I read two timely and thought provoking editorials yesterday; one in the New Pittsburgh Courier, the other in the Daily News.
First, the Courier, which made its election endorsements: Ed Rendell for Governor and Rick Santorum --- yes, that Rick Santorum --- for Senate:
Certainly we recognize that Lynn Swann at the top of the Republican ticket represents an historic first. The opportunity to vote for a Black man at the head of a major party ticket in Pennsylvania has never before presented itself.
But from what we have seen of Swann, he is simply not up to the task of running a state as varied as Pennsylvania. Neither does he display the kind of political acuity that we feel is necessary to wade through the deep political water that flows freely in Harrisburg.
Swann almost dismisses the fact that politicians in Harrisburg will not do his bidding simply because he says so. We do think that Swann has potential, and he has been a winner in all of his other pursuits. But in this race, Ed Rendell is the best man.
In the U.S. Senate race between incumbent Republican Rick Santorum and State Treasurer Bob Casey, we have an interesting dilemma. In Santorum, we have a politician who complains that his message isn’t reaching Black voters, and in Casey, we have a politician who hasn’t even tried.
While some would say, “anybody but Santorum,” in this race, it has come down to “nobody and Santorum” ...
We wish we were hearing counter arguments from Bob Casey. We wish that he would send a message to the Black community detailing where he’s been and what he’s done and why he should get the vote, especially in what is turning out to be a very close election.
But we have heard next to nothing from Casey, and because of that, we cannot endorse him. Though we are quite concerned that Santorum has been the poster child for a wing of the Republican Party that has been anathema to Blacks, we endorse Rick Santorum in this race.
"Senator, do you regret saying the remark?" asked an unnamed reporter. "And what were you trying to say?"
"Very simple: That those who didn't study it properly, those who made the decisions, they got us into Iraq," Kerry answered. However, Kerry went on to say, "we're not going to let them change the topic."
Spoken like one closing the barn door after the horse ran out.
Sadly, the losers in all this are the voters. This is one more moment of inanity in a silly season featuring inanities from all sides.
Obscured amid his faux pas is a point Kerry made in Seattle: "We have the finest young men and women serving us in the United States military ... but this administration has let them down."
Ultimately, voters will decide if Kerry, or Bush, is right.
Kerry-Apology
BOSTON—(TCA)—U.S. Sen. John Kerry has apologized if "any servicemen or women are unable to take a joke."
(more)
Kerry-Apology-1st Writethru
BOSTON—(TCA)—U.S. Sen. John Kerry has clarified his earlier apology, saying that he "did not intend to imply that America's fighting men and women were dumber than the president of the United X-X-X-X-X-X
BULLETIN PRECEDE
Kerry-Apology
(Eds: Kill all preceding stories)
BOSTON—(TCA)—U.S. Sen. John Kerry was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital this morning with what doctors are calling "an impacted size 12 Florsheim in his big fat piehole."
(More)
Kerry-Republican-Response
WASHINGTON—(TCA)—Vice President Dick Cheney reacted angrily to U.S. Sen. John Kerry's explanation that his "botched joke" was actually aimed at the Bush administration.
"I would remind the senator of the doctrine of 'I'm rubber and you're glue,'" Cheney told an audience at the National Press Club before turning into a bat and flying through an open window.
(More)
Kerry-Hospitalized
BOSTON—(TCA)—Doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital say they have successfully removed U.S. Sen. John Kerry's shoe from the mouth of the Massachusetts Democrat.
The senator is said to be "resting comfortably" after a three-hour operation to stitch his mouth shut "at least until after the elections," a hospital spokesman said. Democratic National Committee chair Howard Dean, a physician, performed the surgery.
Kerry's wife, Teresa, was rushed to an undisclosed Pittsburgh hospital for a similar mouth-sewing operation "strictly as a precautionary measure," a source close to the Kerrys said.
A report from the Pennsylvania Game Commission said that seven tranquilizer darts were required to subdue Mrs. Kerry.
(More)
Kerry-Apology-Bush
WEST CHESTER, Pa.—(TCA)—Campaigning for Republican congressional candidates, President Bush said he didn't understand the "botched joke" that U.S. Sen. John Kerry claims he was telling.
"A joke is like, two guys walk into a bar, or a rabbi, a priest and a traveling salesman are in a boat, something like that," Bush said. "Did you hear the one about the Scotsman and the rabbi who went to lunch together?"
Bush's campaign appearance here in the Philadelphia suburbs puzzled some observers since none of the candidates the president was campaigning for would agree to appear on the same stage with him.
(More)
Kerry-Santorum
PENN HILLS, Va.—(TCA)—In a move aimed at healing partisan wounds, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum, a Republican, has sent a "get well" message to his Massachusetts senate colleague, John Kerry, a Democrat.
"I, myself, have suffered the unpleasant taste of my own shoes on numerous occasions," Santorum said, adding that his doctors believe he may be allergic to "gays, single mothers and TV cameras."
(More)
Kerry-Media-Reax
NEW YORK—(TCA)—Pundits are "delighted" that U.S. Sen. John Kerry "opened his fat yapper one week before an election."
"It's much easier to endlessly speculate on a gaffe by a failed presidential candidate than to try and generate substantive coverage on a real issue, like terrorism or the war in wherever," said a CNN spokeswoman.
Until Kerry's stunningly idiotic comments to an audience of college students in California, executives at Fox News, CNN and MSNBC had privately voiced concern that their reporters and anchors might actually have to do real work.
An internal CNN memo leaked to a website earlier this month had recommended that the network "kidnap a girl or young woman, preferably white and blonde" during the fourth quarter of 2006.
(More)
Canada-Immigration
OTTAWA, Canada—(TCA)—Canadian immigration officials report a 130 percent increase in applications from American citizens.
A deputy minister at Citizenship and Immigration Canada says applications began increasing "at roughly the same time the election ads began running in the (United) States," and expects requests to enter Canada will peak "sometime before Nov. 7."
The Canadian report comes on the heels of last week's news that Americans are purchasing hot-air balloons at four times the usual rate, hoping to float away before the upcoming midterm congressional elections.
The massive U.S. retailer Wal-Mart reported last month that sales of shovels and other digging implements had increased as well, as Americans bury their heads in the sand to avoid campaign advertising.
(More to come)
A friend swears that this is true.
He says that once, on "Chiller Theater," Channel 11's notorious Saturday late-night horror movie show, the film was so bad that host "Chilly Billy" Cardille spent all of the station breaks apologizing for it. At one point, he showed the audience the preview reel the station had received: "See? From the trailer it didn't look this bad."
I have no idea whether Pittsburgh-born comedian, actor and writer Joe Flaherty saw that particular episode of "Chiller Theater," but I have a hunch he might have.
In any event, that same on-air desperation was a key part of the character of "Count Floyd," the horror movie host portrayed by Flaherty on "SCTV."
It's no secret that "Count Floyd" was based in part on Cardille; Flaherty has been quoted as saying that "Chiller Theater" was one of his inspirations. One of Flaherty's colleagues on the Canadian sketch-comedy show said that his ideas for TV parodies were born when he was growing up in Pittsburgh, watching self-important "show-business frauds" make fools of themselves.
Well, I don't think anyone considers Cardille a "show-business fraud" --- he has a reputation as a being a pretty nice guy --- and the keys to the popularity of "Chiller Theater" were that no one was taking it seriously, least of all Cardille, so that the audience was always in on the joke.
But on "SCTV," Count Floyd's "Monster Chiller Horror Theater" was deadly serious business, no pun intended. For one thing, Floyd deeply resented hosting a kiddie show --- under the bad vampire makeup, he was Floyd Robertson, co-anchor of the SCTV News.
For another, the station invariably booked either terrible films ("Dr. Tongue's 3-D House of Stewardesses") or the wrong films (at one point, Floyd was stuck introducing an Ingmar Bergman film, in Swedish with English subtitles).
Floyd inevitably found out about the mistakes after the film was on the air, leaving him to first try to convince the viewers at home that the movie was better than it appeared, and then apologizing profusely, practically begging the audience to tune in again.
One of the greatest things about "SCTV" was its ability to layer comedy on comedy on comedy. In later episodes, Floyd, frustrated with being stuck at this low-budget, bottom-feeding TV station, became a raging alcoholic, finally appearing on the evening news bombed out of his mind.
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I don't know why you haven't heard about this yet, but I assume it will make the papers soon.
I stopped at my local grocery store (Almanac readers know it as "The House of Rancid Lunchmeat") the other night on my way home from work. It was only a few minutes toward closing time and the place was almost empty.
I just needed a few things, so I grabbed one of those plastic baskets and started getting the bare essentials --- bread, milk, cookies --- but I pulled up short as I entered one aisle.
There was a man with a butcher knife, slashing open the boxes.
For a second I thought he worked there, but only for a second, because as I watched, he stabbed one of the boxes on the shelf, spilling the contents everywhere. He didn't see me, so I ducked back around the end-cap and peeked through and saw him stab another box, and then another.
Quietly as I could, I went up to the little office at the front and told the clerk what I saw. She picked up the phone to call the cops, and then asked me something that really chilled me ... could I keep an eye on him until the cops got there? She didn't want him to get away.
I didn't want her to think I was a chicken, so I said OK, and I very carefully went back to the aisle and spied on the guy with the knife --- by now, he had slashed a couple of dozen boxes open, and the floor was a mess.
Bless their hearts, two borough cops showed up within a couple of minutes (it seemed like hours). Hands on their pistols, they approached him from opposite ends of the aisle, and before he knew it, they had him in custody.
Thank God no one was hurt.
The cops asked me to stick around as they made out their report, and the worst was yet to come.
They called the guy's name and address into the 911 center, and it turns out he was a wanted man.
In fact ...
...
...
...
... he's a cereal killer.
(Ya-da-ya-da-ya-tah, ya-da-ya-da-ya-tah, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da-boom-boom-boom!)
Anyway, Happy Halloween. I have a very special treat for you tonight --- check back after 6 p.m.
And thank you to the waitress at the Denny's on Lebanon Church Road who first told me that joke. I laughed so hard that the booth I was sitting in is probably still wet.
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