Category: default || By jt3y

And now, a message from Connie Loughead, president and CEO of Elrama Airlines:

Dear Elrama Airlines Customers,

We are sorry and embarrassed. Last week was the worst week in Elrama Airlines’ history --- even worse than the aftermath of our ill-fated “Free Homemade Mayonnaise” promotion in 1994.

Words cannot express how truly sorry we are for the need to apologize. We were founded on the promise of bringing low-cost, low-hassle, low-flying airplanes back into the reach of people with low standards, and we failed to live down to those last week.

Many of you were stranded, delayed or left to sit in fetid water for up to 11 hours following the severe ice storms in the Northeast. Many of you had trouble reaching us by telephone as a result of the “Beverly Hillbillies” marathon on TVLand. (Mother assures me that she will leave the phone, or at least the answering machine, plugged in during next month’s “Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.” marathon.)

Although Elrama Airlines cannot prevent severe weather, the crew of Flight 139 should have recognized that some of our passengers have heart conditions or other physical problems, and that it was a bad idea to ask them to shovel the runway at the Greene County Airport. In the future, we will hire local children, or possibly buy a snowblower.

Also, I certainly understand why passengers of Flight 226 from Butler, Pa., to Hagerstown, Md., via Troy, Ohio, became upset when the starboard engine fell off over Parkersburg, W.Va., but the plane involved in that incident was serviced just before takeoff, and our lawyers will be in touch with Boomer’s Amoco in Evans City to make sure that this doesn’t happen again.

And for those of you on board that flight: Screaming at the pilot only made things worse. He was having a hard enough time flying without a fuel gauge or altimeter.

To ensure that our employees are working at peak efficiency, I have eliminated the “Brewmeister” machines from our crew lounges and removed DVD players, iPods, “Easy Bake Ovens” and other distractions from all of our cockpits.

More importantly, I have created the Elrama Airlines Passenger Bill of Rights. You have my guarantee that if your flight is delayed more than three hours, six-ounce cans of pop will be half-price (sorry, discount does not apply to Coca-Cola products). In addition, if your plane fails to reach its destination, we will refund a pro-rated portion of your ticket price to you, or your next of kin.

We worked hard to regain your trust in 2003 when Flight 178 from Bellefonte to St. Mary’s inadvertently took off without a licensed pilot onboard. On the advice of our attorneys, I am authorized to say that we may or may not, within the best of our abilities, and at our option, try to win you back again.

Sincerely Yours,

Conrad “Connie” Loughead
President and CEO
Finleyville-Cayman Islands Aviation LLC
d/b/a Elrama Airlines