Category: Commentary/Editorial || By

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are forced to dip into the Tube City Almanac archives and reprint some "classic" (?) columns this week. This article originally appeared on Tube City Almanac (then known as Tube City: The Blog) on Wednesday, Aug. 6, 2003.

Postscript: At the end of this column, I suggested that the bank in question was run "by morons, thieves, or a little bit of both." It turns out that the correct answer was "thieves" ... a few years after this column appeared, reports surfaced that this bank was laundering money for drug cartels and terrorist organizations.

. . .

Originally appeared on "Tube City: The Blog" on Aug. 6, 2003.

I had a Mastercard payment due Tuesday. On Saturday, I logged onto the website to make the payment electronically.

"Your account balance is $0.00," the website said. (It didn't actually say it, I had to read it.) "Your current payment due is $0.00."

Hmm, I thought, that's odd. I checked my account status.

"You have been upgraded to a Platinum Mastercard," it said. "You must enter your new account number to activate your account. Your new card will arrive by mail within seven to 10 days."

I called the bank's toll-free computerized number. "You have no payments due at this time," the computerized voice said.

Fine. I'll wait until the next statement, I figured.

As of today, however, I hadn't received the new card, and I was a little worried, so I called the bank this afternoon.

"I want to make sure I didn't have a payment past due," I said.

"Your payment was due yesterday," the operator said. "You owe a late fee of $29."

"No, I tried to make my payment, but your computer told me I didn't have any payments due."

"Correct, but that was on the old card. You've been upgraded to platinum status. Your balance was transferred to the new card."

"I don't have the account number for the new card."

"Correct. We haven't mailed the new card yet."

"Then how could I owe a payment on a card I haven't received yet?"

"You owed money on the old card."

"But you told me I didn't owe any money on the old card!"

"You should have sent a payment in on the old card, sir."

"I have a balance of zero on the old card. Wouldn't my payment have shown up as a credit on the old card?"

"That's correct. It would have been a credit."

(Sigh.) "Can you give me the account number for the new card? That way I can make a payment on it?"

"I'm sorry, sir, I'm not allowed to do that."

"You can't do that?"

"No, sir."

This was when my mainspring snapped.

"You're charging me a late fee on a card I haven't used yet," I said, as politely as I could, "on an account I can't make a payment to, because you upgraded me to a card I didn't want, without my knowledge, and when I tried to make a payment on the old card, you wouldn't accept it. Is that right?"

Silence on her end. Then: "Sir, can I ask you why it took you so long to call us about this?"

Remember when Popeye used to get mad? And steam would whistle from his corncob pipe and music would begin to play?

"I beg your pardon?" I said.

"May I ask why you waited so long to call us about this?" the operator said.

"Put. Your. Supervisor. On. The. Phone. Now!"

To make a long story short (though I don't usually), after fighting with the supervisor for a few minutes, the bank graciously agreed to take my money and not charge me a fee for the favor of taking it. Wasn't that nice of them?

For legal reasons, I won't say the name of the company that issued the credit card. Suffice to say, however, it must be run by people who are morons, thieves, or a little bit of both. (It's Ousehold-ay Ank-bay.)

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