These are the Jokes, Folks

Category: Satire, So-Called Radio Humor || By

"The pun is the lowest form of humour."
--- Samuel Johnson, 18th century British editorialist, lexicographer, biographer and poet

"Samuel Johnson hadn't seen anything yet."
--- Jason Togyer, 21st century Mon Valley editorialist, journalist and malcontent

. . .

You can blame Chris Potter, managing editor of City Paper, for inspiring today's first piece of alleged "comedy."

The only problem I had with Chris' commentary was that I'm not sure what a syrupy bromide is.

It sounds like something they used to make at soda fountains. "Gimme a cherry phosphate, and my girlfriend wants a syrupy bromide."

Heck, James Lileks probably has a whole section of his website devoted to nostalgia about syrupy bromides.

Anyway, "enjoy," if that's the world, and a note to UPMC's kind-hearted lawyers: We don't have any money, so don't bother suing.

The UMPC Minute: Acute Hypo-Liquidity Syndrome (MP3, 1.8 MB)

. . .

As for our second piece of alleged comedy, during the discussion of the Lake Emilie fish kill, Alert Reader John made the following comments:

Lake Emilie is not a lake with a natural ecosystem to keep itself clean, and a constant supply of fresh water provided by natural runoff or other streams.

It's a container to hold municipal runoff, which could possibly contain sewage, road tar, pesticides, and other nastiness. Essentially, a large dirty puddle --- which, depending on migratory season, could also be constructed entirely of goose feces.

If you would eat something you found in a large dirty puddle (made of goose feces), that's fine, but please do so with the understanding that your meal came from a large dirty puddle (made of goose feces).

Catch and release is the only way to go here. And wash up afterwards.

This was such a good description, in the editor's opinion, that with John's permission we have created the Lake Emilie Hunt and Fish Club for anyone who wants to eat meals from a large dirty puddle made of goose feces.

There are no meetings or dues required, but there is one rule: "Tersus vestri manuum."

(I didn't take Latin at Serra, so maybe you other Catholics out there can tell me if my translation is accurate.)

We now have T-shirts and bumper stickers for Lake Emilie Hunt and Fish Club members, available in the Tube City Store.

I don't suppose Samuel Johnson approved of T-shirts, either.

(Any profits from souvenir sales support the Almanac and other parts of Tube City Community Media Inc.)

Your Comments are Welcome!

I have had that sticker on the back window of my truck now for two weeks, and several people (Not from McKeesport) have asked where Lake Emilie is. I tell them it is a lake in McKeesport with great historical significance. One guy asked me if he could launch his boat there. I told him sure, just avoid the dead catfish.
Adam - July 14, 2009

... and the goose feces.
Webmaster - July 14, 2009

I’m sorry, Adam, but I just got this vision of someone taking their 24-foot cabin cruiser to Lake Emilie and I laughed so hard I strained something.

I just see this guy backing his trailer up, getting out of his truck, and saying, “It’s a large, dirty puddle!”

And his wife says, “Made of goose feces!”

Then the Benny Hill music starts playing, and people start running around …
Webmaster - July 14, 2009

Great..I’m speechless, so ….great
Adam - July 14, 2009

Too funny. I want my sticker for my new truck!!!!!

I did have Latin (at MASD of all places. Miss Klein’s class. Humana Humana Humana….

Hey Norton! Get the poop back in the sewer and out of my lake!

To the moon Alice. To the Moon.

(If you can’t tell, Sluggo is fealing pretty good right about now.)

My unofficial bodycount is up to 98. (Want more pictures, video, or a cracass of your very own? I have all available….)

May just have to take a ride down now, maybe once I surpass triple digits, someone on 5th Avenue will take notice…

Paul
Paul "Sluggo" Shelly Jr. (URL) - July 14, 2009

Sorry, Paul but I think this town has enough “cracass”‘s.
Adam - July 14, 2009

My Latin is rusty, but I believe you were looking for “tersus mani vestri” or “wash your hands.” But, literally, what do I know?
does it matter? - July 14, 2009

I’d like to come forward and admit that I am the one responsible for the catfish killings. Well, somewhat responsible. Serving as proxy for the local goose population, I’ve been acquiring large quantities of semi-automatic weapons from the bitter gun nuts of the area, and aiding them in their campaign of piscine slaughter. They hope to have the lake completely clear by mid-October, thereby eliminating all competition for crusty Schwebel’s bread. They plan to make their winter home here, and they tell me they anticipate — “God willing” — producing a viable candidate for Mayor before the next election.

They have not offered to compensate me in any way, but since I am greatly outnumbered, I fear that I have no recourse but to comply with their demands.

If I disappear unexpectedly, please search for my body over the spillway, or perhaps in the woods behind Cal’s Cantina. They like to go there sometimes.
John - July 14, 2009

To be a realistic depiction of lake Emilie, shouldn’t the catish be bell-side up? Taking the dirt nap? Expired?

Sorry.

Had to go there.

Paul
Paul "Sluggo" Shelly Jr. (URL) - July 15, 2009

(comment deleted by editor)

Councilman:

You’ve had your say on this issue repeatedly and at length.

Please move on, or post further commentaries on your own website.

Thanks for understanding.

Jason Togyer
Executive Director
Tube City Community Media Inc.
Paul "Sluggo" Shelly Jr. (URL) - July 16, 2009

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