Category: default || By jt3y

Kerry-Apology

     BOSTON—(TCA)—U.S. Sen. John Kerry has apologized if "any servicemen or women are unable to take a joke."

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Kerry-Apology-1st Writethru

     BOSTON—(TCA)—U.S. Sen. John Kerry has clarified his earlier apology, saying that he "did not intend to imply that America's fighting men and women were dumber than the president of the United X-X-X-X-X-X

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Kerry-Apology

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     BOSTON—(TCA)—U.S. Sen. John Kerry was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital this morning with what doctors are calling "an impacted size 12 Florsheim in his big fat piehole."

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Kerry-Republican-Response

     WASHINGTON—(TCA)—Vice President Dick Cheney reacted angrily to U.S. Sen. John Kerry's explanation that his "botched joke" was actually aimed at the Bush administration.

     "I would remind the senator of the doctrine of 'I'm rubber and you're glue,'" Cheney told an audience at the National Press Club before turning into a bat and flying through an open window.

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Kerry-Hospitalized

     BOSTON—(TCA)—Doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital say they have successfully removed U.S. Sen. John Kerry's shoe from the mouth of the Massachusetts Democrat.

     The senator is said to be "resting comfortably" after a three-hour operation to stitch his mouth shut "at least until after the elections," a hospital spokesman said. Democratic National Committee chair Howard Dean, a physician, performed the surgery.

     Kerry's wife, Teresa, was rushed to an undisclosed Pittsburgh hospital for a similar mouth-sewing operation "strictly as a precautionary measure," a source close to the Kerrys said.

     A report from the Pennsylvania Game Commission said that seven tranquilizer darts were required to subdue Mrs. Kerry.

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Kerry-Apology-Bush

     WEST CHESTER, Pa.—(TCA)—Campaigning for Republican congressional candidates, President Bush said he didn't understand the "botched joke" that U.S. Sen. John Kerry claims he was telling.

     "A joke is like, two guys walk into a bar, or a rabbi, a priest and a traveling salesman are in a boat, something like that," Bush said. "Did you hear the one about the Scotsman and the rabbi who went to lunch together?"

     Bush's campaign appearance here in the Philadelphia suburbs puzzled some observers since none of the candidates the president was campaigning for would agree to appear on the same stage with him.

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Kerry-Santorum

     PENN HILLS, Va.—(TCA)—In a move aimed at healing partisan wounds, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum, a Republican, has sent a "get well" message to his Massachusetts senate colleague, John Kerry, a Democrat.

     "I, myself, have suffered the unpleasant taste of my own shoes on numerous occasions," Santorum said, adding that his doctors believe he may be allergic to "gays, single mothers and TV cameras."

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Kerry-Media-Reax

     NEW YORK—(TCA)—Pundits are "delighted" that U.S. Sen. John Kerry "opened his fat yapper one week before an election."

     "It's much easier to endlessly speculate on a gaffe by a failed presidential candidate than to try and generate substantive coverage on a real issue, like terrorism or the war in wherever," said a CNN spokeswoman.

     Until Kerry's stunningly idiotic comments to an audience of college students in California, executives at Fox News, CNN and MSNBC had privately voiced concern that their reporters and anchors might actually have to do real work.

     An internal CNN memo leaked to a website earlier this month had recommended that the network "kidnap a girl or young woman, preferably white and blonde" during the fourth quarter of 2006.

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Canada-Immigration

     OTTAWA, Canada—(TCA)—Canadian immigration officials report a 130 percent increase in applications from American citizens.

     A deputy minister at Citizenship and Immigration Canada says applications began increasing "at roughly the same time the election ads began running in the (United) States," and expects requests to enter Canada will peak "sometime before Nov. 7."

     The Canadian report comes on the heels of last week's news that Americans are purchasing hot-air balloons at four times the usual rate, hoping to float away before the upcoming midterm congressional elections.

     The massive U.S. retailer Wal-Mart reported last month that sales of shovels and other digging implements had increased as well, as Americans bury their heads in the sand to avoid campaign advertising.

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