Tube City Almanac

September 08, 2008

Jacktown, Strawpump and Peyton Place

Category: General Nonsense || By

By now, you've heard the news (broken by former Daily News sports editor "Stormin'" Norman Vargo) that North Huntingdon Township's zoning board has caught a sex club ... oops, sorry, a church ... operating in Guffey Hollow.

The founders --- "Rev." John Ondrik and his wife, Kim --- claim their "Church of Spiritual Humanities" on Turner Valley Road should be allowed an exception from township zoning regulations because it's just a peaceful, friendly, neighborhood non-denominational gathering of like-minded believers.

The neighbors claim the Ondriks are running ads on the Internet that label the place "Swinger's Palace" (no, I'm not linking to the website) and that they're running a prohibited business in a residential area.

They object to the principle of the thing, you see, not the fact that folks are running around half-naked with their participles dangling.

As many of you know, North Huntingdon is basically McKeesport East (as opposed to East McKeesport), because a lot of residents of Our Fair City fled across the Westmoreland County border in the 1970s and '80s to the friendly confines of the Norwin School District.

I like North Huntingdon, and I've always enjoyed writing about it. Some of the stories I've most enjoyed writing over the years were reported from the Norwin area.

Still, I always viewed NHT as kind of a white-bread suburban community. Now we know the truth: It's actually a white-bread suburban community with some seriously kinky people.

Given that my love life currently looks like this, I'm wondering now if I should start cruising Norwin Towne Square, or maybe hanging out in the parking lot of the Subway on Jacktown Hill.

I'll have to work on some pickup lines:

  • "Hey, baby, if you went to Norwin High School, then you know once a knight isn't enough."

  • "What do you say to dinner at Teddy's, and breakfast at your place?"

  • "Of course I'm a real preacher. Wanna come back to my church and see my steeple?"


OK, those may need some more work.

In the meantime, it's no wonder that I'm poor. I never thought of getting ordained as a mail-order preacher and turning my house into a church.

Still, I don't intend to do it. I can barely pick up my socks and wash the dishes now; I don't intend to have people traipsing through on Sunday morning.

Also, I'm sure not going to open a club for "swingers." I've seen enough of the people who live around here to know that I want them to remain fully-clothed at all times.

But if the North Huntingdon zoning board allows this thing to continue, then the traditional churches in the township had better watch out.

There's no way that the strawberry festival at Circleville United Methodist Church can compete with naked Twister.

Even if those activities are equally messy.






Your Comments are Welcome!

“Hey baby, want to come to my ‘Nave’?” Given this new trend, it’s no wonder the dividing line between the nave and chancel in cathedrals is called a “rood screen”.
Eric - September 09, 2008



Grace Metallious is rolling around in her grave. Otherwise, all we need now is a casino where that Wal-Mart was supposed to go (still supposed to go? who knows?) near the Turnpike Interchange and we’d really have Sin City East.
Does it matter? - September 09, 2008



I was so happy to see my old neighborhood on CNN! Oh wait…
Alycia - September 09, 2008



Hey, didn’t your former employer hold his trysts in North Huntingdon as well? That place is Hot Springs, PA.
Bob (URL) - September 10, 2008



Hey, you’re right!

I think it’s time for a song:

There is a place I long to go, and I confess,
It’s Peyton Place.
They’ve got a brand-new meaning for “togetherness”
In Peyton Place.
You should go there if you are feeling lost and lonely;
As you drive into town it says, “For Adults Only”
Peyton Place, that’s where you’ll find me,
Leaving my qualms behind me.
I’m gonna run away from here and make my home
In Peyton Place;
They’ve got their own decline and fall of ancient Rome
In Peyton Place.
Everyone’s moral fiber’s in complete decay there;
They’ve got a problem cleaning up the PTA there.
Peyton Place, U.S.A.
Everyone walks around the square so overjoyed,
In Peyton Place;
That’s where they put the statue up of Sigmund Freud,
In Peyton Place.
They’ve got a new library there, but here’s the snapper:
Every book in it’s covered in a plain brown wrapper.
Peyton Place, where the good life is,
Depending where your wife is.
Nobody’s got an overdose of scruples
Down in Peyton Place;
All of the teachers learn things from their pupils,
Down in Peyton Place.
There is a faithful husband there, you oughtta see him;
He is the main exhibit in the town museum.
Peyton Place, U.S.A.
They’re giving promiscuity a real bad name
In Peyton Place;
That is where “Spin the Bottle” is an adult game
In Peyton Place.
And if you care to know just how their evenings go there,
Nobody’s ever seen “The Johnny Carson Show” there.
Peyton Place, U.S.A., my kind of town…
It’s Peyton Place, U.S.A.!
Webmaster - September 10, 2008



Here’s some audio. You can get this song (by Allan Sherman) and its follow up (“Son of Peyton Place”) from iTunes:

http://www.tubecityonline.com/almanac/audio/080910.mp3
Webmaster - September 10, 2008



I knew things were getting weird when I graduated in ’93 with one African-American in my class. There were two in the grades behind. The white dream I grew up with was falling apart. (SARCASM ALERT).

Fast forward 15 years and the homecoming queen beats her sister with the latter’s own leg.

Now this.

I’m moving back ;)
Schultz - September 17, 2008



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