Category: default || By jt3y

We called Massey Ferguson, supervisor and roadmaster in Wallboard Township, to find out how his crews were keeping up with the current snowstorm.

"What snowstorm?"

The one raging outside.

"You call one to three inches a snow storm? Son, call me when I can't see the top of the Tribune-Review tube out front."

But plenty of schools cancelled classes today.

"Because of lily-livered school boards who are more afraid of lawsuits than they are of snow. They'll be canceling school because of rain soon. Maybe clouds. Hell, why should the little darlings go to school when it's not nice and sunshiney? But then if you look at the SAT scores in the Mon Valley, school ain't doing some of these punks any good, any how."

The news this morning said that traffic was a nightmare ...

"And that's another thing. TV news people ought to be indicted for 'inciting to riot.' They get on there for two days before the first flake hits the ground and start stirring people up. Every year people complain, but every year 2, 4 and 11 do the exact same thing, trying to scare the old people, who are the ones who watch local TV news. Pretty soon they're lined up five deep at the IGA buying toilet paper and bread. What the hell do these people make with toilet paper and bread, anyway?"

Your feeling, then, is that people in Western Pennsylvania have started overreacting to snow.

"Overreacting? Hell, son, it's Pittsburgh. It snows in Pittsburgh in the wintertime, and until global warming makes my cabin in Deep Creek an ocean-front property, I predict it's gonna snow every winter in Pittsburgh."

I guess you agree with the story that Charlie Deitch and Melissa Meinzer wrote in City Paper a few weeks ago.

"I don't read City Paper. Too many weird ads in the back for 'men seeking women seeking sheep.'"

Well, they interviewed a psychoanalyst who said that Pittsburghers are developing an "irrational" fear of snow called "chionophobia." Another guy from the National Weather Service says that whenever we have a warm December or January, people forget how to deal with normal winter weather.

"I don't need no psychologist to figure out that people are stupid. Cripes, we got people around here who are so dumb, we gotta water 'em twice a week. I got a grandson in college up in Oakland. I go up to Oakland, I see these kids --- college students --- walking around with no boots, no gloves, no hats. College kids are s'posed to be smart. Don't seem too smart to me."

What's your advice for people in Western Pennsylvania who panic in the snow?

"Pull your thumb out of your mouth, put down your baby bottle and stand up straight, for gawd's sake. And if you don't like it, move down to Florida with the rest of the wackos."

. . .

Personal Aside: Confidential to reader JDB ... thanks for the plug, but what the heck are you talking about? Seriously. Based on what I wrote, you some how got the idea that I'm a religious fanatic who hates people with drug addictions. Uh ... what?

Dude, slow down before you wind up walking around Market Square with a sign that says "Bill Coyne is stealing my mail."