(Commentary/Editorial)

We are not going to be writing about the heat at Tube City Almanac.

We are not going to tell you that you should stay indoors, seek air-conditioned buildings if possible, avoid exertion, and drink lots of water.

If you are too stupid to understand that, you probably can't read, either.

I hate to sound like a social Darwinist or, for gawd's sake, a libertarian, but maybe events such as heat waves are nature's way of putting some much-needed chlorine into the gene pool.

. . .

Do you really need to be told that it's hot outside? Most reporters (or, more likely, their editors) seem to think so.

For instance, from the Tribune-Review this morning, I learned that taking a bath or shower is a good way to cool off. Also, Duquesne Light recommends not using heat-generating appliances, such as ovens. Killjoys!

Down in Monessen, the Valley Independent has this valuable tip: If someone is suffering from heat exhaustion, get them out of the sun and put cool, damp towels on their head. Really? I thought you were supposed to give them hot coffee, followed by a heating pad. No wonder I failed the entrance exam at the Pittsburgh Diesel Institute School of Medicine.

The Post-Gazette broke the news that ice cream and Popsicles are selling well, while in Uniontown, the Herald-Standard adds that swimming pools are also busy.

Whodathunkit?

. . .

I'm not one of those people who thinks that the Internet is killing newspapers. No, I think newspapers are committing suicide. Not one single person is going to plunk down 50 cents tomorrow (or more, in the case of the Post-Gazette) to read about the heat wave.

And it's not just newspapers. Last night on the 11 p.m. news, KDKA-TV reported that it's a good idea to apply sunscreen before spending time outdoors. WDUQ-FM explained that people should avoid "hot foods and heavy meals."

Apparently, if they didn't report on this heat wave, people would be walking around saying, "Gee, I'm sweating and getting a sunburn. I sure wish someone would explain this mysterious phenomenon. In the meantime, pass me another bowl of beef stew!"

. . .

The best commentary on these heat wave stories comes from former newspaper columnist Nancy Nall Derringer, a friend of the Tube City Almanac, who notes:

The heat-wave story makes you stupider just thinking about it, let alone reporting it.

On the metro desk of the Nance Times, we tell people that heat waves are an excellent time to exercise strenuously outdoors, right around 4 p.m.

Don't drink water; in fact, high heat is an excellent time to lose that pesky water weight. Have a beer if you're thirsty. Have five! Then have a long nap on the front lawn, preferably in direct sunlight.

Well, I'm not going to lay on the front lawn, but a couple of beers and a nap actually sounds like an excellent idea. Someone wake me in October.

. . .

Of course, there is some legitimate heat-related news. Several branches of the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh are closed because they don't have air conditioning, for instance. And speaking of air conditioning, Salon.com yesterday interviewed a science writer about how the technology actually can contribute to illnesses and hurt the environment.

Otherwise, a feature photo and an information box should be sufficient. Just tell me when the heat is going to subside. (Friday and Saturday, according to the National Weather Service. Like Simon and Garfunkel, I get all the news I need from the weather report.)

The rest --- to quote that noted journalism expert, Mr. T --- is just jibber-jabber.