Category: Sarcastic? Moi? || By

Employee Injury/Illness Report
Copies to:

1. Human Resources Dep't. (white),
2. Physical Plant Dep't. (yellow),
3. Employee's Dep't. (pink)

When did the injury occur?
Answer: Dec. 8, 2011, 10 a.m.

What was the cause of the injury?
Answer: Employee fell down a flight of stairs, dislocating his arm.

What was the exact mechanism of the injury?
Answer: Employee's m-----r-f--ing arm came out of its m-----r-f--ing socket.

Were there any witnesses to the injury?
Answer: Two students, but they kept walking, those chickens.

What was employee doing immediately prior to injury?
Answer: Whistling "Ragtime Cowboy Joe" and thinking about chocolate-covered granola bars.

What equipment, if any, was employee using that may have contributed to this injury?
Answer: Stairs.

Did employee receive supervised training to use this equipment and/or perform this procedure?
(If "yes," describe when, and by whom.)
Answer: Yes. Age 2, by his mom.

What safety equipment, if any, was installed at location of injury?
Answer: Handrail.

Was employee using safety equipment, if any, at time of injury?
Answer: Yes, and if he'd just let go of the damn handrail, he wouldn't have yanked his m-----r-f--ing arm out of its m-----r-f--ing socket!

List specific parts of employee's body that were injured in this incident.
Answer: 1.) Arm (left, m----r-f--king); 2.) Pride

Was treatment necessary? If so, describe.
Answer: Employee was taken by police to employer's workmen's compensation doctor. Doctor left employee in treatment room for 20-30 minutes before coming in and yelling at him, quote: "What are you doing here? You shouldn't even be here." Doctor then informed employee that employee would need to find private transportation to emergency room. Doctor then left.

Who administered treatment?
Answer: Employee. Before passing out from pain, employee jammed employee's dislocated shoulder into door frame and twisted elbow with right hand, reducing the dislocation. Employee was then upgraded from "pained" to "p-ssed off" and taken by private auto to emergency room.

Was follow-up care necessary? Who administered this care?
Answer: Employee waited for two hours at first emergency room, which looked like the "Star Wars" cantina. Employee then went to another emergency room, which looked like the waiting room in "Beetlejuice." Employee was eventually treated at a walk-in urgent care center, and would love to know how much they billed employer's insurance company.

If applicable, list employee's date of death.
Answer: Employee doesn't want to know. He prefers to be surprised.

How can employee avoid this injury in the future?
Answer: Take the elevator. Correction: Take the m----r-f--king elevator.

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