Category: Commentary/Editorial, Satire || By

Cluttered items from an empty mind...

. . .

Statewide turnout in Tuesday's Pennsylvania primary averaged 15 to 20 percent, according to the Associated Press and several newspaper accounts.

There were 8.7 million registered voters in Pennsylvania as of last year. That means fewer than 2 million people voted this week.

Meanwhile, the Pennsylvania Lottery sells about 3.8 million $1 lottery tickets every day.

The odds of getting all three digits in the Daily Number in the right order are 1,000 to 1.*

Pennsylvania voters apparently prefer those odds to the chance of nominating the right candidate to school board.

. . .

The lines at the voting booth were certainly shorter than the ones at the lottery machines.

When I voted at about 7 p.m. on Tuesday, only 100 people had signed in ahead of me.

I haven't seen demand so weak since that vendor at Eastland Mall was offering while-you-wait vasectomies.

. . .

West Mifflin voters, showing their usual sense of humor, turned out two incumbent council members, but kept Richard Olasz Sr.

That's good news. Council meetings will continue to be entertaining for the next four years.

West Mifflin should sell tickets for admission. They'd make a killing. But would they collect the amusement tax correctly?

. . .

In North Versailles Township Ward 1, East Allegheny school director Bill Gates has been nominated for re-election.

I don't know him, but when a guy named Bill Gates wins an election, you have to wonder about the reliability of computerized voting machines.

Mr. Gates' opponents are hoping that someone named Steve Jobs moves into the district. He'll promise to create a school system that's more expensive, but smaller and less prone to freezing.

. . .

Speaking of touch-screen voting machines, I'm still not used to them. I miss the old-fashioned lever machines. When you pressed that big red button and heard the gears grinding, by God, you knew you had voted.

Now, I feel like I'm at Sheetz, ordering a hoagie. When I got to "district magistrate," I wrote in "extra pickles."

. . .

I'm glad that we have to elect judges. It's one way for me to keep up with the Colville and Zappala families.

A lot of people don't realize this, but state law requires all Allegheny County ballots to contain at least one person named Zappala, Costa, Flaherty or Wecht.

In the event that no members of those families are available, Jay Jabbour is automatically selected to fill the vacant spot.

. . .

Trying to select judges is hard enough. In our borough, we had contested primaries for constable and tax collector.

Constables serve warrants and transport prisoners to and from hearings. I suppose I can understand why they're elected --- you want accountability in those positions --- but why do we need to elect a tax collector? Couldn't H&R Block do that job?

Local wage and income tax collectors are going to be phased out in Pennsylvania beginning this year. The elected tax collectors only handle property taxes, which must make them really popular at parties.

. . .

The only job that gets less respect than "tax collector" is "local journalist," and the only job that's lower than that is "Internet journalist."

Luckily, the position of "Internet journalist" isn't elected, because I'm not sure I'd win.

I don't even think I'd vote for me. I'd probably write in "extra pickles."

* --- Correction, Not Perfection: You know, I looked at the lottery's website, and it said "500 to 1," which didn't make logical sense to me. They meant that the payout was 500 to 1, not the odds of winning.

The Daily Number runs from 000 to 999, right? So your odds of getting the right number should be one in 1,000. I whiffed that, big time.

Thanks to Alert Reader Chris for pointing this out.