Category: default || By jt3y

	Oh, for the days of local stores like David Israel and Cox's, where they actually gave a damn if you shopped with them.

Sales for Internet retailers are up nearly 25 percent this Christmas, according to Bloomberg News. I did a lot of my shopping online at several different websites, and I can't speak for anyone else, but I know why I dropped a C-note at Amazon and elsewhere instead of at the mall.

No, it isn't the crowds or the price of gasoline. It's the service.

True, you don't get much service from Amazon. But no service is better than the rotten service I've gotten practically everywhere this Christmas season. (With one notable exception, which I'll get to at the end of this Almanac.)

It may sound like I'm bashing clerks in some of these items. I'm not. Clerks have it rough --- for an alternative view (namely that customers are pigs), check out "Behind The Counter," a journal maintained by a Wal-Mart employee in Florida.

No, I blame the big, national companies that own most of the stores today. They're the ones who train the employees and set the idiotic policies that the sales personnel are expected to follow. They ought to be forced to shop in their own darned stores.

How do I loathe thee, merry merchants? Let me count the ways.

1. I Am Not a Crook: You know, I didn't mind when they started requiring two forms of ID with checks. I figured that was for my protection as much as the store's.
   
   But try writing a check nowadays and many cashiers react like you've just dropped your pants and defecated in front of the counter. A growing number of chain stores now require manager's approval of any check, even if they have one of those little electronic validating machines, and even when you have proper ID.
   
   So you stand there, the customers behind you wishing you fourteen forms of painful death, while some 19-year-old shmuck in a smock slouches his or her way to the checkout stand, only to announce, "Gee, I forget how to validate a check. Nobody writes checks any more."
   
   You don't want to take checks? Fine. Don't accept checks, period. (Although I would note that most online retailers gladly accept e-checks with a minimum of fuss.) But don't treat me like I'm some kind of a mental patient.



2. Steal This Card: It wouldn't bother me if they treated credit cards with the same amount of suspicion. After all, it's considerably easier to steal someone's credit card or to obtain a card fraudulently than it is to forge bank checks.
   
   Just start going through someone's mail for a few days, and chances are a pre-approved credit offer will show up. Bingo! You'll have racked up thousands of dollars in fradulent charges before your victim gets the first statement.
   
   (The Almanac is not encouraging anyone to commit credit-card fraud, and we fully support the vigorous prosecution of anyone using false pretenses to obtain credit, so if you decide to steal a credit card to buy Christmas presents, just remember we take a 16 neck and a 34/35 sleeve.)
   
   Anyway, you could walk into practically any store in the United States, present a Visa card issued by the People's State Bank of Namibia in the name of "Donald Q. Duck," and they'd cheerfully accept it.
   
   They rarely check to see if they name matches the person presenting the card. They never look at the signature. John Hargrave, a writer for Zug.com, actually started signing charge slips "Mariah Carey" and "Beethoven" to see if anyone would reject his card. No one did. He even signed one "I Stole This Card." No problem!
   
   Only once did he get challenged --- and Circuit City still tried to sell him a $16,000 big-screen TV despite the fact that he kept signing the charge slips "NOT AUTHORIZED."
   
   And yet I've got to submit to everything short of a body-cavity search to write a check on the McKeesport branch of a bank while I'm in White Oak. Horsefeathers.



3. Idiot Salespeople: This is an easy one. I strongly, strongly resent knowing more than the people who work at the store. If I have to explain to you the virtues, price and availability of your merchandise, then there is absolutely no reason for me to buy anything from you.
   
   Most manufacturers have online stores now --- if I'm going to do all of the work anyway, then I might as well cut you out of the equation entirely.
   
   I don't need you to hold my hand, but when I ask you what colors or sizes an item comes in, I would like some sort of response besides a shrug or a blank stare. Thanks. Appreciate it.



4. Take My Money, Please: Hey, Macy's, Sears, J.C. Penney's, et al: If you want me to pay department store prices, then I expect to be able to find a counter open somewhere in or near each department.
   
   If I'm buying a quilt in Home Furnishings, I should not have to drag it down the escalator and across the store to Children's and Infants' Wear to pay for it. I am doing you a favor by spending my money. You are not doing me a favor by taking it.
   
   If you're not going to pay salespeople to answer questions and man counters, then I might as well go to Target, pick out the merchandise from the shelves, and wait in line at the checkout stand, huh? And perhaps this explains why you're getting your clocks cleaned by discounters.

. . .

I mentioned that I had one pleasant shopping experience this year. It was in a store that's new to the Mon-Yough area. A friend was looking for something for his wife and asked me to meet him at the Monroeville Mall.

And there, I got my first experience with Boscov's. There was a lot of very nice merchandise attractively displayed and there was a saleslady (sorry, they were almost all ladies) at nearly every department. For a minute I thought we had entered a time warp.

The salesperson at the cosmetics counter spent a half-hour with my friend, showing him different items, before suggesting that he might find what he was looking for at a competing store. Yes, just like Kris Kringle in Miracle on 34th Street.

. . .

Maybe it's no surprise that Boscov's is still a family-owned business based not in New York City, but Reading, Pa.

I'm not a big department store shopper, but a few more experiences like that with Boscov's, and I might become one.

(One other place where I've been pleasantly surprised with the service is Walgreen's. After spending some time and not a small amount of money in their stores in Pleasant Hills and Homestead, I'm convinced that Rite Aid is in for a world of hurting in this market. More about Walgreen's in an upcoming Almanac.)

As for the rest of you clowns, you've got 11 months to shape up, or next year, I'm buying everything for Christmas online, including the egg nog.

Unless the shipping costs go up, in which case everyone on my list is getting road maps and air fresheners from the truck stop in Smithton.

. . .

To Do This Weekend: Not surprisingly, the event calendar is pretty thin this weekend. I couldn't find anything significant in Our Fair City or its suburbs. If your non-profit group or organization is planning something, feel free to post it in the comments.

Otherwise, have a very merry and safe Christmas with your loved ones or friends, and read Al Lowe's roundup of holiday memories from Mon-Yough area people and personalities!