On New Year's Eve Day (does that seem right, or is it a contradiction in terms?), being a party animal, I went to get a haircut.
When I arrived, a little boy of perhaps 3 years old was sitting on his dad's lap in a barber's chair, wailing. I mean fire siren quality. To accompany the steady high-pitched drone, he was twisting his head out of the barber's grasp and swinging his arms.
The barber was doing his best, but trying to cut the lad's hair was kind of like trying to thread a needle while riding a unicycle on the deck of a coal barge in a heavy storm. He'd clip a few hairs, and the tad would cry, "No NO no NO NO no no no no no no mommy! MOMMY!" He'd start up the clippers and the little boy would scream and try to leap from his father's arms.
Finally, the barber finished --- I wasn't sure if he had decided the kid's hair was trimmed close enough, or if he had just decided to retire --- and told dad, "All done!" Dad released his grip and the boy bolted from the chair, weeping and groaning.
After they departed, one of the customers waiting said, "Boy! I hate to see him when he goes to the dentist for the first time."
The barber leveled his gaze at us --- without a hint of a smile --- and said, "Actually, he's getting better. He's not kicking his feet any more."
I never suspected that barbers deserved hazard pay, but this guy works for his sawbuck.
Happy New Year to you and yours, no matter what you do for your butter 'n egg money!
I apologize. Truly. To all of the people who've sent me Christmas cards (or are those Chrismakwanukah cards?) this year. There's a whole passel of them up on top of the refrigerator right now, and I was touched by all of them. And since I know several of the people who sent them also read this tripe (whether out of pity or morbid curiosity, it's hard to say), I thought I'd just issue a group apology right now.
I meant this year to send Christmas cards out. I really did. Not two feet from the keyboard I'm using to write this Almanac sits two boxes of American Greetings Christmas cards that I purchased in early December, fully planning to send them out. In the upper right drawer of this desk is a book of Christmas stamps.
Has one Christmas card been sent?
No. And the stamps with the old-fashioned Santa Claus ornaments will be used to send payments to the gas company and Duquesne Light for months to come, I'm sure.
It's not that I'm an arrogant jerk. Well, I am, but this isn't necessarily proof. I am hopelessly disorganized, however. And I've never sat down and actually made out a Christmas card list --- compiling names and addresses --- until it's too late to send them. Every year, I make a solemn vow: This year, as Burl Ives is my witness, I will send out Christmas wishes to my friends and family!
And do they go out?
Well, when I moved this summer, I found four boxes of unopened Christmas cards that I had purchased on two previous years, so what do you think the answer is?
Next year, I promise, things will be different. I've been clipping the return addresses off of the cards I've gotten so far and putting them into a basket. That will put me so much farther ahead on making my list, I figure. Ha! How's that for genius?
Anyone want to bet I lose the basket before Russian Orthodox Christmas?
Being off during the day gives me a chance to do many things that I don't otherwise get to do. Like exercising, fixing up things around the house, and donating time to charities.
Oh, hell, who am I kidding? I'm staying up late, sleeping 'til 11 and reading a lot.
Currently, I'm reading a two-volume history of the United States called The Glory and the Dream by William Manchester, which covers the years between the Great Depression and the end of the Vietnam War. I picked up the books --- long out of print --- at the flea market, and it's probably the best $2 I've ever spent.
In fact, I'm enjoying these books more than many books I've paid full list price for. This is great stuff, even if Manchester's ability as a historian has been questioned over the years (particularly in regard to his book on the assassination of JFK). Indeed, there are a couple of glaring factual flubs in The Glory and the Dream, but none that have detracted from my enjoyment of the prose, or of Manchester's analysis of various events. More about that at a later date.
Among other things I've had time to do has been to tune into Lynn Cullen's always enjoyable talk show on WPTT (1360). Hard to believe that I've been listening to her for nearly 20 years, and I'm not sure she would want to be reminded of it, either.
While I tend to agree with Lynn politically, I enjoy her program more when she's not talking politics. Yesterday, she spent the last hour of the program talking to callers about words that they habitually mispronounced before being corrected. One caller, a retired telephone operator, recalled trying to place a long-distance call for someone to Tuscan. It took several minutes before someone figured out that she was trying to put the call through to Tucson. Someone else reported trying to take a trip to "Yosa-mite" National Park.
Another caller reported that until her teens, she thought that the condition that left someone feeling nervous and uneasy was pronounced "an-EX-it-ee." That's enough to leave one feeling anxious.
It reminded me that years ago, when parking Downtown in Our Fair City was still at a premium, that cars along part of Market Street between Fifth and Sixth avenues were required to park on a diagonal against the curb.
And a relative, who shall remain nameless, spotted the sign in front of Immanuel United Presbyterian Church and said, "Look! Isn't that cute! It says 'Angel Parking Only.'"
You guessed it. It actually said angle parking.
When I was a little tad, I can recall insisting that the name of the big car dealer out on Eden Park Boulevard, where my dad purchased his Impala hardtop, was pronounced Dever-ROCKS. Sacrebleu! Obviously, I wasn't paying close attention to the jingles that ran on the radio: "Get a Chevie from Devie, Dever-ROW Chevrolet!"
And why shouldn't a car named for a French guy have been sold by a guy with a French name like "Deveraux"?
So, as angle-ic choirs sing out above Tuscan, Arizona; Yosamite; and all of the other parts of the world, let us remember the words of our President, who says: "And so during these holiday seasons, we thank our blessings."
Indeed. God help us ... er, I mean, bless us, every one!
So I ran out of windshield-washer fluid for the sleek, gray Mercury, and didn't have time to get to the auto parts store. Well, what's washer fluid but Windex, right? Or so I thought. And I tossed a bottle of Windex (actually, the Austin's equivalent) in the car, and when the windshield became too dirty to see through, I simply spritzed it with the window cleaner and turned on the wipers.
Pretty clever, eh? At least I thought it was, for a day or two.
Except that the leading ingredient in most household window cleaners is ammonia, and eventually, the ammonia ran down into the fresh-air vents under the windshield. Which means every time I turned on the heater, the inside of the car smelled like ... well ... cat whiz.
So, I washed the car today. Also, I went to the hardware store and got some windshield washer fluid.
Now, aren't you glad you bookmarked this site?
I thought not.
In the News, Celanie Polanick writes that Allegheny County is considering the construction of skateboarding areas at Boyce Park in Monroeville and at North and South parks:
The 15,000-square-foot facility in South Park will contain ramps, curbs, bowls and boxes. It is slated to be built near a heavily traveled foot path, picnic shelters, a large paved play area, playgrounds and a parking lot, and will be visible from Corrigan Drive. No major environmental changes are expected to take place when changes are implemented, the plan states.
The two other facilities will be of similar size, and all will be built with space around them for possible expansion if they're successful, Baechle said. Financial backing has already been secured through the Pennsylvania Department of Conservation and Natural Resources, Allegheny County Health Department and the Regional Asset District and capital budget rollovers, but the plans are still in the design phase, and there's a lot of red tape still to cut, Baechle said.
I wish this plan rots of ruck, but some how, I doubt that skateboarders are going to be willing to travel out to South Park to shred.
Celanie writes that small boroughs and townships are often concerned about providing designated skateboarding areas for fear that if someone is injured, the municipality will be held liable. One business owner in Elizabeth Borough is advocating the construction of a skate park there, if the money can be raised.
She quotes the 12-year-old son of borough council, who says he's been "kicked out of some places, but he and his friends try not to trespass."
"I think the skateboarders get a bad rap because they sometimes have long hair and jeans and the defiant attitude of an extreme sport," his father tells the News. "I think 50 to 70 percent of them are misunderstood."
Actually, that's not the reason why. The reason that people are hostile toward skateboarders is that they do cause property damage, particularly to curbs and walls. I noticed that my employer recently installed metal clips every few feet on the edges of all of the outside stairwells, curbs, flower boxes and low walls around several buildings to discourage skateboarders from riding along the edges of them. Skateboard trucks dig into the edges, leaving ugly gashes and scars; I've seen several buildings where marble steps or walls have suffered serious damage.
Having come out against tagging a few months ago, I realize I'm an old fart, but there's nothing here that's "misunderstood." Too many skateboarders --- maybe a minority, but a noticeable number --- cause expensive property damage while riding.
(And by the way, watch for upcoming installments of the Almanac in which I complain about the kids with all their hippity-hop music, Frisbees that land in my yard, and the people of Whoville.)
Again, I wish the county and Elizabeth Borough success, and I hope they do create safe places for people to skateboard.
I just doubt that it's going to cut down on the property damage, or that people are going to use them; as the mayor points out in Polanick's story, Elizabeth did create a skateboarding area in the borough's riverfront park, only to find out that kids weren't using it, "because it didn't afford the kids the opportunity to show off their skills in public."
Actually, I'm not completely slacking. But the weekend was a blur, and I didn't have the time Sunday to blow an Almanac entry out of my ... I mean, to finely craft the kind of high-quality Almanac rantings to which you, the loyal reader, have become accustomed.
Just one quick note today: Last week, I made several references to Christmakwanukah --- the attempt to shmear together Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. (And a tip of the Tube City hard hat to Alycia, who first gave me the idea.
Well, William Randolph Hearst said that "truth is not only stranger than fiction, it's much more popular." I was astonished to pick up Thursday's Valley Mirror, Christmakwanukah isn't as far-fetched as it sounds. Greeting card companies are marketing Chrismukkah cards.
The Associated Press had more on the story (via the Akron Beacon-Journal):
Every December, Zack Rudman and his wife used to send out nonsectarian cards with winter scenes and generic holiday greetings.
Now, the Kansas City lawyer has found a line of cards more suited to a Jewish man and an Episcopal woman with two young children as familiar with the menorah as with a manger scene.
These cards proclaim: ``Merry Chrismukkah!''
Christmas and Hanukkah, two holidays that seem to share little more than a calendar page, are being melded on greeting cards aimed at the country's estimated 2.5 million families with both Jewish and Christian members.
``It's representative of the way people live and the way they spend the holidays,'' said Elise Okrend, an owner of MixedBlessing, a Raleigh, N.C., card company devoted to interfaith holiday greetings. ``And it's an expression of people understanding the people around them.''
MixedBlessing came out with holiday cards intended for Jewish-Christian families about 15 years ago and may be the only company focusing entirely on that market segment.
In its first year, it sold about 3,000 cards. This year, Okrend projects sales of 200,000 off its 55-card line.
Hallmark Cards Inc. says one of its most popular categories of Hanukkah cards combined Jewish and Christian themes. ... American Greetings Corp. had about 10 Hanukkah-Christmas lines this year.
Still, that's not the best blended display of holiday wishes I've seen so far this year. I passed a house in Port Vue this weekend that featured a giant lighted Nativity scene in the front yard. And instead of wise men, Santa and the reindeer were visiting.
Umm, he's "Saint Nicholas," right? Which means that he couldn't actually have been a saint before the birth of Christ, right?
That grinding sound you hear is a paradigm shifting without a clutch.
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