Category: default || By jt3y

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Commercialized cheer made me want to get soused.
I'd tired of false spirit that panders and sickens,
Flogging corpses of Charlies (both Schulz and Dickens).

The neighbors' houses, with decorations so bright,
Ensured that I wouldn't sleep well tonight.
A book in my lap, and a beer in my mitt,
I'd just settled in for a long winter's snit.

When out in the alley there arose such a ruckus,
I climbed from my lounge chair to see who the schmuck was.
I pulled up my pants and stuck toes in my shoes,
And grabbed up my ball bat to give him the news.

Yet what would my bloodshot eyes now reveal,
But a Chrysler Imperial with an old man at the wheel.
With a Camel in his mouth, he was flicking his Bic,
How was I to know that this was St. Nick?

While his long white beard was quite plain to see,
He shook when he coughed like he might have TB.
Then the jolly old elf finally got his smoke lit,
And said, "It's a disgusting habit, but I'm trying to quit."

His car held the clue that he was Kringle because,
It had Nunavut plates with just one word: CLAUS.
"Your car's cherry," I said, "and I think it's neato,
"But Santa, good man, why go incognito?"

Sighing, he said, "I've checked my list twice,
"But see here: Christmas can't come with a price,
"Some how you've lost our perspective, I fear,
"You're spending and buying too much every year.

"So I'm driving the U.S. with deliberate speed,
"To see if there's anything that folks really need.
"I've decided that I'm cutting way back, and fast,
"If things don't change, this trip is my last."

Astonished, I fell down, which was a mistake,
'Cause my seat collided with the tines of a rake.
Grabbing my end, I leapt in the air,
Crying, "Santa, what led you to feel such despair?"

"You're wasting your money on overpriced toys,
"They'll be broken by New Year's by the girls and the boys,
"Video games with violence and blood,
"Marking the birth of the Savior with crud,

"Pardon me now if I speak with presumption,
"And I regret if I've helped fuel your consumption,
"But the sight of the malls makes me want to barf.
"It's family that counts, your home and your hearth,

"Not the price of the gift, or the style of the wrap,
"Give your family a hug, instead of some crap,
"Tell your grandpa and grandma that you really care,
"Don't send them both sweaters that they'll never wear.

"Christmas isn't a time to show off your wealth,
"It's not only sinful, it's bad for your health.
"The credit card debts cause nothing but stress,
"And charging those gifts makes your budget a mess."

The Chrysler started to miss, and he gave it some gas,
Then said, "Look at the time! I'd best move my ass,
"I've got to get back to my North Pole lair,
"The reindeer and sleigh are waiting up there."

"But Santa," said I, "If our attitudes must shift,
"Then what are you giving to us as a gift?"
He coughed out some smoke, and said, smiling with mirth,
"Just a heartfelt note that says, 'Peace on Earth.'"

Then dropping the Torque-Flite down into big "D,"
He laid a little rubber and waved "bye" to me.
"To Glassport! To Port Vue! To Liberty and Lincoln!
"To Elizabeth and Clairton (hope the coke works aren't stinkin')!

"Your Fair City and White Oak, West Mifflin, Gill Hall,
"Whitaker, Homestead, Duquesne and Munhall,
"To the length of the Mon and the Yough from its mouth,
"To all the Versailles: North, borough and South,

"To North Huntingdon Township, Manor, and Trafford,
"To Wilmerding Borough, Mon City and Forward,
"To Pitcairn and Braddock, and of course, Turtle Creek,
"May next year bring all of you the joy that you seek!"

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Is Route 837 to the left or the right?"