Category: default || By jt3y

Choosing a mate, buying a house, declaring allegiance to a sports team ... they're all important, life-changing decisions. But to me, the most important choice that a red-blooded 'merkun male can make is a barber.

I've been going to the same barbershop for more than four years. It's a real, honest-to-goodness barbershop, not a damned hair salon or "family styling center," which means a honest-to-goodness barber cuts my hair, not some giggly 20-year-old girl. (And just to prove that I'm not a complete Neanderthal, they have a lady barber, too, but she's a solid, salt-of-the-earth type whose name isn't Brittany or Tiffany or Amber.)

I tried some of those "hair care" places, including all of the major chains. It seemed like every time I went, there were kids running all over the place, toys on the floor, women with their hair being put in curlers, and mirrored waiting rooms with giant glossy posters of androgynous people with frosted hair. There was almost always a boom box somewhere blasting out Kiss FM. Whenever I left it would take me hours to get the stink of perm solution and Bubble Yum out of my nose.

The barbershop that I use has Wahl clippers, straight razors and combs soaked in that greenish liquid (I think it's called barbicide, which sounds like something that happens when a mobster is angry over his haircut). The chairs where you wait have copies of Sports Illustrated and The Sporting News, not US and People. And the place is always busy, which tells me I'm not the only guy who doesn't want to get his hair cut in a beauty parlor.

It hasn't all been sweetness and light, as I've written about before. The shop recently raised the price of a haircut again, to $13, which strikes me as unfair ... at least to customers like me. I have half as much hair as most of the people there. Why should I pay the same price as everyone else? If you have a 1/4-acre lot, you don't pay the same to get your grass cut as a guy who has two acres, do you? A cynic might point out that it takes the barber that much longer to cut my hair because he has so much less to work with, but I digress.

Otherwise, in the main (or is that "mane"?), I'm happy with my barber. Except for one thing. I moved to North Bittyburg, on the edge of Our Fair City, almost one year ago. The barbershop is way over on the opposite side of Our Fair City and one town over. It wasn't so bad when I worked out in that direction, or even when I was regularly shopping in that part of town, but now it takes me a half-hour drive to get a haircut, which strikes me as a little foolish, especially when gas costs $2.30 a gallon.

So, the big life-changing question is: Should I find a new barbershop? There are two near my house and both have been there for a long, long time. They're run by guys with old-fashioned barber names like Vinnie and Dominic, and for my money, if a guy is willing paint his first and last name on the shop window, he must feel pretty confident in the quality of his haircuts.

But how do I check them out to make sure they do nice work? Based on the look of both shops, I have a strong suspicion that their regular clientele consists of retirees who get crewcuts or "baldies." If I walk in there, is the barber going to give me a crewcut, too? I still fancy myself young enough that I don't want to get a haircut that makes me look like an Alabama sheriff's deputy in 1958.

On the other hand, I also like a haircut that disguises (OK, not well) my bald spots, and presumably a barber who caters to guys in the 60s and 70s is going to be used to doing those kinds of jobs. (But for crying out loud, I don't want a combover. I still have a little bit of dignity left.)

It's too bad there isn't a rating system for barbers like there is for restaurants, or that barbershops aren't reviewed like movies. ("Tony Giacodomo's latest trim started out briskly, but began to drag toward the end, and the tight, well-planned trim along the sides was undermined by pronounced shagginess at the collar.")

I suppose I could stake the place out and watch the customers going in and out, maybe even take before and after photos. But that won't prove anything, will it? If the guy goes in asking for a "high and tight," a bowl cut, or a mullet, and the barber gives it to him, that doesn't prove he's a bad barber.

Eventually, I guess, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and try one of the shops. And if things go completely wrong, at least I have a large selection of hats to wait until the damage grows out. Or in my case, falls out.