Category: Rants a.k.a. Commentary, Sarcastic? Moi?, Satire || By

Cluttered items from an empty mind ...

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Today is Municipal Election Day in Pennsylvania, or as most people know it, "Hey, how come the liquor stores are closed?"

It's your chance to randomly select judges based on the county in which they live, or the ethnicity of their last name.

My grandfather voted for Hungarian-sounding names. If it had been up to Pap, all of the judges in Allegheny County would have been Toths, Nagys, Kovaches, Molnars and Baloghs.

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It's good to see Terry Madonna of Franklin and Marshall College getting quoted in news stories again. Man, I hadn't heard anything from him in almost a week.

Way to dig for those sources, reporters!

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Every year, some goody-goody recommends that we appoint judges based on their qualifications. Bull! All Americans have the right to elect judges based on their TV commercials.

It's in the U.S. Constitution. Or maybe the Television Code of Good Practice.

If we put selection of judges into the hands of liberal elitists, we might end up with judges who were hooked on prescription painkillers, like Rolf Larsen, or who were extorting money from attorneys, like Joe Jaffe.

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We also elect magisterial district judges, like former Elizabeth Township magistrate Ernest Marraccini. He retired back in 2006, and now he writes letters to the editor of the Daily News.

In one of his most recent ones --- and I can't make this up --- he said he was tired of the Obama administration's "Amos 'n Andy" show. Marraccini, it's worth noting, stepped down after being reprimanded for calling defendants in his courtroom "morons."

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Anyway, I always look forward to Municipal Election Day --- or, more specifically, being able to use my answering machine again.

About a week before the election, I start coming home to find the little red light on the machine blinking like a forest fire, and it's one worthless message after another, so I just delete them all without even listening to them --- "vote for this judge," "don't vote for that judge," "your water bill is now 60 days past due," etc.

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The most amusing recorded message so far this year was from Bill George, president of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO. Evidently he hadn't looked at the list of names he was going to endorse before he started taping the message.

So his message went something like, "I want to urge you to vote for Judge Teresa Sam ... Sarmina and Judge Barbara Eren ... Ernse ... Ernsberger." If that wasn't a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is!

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In West Mifflin, municipal elections mean that residents have the right to vote for the Olasz or Jabbour of their choice, while in Pittsburgh, residents are holding a coronation ceremony for their mayor.

The race is between Franco Harris' son, Cindy Ravenstahl's son, and some other guy, plus Les Ludwig, who I once compared to Christopher Lloyd in the "Back to the Future" movies. Since Pittsburgh is perpetually stuck in 1955, maybe he's the only valid candidate in the race.

Ludwig recently told Diana Nelson Jones of the Post-Gazette that "no one listens to me."

Les, to quote that great philosopher Groundskeeper Willie: "Willie hears ye. Willie don' care."

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Dr. Pica Pole, director of research at the Tube City Online Laboratories, is predicting that Ravenstahl pulls 67 percent of the vote, Harris 19 percent, and Kevin Acklin 13 percent.

That doesn't quite add to 100 percent, but Dr. Pole is including Les Ludwig in the remaining 1 percent, along with votes cast for Lyndon LaRouche and the late Harold Stassen.

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As of lunchtime at my polling station (North Bittyburg Ward 3, Precinct 1), only 63 people had voted. I asked the judge of elections, in a light-hearted manner, "Where are all of the people who were here last year?"

She gave me a very serious look. "Oh, they're just waiting for next year," she said, nodding her head.

I got the sneaky suspicion that she was talking about "Sending a Message to That Man in the White House," but whether she was referring to Barack Obama or Franklin Roosevelt wasn't clear.

Given the average age of the people in my neighborhood, it could be either one.

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Indeed, next year is a federal election, and Darlin' Arlen Specter will be running in the Democratic primary against Joe Sestak and Bill "The Dravosburg Kid" Kortz.

In the general election, the winner will likely face Gloomy Pat Toomey, who's running as the candidate of traditional values --- in the tradition of Strom Thurmond.

I'm not saying that Toomey is a little bit right-wing, but he's already picked up the endorsement of the Club for Growth, the National Rifle Association and the German-American Bund. (OK, I made that up. The Bund hasn't endorsed anyone yet.)

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With Toomey in the race, we'll be discussing serious, meaty issues, including whether we're about to be overrun by Muslim hordes who will send married gays out to cause mandatory abortions and raise taxes on dead people.

I think I'll smash my answering machine now and save myself some time. And next November, I'm voting for Harold Stassen.

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Opinions expressed in commentaries at Tube City Almanac are those of the authors, and do not reflect those of Tube City Community Media Inc. or its directors.