Category: Mon Valley Miscellany || By

I hadn't been to the flea market at the Wallboard Township Twin Drive-In for several weeks, because I didn't need any moldy 8-track tapes, dirty stuffed animals, out-dated copies of Sports Illustrated, or expired bottles of Tylenol.

But just for something to do, I drove over there this weekend.

To my surprise, I found vendor after vendor selling gas masks of every variety, so I asked one man why they were so popular.

"There's a lot of demand around here," said Joe Fonebone, chewing on a Marsh-Wheeling stogie. "All of a sudden everybody thinks they got methane."

"Oh, yeah, everybody from Versailles comes down here, they want a gas mask," said his neighbor, Mary Potzrebie, whose own table was laden with gas masks, flower pots and mildewed copies of National Geographic.

"Not just Versailles," Fonebone said, "people from 10th Ward and Port Vue, too. They can't stand the stink from the sewage plant."

"I saw the article in the paper," I said. "I guess it gets pretty bad."

"Smells like an earthquake in a graveyard," Potzrebie said.

"And there's always need for gas masks for people who live in Liberty Borough," Fonebone said.

"Because of Clairton mill?" I asked.

"It sure ain't 'cause of the slag pond in Dead Man's Hollow," Potzrebie said. "Of course, some people say the smell is worse on Friday nights during football season. You see, when the wind shifts over Glassport stadium ..."

I quickly cut him off. "What else is selling around McKeesport besides gas masks?" I asked.

"Everything you'd expect," Fonebone said. "Air Wicks. Nose plugs. Spring-loaded clothes pins ..."

"But not maps," Potzrebie said. "People don't need maps. If they smell rotten eggs, they're near Versailles. Fire and brimstone, you must be near Clairton. And if you're near Downtown McKeesport or the 10th Ward, it smells like sh..."

"... surely," I interrupted, "the sewage plant situation is temporary. And the Clairton Works has smelled bad for as long as I can remember. So once the methane scare in Versailles ... um ... blows over, aren't you going to be stuck with a lot of unsold gas masks?"

Mr. Fonebone snorted, pulled another Marsh-Wheeling from his shirt pocket and bit off the end. "I already got a plan if that happens," he said.

"Yeah?" I said.

He nodded and grinned. "Just wait until April. I'll stand out front of PNC Park and sell 'em on opening day."