Category: default || By jt3y

Produce manager Joe Blimfark went into the store manager's office at the West Elizabeth Pic'n Shop this morning.

"What is it, Blimfark?" asked Mr. Goldshmitz.

"Well, boss, I just wanted you to be the first to know the good news," Blimfark said. "The staff took a vote last night, and we all agreed that we deserve a raise."

"Jeez, I'm sorry, Blimfark," Goldshmitz said, sticking a pinkie finger into his right ear and wiggling it vigorously. "This damned hearing aid must be on the blink again. I could have sworn that you said that yinz voted last night to give yourselves raises."

"No, that's right, boss," Blimfark said. "The vote went 51 percent to 48 percent. I'd say that's a mandate."

"51 and 48 don't add up to 100 percent," Goldshmitz said. "What happened to the other 1 percent?"

"We couldn't read the ballot that Julie from the bakery department sent in," Blimfark said. "It was covered in icing. Anyway, we've earned some political capital, and we intend to spend it."

Goldshmitz took his reading glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "And what gave you this half-witted idea?"

"Well, we read in the paper last night ..."

"Who gave you permission to read the paper?" Goldshmitz said, interrupting him. "I'm not paying you to read the paper."

"On our 15-minute break, boss," Blimfark said.

"Fine, but I hope you paid for that paper," Goldshmitz said. "Go on."

"We read that the state legislature is thinking about giving itself a $12,000 pay raise, and we figured, heck, we're worth another $12,000."

"How so?" asked Goldshmitz. "Isn't it enough that I pay you $5.15 an hour, plus all the dented and bulging cans you can carry home?"

"Believe me, boss, we appreciate it," said Blimfark, "even if my little girl did come down with food poisoning from that cherry pie filling. But if the state legislature can vote itself a raise, then we decided we can, too.

"And that's not all," he said.

"What else?" said Goldshmitz, with a sigh.

"We read where the state legislators each get $126 in expense money for every day they spend at work," Blimfark said. "Now, it's probably more expensive to eat in Harrisburg than it is in West Elizabeth, so we figure that we can cut you a break there. How's $100 a day sound?"

"That will buy a lot of hot dogs at the 7-Eleven," Goldshmitz said.

"Also, state legislators each get a free car. Since we can't afford a car on our pay --- and believe me, we're not complaining, boss --- most of us have to take the bus or walk. Now, we're not asking you to buy a car for each of us. If you just want to rent them, that's fine, too. And we don't need Lincoln Town Cars or SUVs like the state legislators get. A nice Chevy will be fine for each of us."

"Gee, that's fair," Goldshmitz said. "Anything else?"

"Well, there's one last thing," Blimfark said. "The Pennsylvania General Assembly takes the entire month of December off. Now, we know how important Christmas is at a grocery store, so we'd like to take a slower month off, instead. Maybe August."

"I really appreciate your consideration," Goldshmitz said.

"So, are you going to grant our requests?" Blimfark said.

"No, but I'll tell you what I will do," Goldshmitz said. "I'll give you until the count of five to get out of my office before I throw you out of that window and into the lottery counter."

"But we took a fair, open vote, just like the legislature is going to do!" Blimfark said, stamping his foot down.

"There's a big difference between you schlubs and the state legislature," Goldshmitz roared. "They spend the tax money, and you jerks just earn it!"

"But ..."

Goldshmitz stood up and rolled back his sleeves, counting: "Five ... four ... three ... " Blimfark quickly made his retreat back onto the sales floor.

Sharon, the lottery clerk, was waiting for him. "Well? How'd it go?"

"We scored a few important victories," Blimfark said, "but in the end, the decision turned on moral issues."