Category: default || By jt3y

Today's headline is almost a "Carnac the Magnificent" punchline. "Crab, crab, crab, crab." (Rip! Blows into envelope.) "What are four things likely to be found in Paris Hilton's underpants?" (Ed: "Heigh-yo!")

Sorry, I'm in a crabby mood, so here are a few things that are bugging me, and I'll column as I see 'em:

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Nobody Asked Me, But: Two criminal justice majors from California University of Pennsylvania (aka "Harvard-on-The-Mon") got into an argument Friday night in McMonagle's Pub in downtown California. One of them pulled a gun and plugged the other in the knee.

Naturally, they're both from the Mon-Yough area. (The shooter's from Turtle Creek, the shootee is from Elizabeth.)

If you're a criminal justice major and you shoot one of the other students, I think you should automatically fail, but I could be wrong.

By the way, finals started today at Cal U. Will the prof give the suspect an extension? "Sorry I couldn't take the test, Dr. Smith, but I was on the lam."

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Continuing Decline of Newspapers Dept., Part MXLVII: Love him or hate him, James Lileks is undoubtedly one of the few writers at the Minneapolis Star Tribune who has a national following, largely on the basis of his extensive website, daily online journal, and several books about pop culture. (He happens to be a favorite here at Tube City Omnimedia World Headquarters ... though I don't share his politics, he makes me think.)

Naturally, the Strib has decided to promote Lileks' website and capitalize on his notoriety by recruiting him to help expand its online presence.

Ha ha! No! Because it's a newspaper, you see, and your average newspaper spends a great deal of time shooting off its own toes. Instead of leveraging Lileks' following for the good of the newspaper, as Lileks reports today, the Strib has canceled his daily column and demoted him to a general assignment reporter.

They also say that maybe since he knows something about these Interweb tubes that he can write about "dot-com startups."

("Dot-com startups"? Star Tribune, your table in 1996 is ready.)

Is this a punitive measure, designed to slap down Lileks because he's gotten too big for his britches? Is the Star Tribune, which was recently sold to a venture capitalist, just trying to cut costs and staff? Or are the editors that clueless? Well, it's a newspaper, so pick any two.

The biggest enemy of the newspaper industry is not "Craigslist," alt-weeklies, TV news, or any other influence --- it's newspapers themselves.

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Cat Calling: An Alert Reader who does not want to be named read last week's Almanac about the animal control controversy in Versailles. She works with animals, but would prefer that I not say where, and writes:

(Cats) do not have "rights," especially if they don't have tags. A Pennsylvania dog law exists, but there is no such thing for kitties. And unfortunately, it is legal to euthanize a cat immediately after trapping.

It's also a bad idea for one to allow his or her cat to be an outdoor cat. They can not only be victim to the "dog catcher" (animal control) but also to predators, cars, other cats, and diseases ... not to mention the outcomes if cats are not spayed/neutered.

Yes ... all animals should have tags! I really hope that your readers take your statement to heart if they are one of those folks who feel that animal control will never pick up their animal or that their animal will never get loose or lost.

This reader directs me to the website for Animal Friends. There, you can read about the Animal Friends "tag day" on Friday, May 18, when volunteers will pass out dog license applications in Downtown Pittsburgh.

Incidentally, two friends recently adopted two cats from Animal Friends. They tell me that Animal Friends won't even allow you to adopt cats unless you promise to keep them indoors or on a harness when they're outside.

So get your cat licensed! You'd hate to find out your pussy was poached.

What? Did I say something funny?

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CORRECTION, NOT PERFECTION: The Almanac incorrectly reported that Fallen Timber Shelter in Elizabeth Township was operated by Animal Friends, when even the runts in the litter know that it's run by the Western Pennsylvania Humane Society. The editor has been smacked with a rolled-up newspaper by the Tube City Tiger, and regrets the error.