Category: Commentary/Editorial || By

Since the Steelers swan-dived this season, Western Pennsylvania has had little need for Monday morning quarterbacks.

Instead, they've all re-invented themselves as Monday-morning snow-plowing experts.

It doesn't matter if the most complicated piece of equipment you've ever operated is a fork to your mouth --- everyone has a theory about why it took so long to clear the roads.

Especially people on Twitter, Facebook and, Lord he'p us, talk radio. They've kept the lines buzzing on KDKA, the official radio station of people who get up three times a night to pee.

. . .

One guy called Marty Griffin --- the only man! in Pittsburgh! who speaks! In exclamation points! --- and recommended a certain brand of road-grader. He was giving out the name of the dealer that handles that particular make when he was cut off.

Marty, giving credence to my Monday-morning quarterback comparison, had his own theory: "It's like a football game! And the plow crews got behind! You can't do that! You can't get behind in the first half!"

No doubt snow-plowing, like football, is a game of inches, and you've got to give 110 percent, too, and execute the plays, and blah blah blah.

. . .

Mostly, people were just complaining. "You ought to come out to McKeesport, the streets are like driving on a washboard." "We haven't seen a plow in New Kensington for three days." "We have two feet of snow on the street in Brighton Heights."

On and on it went, community after community. I was waiting for Grandpa Simpson to call: "I'm cold, and there are wolves after me."

The people who really made me laugh are the ones who said --- and I quote --- "I'd gladly pay more taxes if they'd plow the streets better."

. . .

Har-har-hardee-har-har. If any municipality raised taxes but promised to hire more public-works employees and buy more snow plows, the mayor and council would be boiled in oil.

Pittsburgh Councilman Bruce Kraus, also on KDKA: "We just need to find the money. I'm the chairman of the finance committee, I'll find the money."

Wanna find some money, councilman? Eliminate four of Pittsburgh's nine full-time paid council members. I'll bet that would pay for more plows and drivers.

. . .

Now, it's possible that every single community in Allegheny County has incompetent public-works officials. Or, it's also possible that usual plowing techniques don't work when you have 22 inches of heavy snow and ice.

I did some complaining myself. Sunday morning, I went out to help my neighbors dig. "I haven't seen the borough's plow since Friday night," I said.

"Not true," my neighbor corrected me. "They were past here at least five times last night. It just isn't doing anything."

. . .

Later on, I tried to get my car out of a parking space. It took two road flares, a pound of salt and an ice-pick to chip away the frozen snow under the tires.

When the borough's plow went by a few minutes later, I watched the blade bounce uselessly off of the road.

On Monday morning, I saw city crews plowing Walnut Street in tandem --- using a backhoe to scrape ice and following along behind with a conventional snow plow.

. . .

Old neighborhoods with narrow streets present another problem. Big dump trucks can't make it through older streets, so many local public works departments use pickup trucks to plow instead. But they're not heavy enough to bust through the snow, and one local cop tells me the pickup trucks are getting stuck, too.

Why are some communities doing a better job? Well, I suspect they have fewer alleys and less densely populated neighborhoods.

And their streets are wider --- they were planned in the 1950s and '60s, not the 1850s --- and their residents have off-street parking. My street, built in the 1920s, is a mess. Nearby post-war streets with newer homes look pretty good.

. . .

By way of disclaimer, I should admit that my grandfather drove a snow plow for the old state Department of Highways (pre-PennDOT) and Port Vue Borough.

Admittedly, he loved this kind of weather. Snow plowing "was like hunting camp for him," says mom. "He got away from us, loaded up the Thermos and disappeared for a couple of days."

(He died in January 1996 during a tremendous blizzard that forced us to delay his burial several days. I still maintain he would have thought that was hilariously ironic.)

. . .

So, maybe I'm soft-hearted. But even though I was stuck in my neighborhood for two days, I still suspect local governments are doing as well as can be expected.

And seriously, just where the hell do we all need to go so badly? Everything's closed. I got two consecutive snow days for the first time in my working life.

Two free days of paid vacation. I'm not complaining.

Nevertheless, I did venture out again on Tuesday. I went Downtown to the state store and got a bottle of scotch.

Sorry, but after listening to people bellyache about snow plowing for four solid days, I needed to get a little plowed myself.

You should type something in the 'comment'-field. Be sure to click on 'Post Comment' to store it permanently.