Category: default || By jt3y

The TV newscast I'd like to see tonight:

ANCHOR: And the big story tonight, of course, it's the snow. NewsCenter 17's Barb Blowdryer is out at the Parkway East right now with ActionCam 17. Barb, how's it look out there?

BARB (she's wearing a scarf wrapped around her perky hairdo): What the hell do you think it looks like, you moron? The snow was 11 hours ago. Get a clue.

ANCHOR: Er ... um ... things are lot better than they were for this morning's rush, aren't they?

BARB (talking in a dumb guy voice): Duh, gee whiz, I guess dey are, ah yep yep yep. (Talking normally.) You're a real ass, you know that? I should have listened to my mother and gone to law school ... (picture abruptly goes black)

ANCHOR: Obviously some technical difficulties right now, thanks for that report Barb. NewsCenter 17's Will Uplink was out on the area roadways this morning, and he's standing by right now with the ActionCam on Green Tree Hill. What did it look like this morning, Will?

WILL: Take a look at this video we shot this morning right here on Green Tree Hill.

WILL (on tape, it's daylight, and he's sticking his microphone into the window of a stopped SUV): How long have you been out here?

DRIVER: Oh, about an hour, maybe 90 minutes. It was terrible. It took me a half-hour just to get to the end of my street.

WILL: Did you think then that maybe you should have turned around?

DRIVER (laughing): Oh, yeah, but no, I had to get somewhere today. I promised I'd go to Wal-Mart.

WILL: That makes you kind of a stupid jackass, doesn't it?

DRIVER (stops laughing): How's that?

WILL: Well, if it took you a half-hour to get to the end of your street, then you had to assume that everything else was (bleeped) up also. So only a complete stupid jackass would keep driving, right?

DRIVER (winding up window): Hey, (bleep) you, OK, (bleep)?

WILL (live again): As you can see, we had a lot of stupid jackasses on the roads this morning who didn't have to be anywhere, and once you add in the people who can't drive, there were a lot of problems this morning. Reporting live with from Green Tree Hill, I'm Will Uplink, NewsCenter 17.

ANCHOR (looks pale, but recovers): Um, thanks, Will. Well, let's go over to WeatherCenter 17 and ask meteorologist Burt Doppler. Burt, what exactly did we see this morning?

BURT (sitting in front of a bank of computers): Snow. Are you blind? It snowed. It was cold, and then it snowed. Wow! What a concept! Tonight? Maybe more snow. How much? We'll find out when we get it. I'll have a silly-ass guess about your WeatherCenter 17 five-day forecast in a few minutes.

ANCHOR (now sweating visibly): And with SportsCenter 17, here's Andy Yardlines. Andy! Big Steeler game coming up this weekend. Are the Steelers getting ready?

ANDY: No, they're sitting around watching porn and eating nachos.

ANCHOR(tries to laugh): Ha! Ha! Right. So how are they getting ready?

ANDY: What the (bleep) kind of an asinine question is that? They're practicing, you clown.

ANCHOR (slips a finger under his shirt collar): Erm ... um ... any predictions?

ANDY: I'll predict that Sunday night, the Steelers and the Patriots will play football at Heinz Field. (Theme music swells in background.)

ANCHOR: Coming up next. Are your children being exposed to harmful chemicals at school? Our NewsCenter 17 consumer reporter Yolanda Barcode has the answer.

YOLANDA (off mike, shouting): No!

(Fade to black.)