing that
December 19, 2006
Harp, The Harrowed Angles Sting
Some carols for our time, performed by Boy Scout Troop 147 of the Port Perry United Reformed Presbylutheran Church:
The first water main
On Sunday was broke,
It wasn't fixed 'til Wednesday
And that is no joke.
West Mifflin was dry,
And Munhall was, too.
They couldn't take showers
Or go to the loo.
No well, no well
No well, no well
They had no water 'cause they had no well.
: : :
O, little town of Wilmerding,
By Turtle Creek you lie.
Beneath the Bridge Street overpass
The rusty trains go by.
But in the Airbrake shineth
A flashing neon light:
The Sub Alpine Society
Has half-price beer tonight.
: : :
They keep North Huntingdon's highways clear
Those bright yellow trucks with salt,
Without them scraping the ice and snow
The traffic all would halt.
From Barnes Lake Road to the county line,
They push all the slush away.
We wish they woulda stayed home last night,
'Cause we have school today.
Published weekdays (usually), except holidays (and when we have something better to do) at McKeesport, Pa., by Tube City Online LLC, P.O. Box 94, McKeesport, Pa. 15134.