Things I found on the Internet while looking for other things:
During my mediocre career as a newspaper reporter, I had many occasions to deal with local police departments. And now that he's retired, there's no chance (I don't think) of being accused of a conflict of interest by saying that I enjoyed dealing with Chuck Henaghan, the former police chief in North Huntingdon Township.
That's not to say that he always answered my questions --- because he didn't. Or that I always asked reasonable questions --- because I didn't. Yet that's the give-and-take between the government and the "free press" in the U.S. that you expect, and Chief Henaghan was always professional about it. Plus he never lied to me. You might say, "big deal," but, believe me, it is.
I'd like to think that the respect was mutual. When I told him that I was leaving the newspaper business, Chief Henaghan said, and I quote: "That's too bad. You were one of the few reporters I deal with who wasn't a pain in the ass."
I'm going to use that on my tombstone.
And, he tells great stories, like the ones he told Norm Vargo in a profile for the Post-Gazette:
"Just two weeks on the job, and there I was raiding the Pagans," recalled Henaghan, who retired Jan. 3 after 35 years on the township force, the past 14 as chief. "I was at the Mason Apartments on Route 30. Sgt. Frank Baker tossed me a shotgun and told me to go around the back of the building and hide. If anyone ran out, I was supposed to stop them. I remember thinking, 'Stop a Pagan? Me? How? Do I shoot 'em. trip 'em, or what?'"
You'll have to read the story to see what happened next. Happy retirement, Chief.
...
Speaking of Norm Vargo, have I mentioned he's got a book out? Shame on me.
It's a great little paperback called Stadium Stories: Pittsburgh Steelers, and it collects some of Vargo's favorite behind-the-scenes tales of covering the Steelers from the bad old days before Chuck Noll became coach, right through the present day.
Vargo, of course, is the former sports editor of the Daily News and a heck of a nice guy. The book's a quick read, and the price is right (less than $9).
...
Also from North Huntingdon comes word via Craig Smith in the Tribune-Review that the old Murphy's Mart near the Turnpike is about to be bulldozed to make way for a Target.
Meanwhile, Mark Belko reports in the P-G that the Downtown Pittsburgh G.C. Murphy store would likely be turned into housing under the latest redevelopment plan.
Sic transit gloria Murphy's?
...
For Christmas, an old friend gave me a copy of Berke Breathed's Opus, a collection of Sunday comic strips featuring the eponymous penguin from "Bloom County," "Outland" and "Opus." I was a big "Bloom County" fan, and was curious to see how the strips held up. Quite well, in fact. Better than Breathed's newer stuff, unfortunately.
In a related matter, I stumbled over this webpage devoted to "Bloom County"'s fictional Banana Jr. computer. Maybe you have to be a fan of the comic strip to appreciate it, but I found it funny.
The rest of the site is worth a look, too. It has screen captures and information about various early personal computers with desktop-style operating systems --- "GUIs," or "graphical user interfaces," in other words.
...
To Do This Weekend: Other than shoveling snow? ... "Acoustic Mayhem" plays on Saturday night at Perrone's Ristorante, 13380 Lincoln Way, North Huntingdon. Call (724) 863-1900. ... the Pittsburgh Jitter-Bug Club hosts the Al Lewis Orchestra (presumably not led by Grandpa Munster) at The Palisades, Fifth Avenue at Water Street, Our Fair City, at 9 p.m. Saturday. Tickets are $15 per couple or $8 a person. Call (412) 678-6979.
From the Tube City Almanac's national affairs desk, there's great news for Senator Yawn Kerry. Just off of a triumphant tour of Iraq, where soldiers and Marines greeted him with loud applause, Kerry is getting good notices from Democrats for his grilling of Condoleezza Rice during her Senate confirmation hearings.
Meanwhile, there's new trouble for President Bush. Fifty-six percent of Americans say the country has "gone off the track"; 60 percent say they wouldn't put their own Social Security money into the stock market; and about two-thirds think that the United States is going to have a larger budget deficit in four years. And only 39 percent of the country agrees the war in Iraq was a good idea.
Yes, it seems like Kerry's presidential campaign is finally hitting its peak.
OK, so there's also some bad news for Kerry.
What exactly is Kerry trying to accomplish? Does he think he's setting up a government in exile? Or maybe he thinks he's the minority leader of the loyal opposition, and he's going to appoint a "shadow cabinet," like they do in Britain.
Well, I've got a shocking update for him: He may be a Tory, but this isn't the House of Commons. And if he wants to set up a government in exile, he needs to leave the country.
Preferably for an island.
With no phones, TV studios or Internet access.
Maybe Kerry is gearing up for a run in 2008. If so, this could be the longest presidential primary in history --- and he'd best remember that there's a lot that can happen in three years. Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew were re-elected in a landslide in 1972; less than two years later, Agnew was a convicted felon* and Nixon had resigned in disgrace.
... not that I'm saying that such a thing is likely for George W. Bush (though I do get all tingly just thinking it).
In any event, Kerry should not assume that he's the presumptive nominee in 2008. In fact, having flown his campaign into the side of a mountain in 2004, I'd hope, for the Democratic Party's sake, that he doesn't get the nomination in 2008. (Of course, they did nominate him in the first place, so how smart are they?)
I had another thought. Namely, that it's possible that Kerry thinks Inauguration Day is something like the Academy Awards.
I can see it now: Chief Justice William Rehnquist steps up to the podium today and reads from his card. "And the nominees for President of the United States are: George W. Bush, 'Texas.' John F. Kerry, 'Massachusetts.' Michael Bednarik, 'Texas.' Ralph Nader, 'District of Columbia.'"
Rehnquist tears open an envelope: "And the winner is ... John F. Kerry, 'Massachusetts'!"
The Marine Band strikes up "All Hail To Massachusetts" as Kerry walks to the reviewing stand, wearing a tuxedo. The cameras catch George and Laura Bush, smiling through tight lips and applauding. Rehnquist shakes Kerry's hand as a beautiful woman in a gown presents him with a gold-plated gavel.
And then 21 pigs fly over the U.S. Capitol in formation.
This is not to say that Kerry should necessarily drop off of the face of the Earth, like Michael Dukakis and Walter Mondale did. Barry Goldwater was shellacked in 1964, but had a long and distinguished career in the Senate. Nixon narrowly lost in 1960 and was humiliated in the California gubernatorial race in 1962, only to stage a triumphant comeback.
But at least both Nixon and Goldwater allowed their opponents to have their moments in the spotlight before they re-emerged onto the national scene. Kerry keeps acting as if Nov. 2 never happened. As Jonathan Potts puts it, "he is quickly growing tiresome in defeat."
More to the point, the time to show your leadership, Senator Kerry, was in August, September and October. There's no point rushing to the pier after the boat has left the harbor.
In the words of the old song: How can we miss you, if you won't go away?
...
Tim Rowland's column in the Hagerstown, Md., Herald-Mail about a streaker at Wal-Mart is one of the funniest things I've read in a newspaper in a long time. Unfortunately, you need to pay to read it on the H-M's website, but thanks to Google's cache, it's still available for a little while:
The call came across the police scanner on Tuesday, and the astonishment in the dispatcher's voice wasn't dry yet, when people were coming up right and left saying, "Hey, you'll want to hear this, there's a streaker at Wal-Mart."
Then came the cell phone calls. There must have been people in the parking lot agonizing over which number to punch in first, 911 or 5131.
Let me ask you something, why do you think I would care? What is there about some textile-challenged dude outside of a discount store that makes you think of me?
Is that all I am to you? Some doofus who traffics in lowbrow circumstance, who swims among the lowest common denominator of human existence feeding off the scraps of humanity's bottomless chum bucket?
Well, let me tell yoouuu something. I have feelings, too. I have an intellect. I have more to offer than rube commentary on a surplus of skin. All my life I have struggled to succeed. I have toiled at the wheel of journalistic ethos, logic and wisdom. And do I get any credit for this? Oh, no. All I get is, "Hey, better call Tim because there's a streaker at Wal-Mart."
I don't want to reprint the whole thing --- not the least of all because it's a copyright violation --- but it gets funnier and funnier:
By the way, too bad the guy --- who calmly dropped his pants at one end of the shopping center and strolled to the other --- didn't make it as far as the greeters, don't you think? That would have been cool. "Good morning and welcome to Wa..." and about that time the bifocals come into focus and, "...EEEEEK!" Best they could do was let him in and steer him to the aisle where they keep the underpants.
I loved the police quote, that the man appeared "lucid, at points." Which points? When he was naked in front of Pier 1 or when he was naked in front of Circuit City? Hopefully, he didn't do any window shopping; that's the last image you want to see pressed up against the plate glass.
...
Closer to home, the Daily News' Pat Cloonan had an interview this week with that "little nurse from Elizabeth," as she was famously dismissed by all-but-forgotten Allegheny County commissioner Dr. William Hunt of White Oak. Barbara Hafer is out of public office for the first time since 1984, but according to Cloonan, she hasn't yet ruled out a bid for the Democratic nomination to the U.S. Senate in 2006.
* --- Correction, Not Perfection: I originally wrote that Spiro Agnew went to jail; of course, he pleaded "nolo contendere" to charges of income tax evasion, thus avoiding jail time. He was placed on probation instead. (Go back.)
The TV newscast I'd like to see tonight:
ANCHOR: And the big story tonight, of course, it's the snow. NewsCenter 17's Barb Blowdryer is out at the Parkway East right now with ActionCam 17. Barb, how's it look out there?
BARB (she's wearing a scarf wrapped around her perky hairdo): What the hell do you think it looks like, you moron? The snow was 11 hours ago. Get a clue.
ANCHOR: Er ... um ... things are lot better than they were for this morning's rush, aren't they?
BARB (talking in a dumb guy voice): Duh, gee whiz, I guess dey are, ah yep yep yep. (Talking normally.) You're a real ass, you know that? I should have listened to my mother and gone to law school ... (picture abruptly goes black)
ANCHOR: Obviously some technical difficulties right now, thanks for that report Barb. NewsCenter 17's Will Uplink was out on the area roadways this morning, and he's standing by right now with the ActionCam on Green Tree Hill. What did it look like this morning, Will?
WILL: Take a look at this video we shot this morning right here on Green Tree Hill.
WILL (on tape, it's daylight, and he's sticking his microphone into the window of a stopped SUV): How long have you been out here?
DRIVER: Oh, about an hour, maybe 90 minutes. It was terrible. It took me a half-hour just to get to the end of my street.
WILL: Did you think then that maybe you should have turned around?
DRIVER (laughing): Oh, yeah, but no, I had to get somewhere today. I promised I'd go to Wal-Mart.
WILL: That makes you kind of a stupid jackass, doesn't it?
DRIVER (stops laughing): How's that?
WILL: Well, if it took you a half-hour to get to the end of your street, then you had to assume that everything else was (bleeped) up also. So only a complete stupid jackass would keep driving, right?
DRIVER (winding up window): Hey, (bleep) you, OK, (bleep)?
WILL (live again): As you can see, we had a lot of stupid jackasses on the roads this morning who didn't have to be anywhere, and once you add in the people who can't drive, there were a lot of problems this morning. Reporting live with from Green Tree Hill, I'm Will Uplink, NewsCenter 17.
ANCHOR (looks pale, but recovers): Um, thanks, Will. Well, let's go over to WeatherCenter 17 and ask meteorologist Burt Doppler. Burt, what exactly did we see this morning?
BURT (sitting in front of a bank of computers): Snow. Are you blind? It snowed. It was cold, and then it snowed. Wow! What a concept! Tonight? Maybe more snow. How much? We'll find out when we get it. I'll have a silly-ass guess about your WeatherCenter 17 five-day forecast in a few minutes.
ANCHOR (now sweating visibly): And with SportsCenter 17, here's Andy Yardlines. Andy! Big Steeler game coming up this weekend. Are the Steelers getting ready?
ANDY: No, they're sitting around watching porn and eating nachos.
ANCHOR(tries to laugh): Ha! Ha! Right. So how are they getting ready?
ANDY: What the (bleep) kind of an asinine question is that? They're practicing, you clown.
ANCHOR (slips a finger under his shirt collar): Erm ... um ... any predictions?
ANDY: I'll predict that Sunday night, the Steelers and the Patriots will play football at Heinz Field. (Theme music swells in background.)
ANCHOR: Coming up next. Are your children being exposed to harmful chemicals at school? Our NewsCenter 17 consumer reporter Yolanda Barcode has the answer.
YOLANDA (off mike, shouting): No!
(Fade to black.)
You know Ed, it was pretty cold today.
(How cold was it?)
Well, Ed, it was so cold that I saw a politician on Grant Street with his hands in his own pockets.
It's so cold that I saw a guy at CoGo's dumping ice cubes down his trousers to warm up.
And that's not even the worst problem Colteryahn's is having; their cows are giving soft-serve ice cream. But I wouldn't eat the chocolate.
It's so cold that the flame at the top of the smokestack at the Irvin Works is frozen solid.
It's so cold I saw someone warming their hands on a witch's ... um ... hat.
It's so cold a kid licked someone coming out of the Polish National Alliance, and his tongue stayed there.
(That's a joke grenade. It takes a while to go off.)
It's so cold that the DPW is out at Renzie Park, feeding hot sauce to the ducks at Lake Emilie to keep them from freezing to the water.
It's so cold that people in Downtown Pittsburgh are buying hot pretzels just to scrape off the salt and throw it on the sidewalks.
It's so cold that the hearts of two state legislators just melted.
It's so cold that the Port Authority has decided to privatize its transit routes --- and they gave the contract to Seven Springs.
It's so cold that the polar bears at the Pittsburgh Zoo have asked to be traded to the Phoenix Zoo for two penguins and a seal to be named later.
It's so cold that two Penguins have also asked to be traded to Phoenix.
In fact, it's so cold that the National Hockey League has cancelled all of its games on account of cold weather. Oh, wait, never mind.
But it is so cold that you can ice the pucks while they're on the shelves at Natale's.
It's so cold that for 99 cents, Sam's Hot Dogs will line your pockets with hot chili and onions.
It's so cold that White Oak has renamed "Foster Road" as "Defroster Road," while "Cool Spring Road" is now know as "Damned Cold Spring Road." Lincoln Way, meantime, is being called "Frozen Booger Boulevard," for no apparent reason.
It's so cold that States Tire is selling snow tires made from real snow.
It's so cold that ER doctors at UPMC McKeesport have just issued the following warning to high school boys: Do not attempt to write your name in the snow if your name is "Theophilus Jehosaphat Morganfield."
It's so cold that I've run this idea firmly into the ground. Anyone want to contribute their own "it's so cold" ideas? Click on the comment link, but keep 'em PG-rated.
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