Category: Rants a.k.a. Commentary, Sarcastic? Moi? || By

Attention, all residents of the Mon-Yough area!

You may have noticed certain flashing lights along Lysle Boulevard, Walnut Street, Lincoln Way, Eden Park Boulevard and other local roadways.

Sometimes they look like this:

And sometimes, they look like this:

They are not there just to use more energy on behalf of Duquesne Light, nor are they decorations that celebrate some obscure holiday.

In fact, sometimes, signs convey useful information.

No, really, it's true! For instance, when this sign is flashing or lit:

It is safe for you to cross the street.

When this sign is flashing or lit:

It is not safe to cross the street.

This sign does not mean:

• "Hobble out into the intersection and motion for the cars to stop"


• "Stride into the intersection and dare people to hit you"


• "Drive out into the street on your slow-moving electric-mobility cart," or


• "Drag your three squalling, runny-nosed kids, a Shop 'n Save buggy, and a stroller out into the middle of traffic."

It means that you should wait your turn.

Learning to wait our turn is one of the things that separates us from lower forms of life, like chimps, Cleveland Browns fans, and people who write political commercials for TV.

Remember, it is safe to cross the street when you see this little man:

Hey! Here's a fun fact: You may be surprised to learn that in most of the rest of the United States of America ... indeed, most of the world, even in countries whose primary export is dysentery ... the people know that they're not supposed to cross when the sign looks like this:

Many Mon-Yough area residents --- possibly your friends and neighbors --- also learned how to cross the street safely when we were 5 or 6 years old.

But our moms and dads didn't encourage us to run out into traffic like your moms and dads apparently did.

. . .

Please, set a good example for your kids, and learn when to cross the street.

And teach your kids when to cross the street, too, before they get smeared all over Kennywood Boulevard by a tri-axle coal truck.

Use the lumpy thing on top of your neck --- you know, the part with your piehole --- as something other than a holder for the counterfeit Steelers hat you bought at the flea market.

Until Hasbro invents soft, bouncy car bumpers and fenders made of "Nerf" material, being struck by a car will hurt you. People who are hit by cars run the risk of death, the side effects of which are often fatal.

. . .

This message paid for by a grant from the Tube City Online Foundation for the Extremely Obvious. In our next installment, we'll discuss the Mon Valley tradition of walking in the middle of a lane instead of on the sidewalk ... and why this, too, might be bad for your health!