Category: default || By jt3y

I'm thinking about putting on my best dirty trenchcoat, hiding in an alley, and calling out to people like Sheldon Leonard: "Psst. Hey, buddy? C'mere. Wanna buy some cold tablets? I got Sudafed, Contac, Dimetapp, store brands. Good stuff."

Betcha I get more than a few customers, at least until my friendly neighborhood narco agent swoops down from a helicopter and busts me.

Hay fever, my friends, has driven me to contemplate a life of crime. I've had sinus problems for as long as I can remember, and none of the big nationally-advertised prescription medications --- Allegra, Clairton ... er, I mean, Claritin, Flonase, Zyrtec, Alavert --- have done anything for me. Instead of draining my sinuses, they pack 'em up, so that after a week or so, my head is thumping like the floors of Heinz Field during a Steelers rally.

Finally, in frustration, I asked my druggist two years ago what I should do. "A lot of people have luck with pseudoephedrine," he said, handing me a package of Contac.

Contac? Good ol' Contac? Get out of dodge. Surely there were better products available than Contac, which came out in the '60s, I think.

Glory, hallelujah, was I wrong. My nose unstuffed, my head cleared, and my eyes stopped watering. So I started taking two Contac tablets --- one in the morning, one at night --- every day.

And then about a year ago, I ran out, needed them in a hurry, and I stopped into a big chain drugstore near my office. They didn't have Contac, or Dimetapp, or Sudafed, or anything else containing pseudoephedrine. I ended up snuffling my way through the rest of the day until I could get to my regular pharmacist.

A few months later, I was back in the same drugstore and saw that the brands were back on the shelves --- not the products themselves, just the brand names, printed on little plastic tickets. To buy a box of Contac or Dimetapp, you have to take the little plastic ticket to a pharmacist.

You see, addicts have been synthesizing crystal methamphetamine from cold tablets containing pseudoephedrine, so Pennsylvania --- like more than two dozen other states --- is trying to further restrict over the counter sales.

On the surface, this wouldn't seem to be that big of a deal. It didn't to me, since I usually buy my fix ... er, medicine ... from my friendly neighborhood druggist. His store is small enough that everything is behind the counter --- there's no ticket system. And he sees me on a regular basis, so he knows I'm not an addict. (OK, I'm addicted to these. But that's it! Honest! And I can quit any time I want!)

But buying the damned pills from anyone else is a real pain in the keister.

Take a certain large retail chain whose name I will not mention, but whose obnoxious TV commercials feature a bull terrier dog with a bull's eye painted on his face.

When I purchased a 10-pack of cold tablets there, the pharmacy employee made a copy of my driver's license, demanded my phone number, and made me sign a paper certifying that I wasn't going to go home and cook up a batch of meth with them. Personally, I don't want that large retail chain having my name, address, driver's license number and phone number. It's none of them damned business ... and who knows what else they're going to do with the information?

Or take the certain large chain drugstore near my office. Go ahead and take the ticket up to the pharmacist. You'll go through a similar inquiry, and have to fill out a form, and then answer questions. I think I'd have less trouble trying to fill a prescription for codeine that was written out on "Hello Kitty" stationery.

Something else bothers me: I'm usually dressed like a sober, responsible citizen, often in a suit and tie. What happens to some poor guy who drives a garbage truck ... or Lord forbid, is a minority ... when he tries to buy some cold tablets? If I'm already getting the third degree, I'll bet he's getting the fourth or fifth degree.

It amazes me that I could buy any number of harmful products --- razor blades, cigarettes, cans of lighter fluid, lye, carbolic acid, copies of the National Enquirer --- in the very same stores without having to fill out forms or ask for permission. Everything except the cigarettes are right there on the shelf, and could do a lot more damage to my health, or someone else's, than cold tablets.

I suppose I wouldn't mind a little inconvenience, if this rigamarole was actually keeping crystal meth off of the streets of Our Fair City and its environs. But Alert Reader Jonathan sent me a link to a New York Times story that indicates that the lack of home-grown hillbilly crank is fueling imports of much more potent meth from Mexico:

"Our burglaries have just skyrocketed," said Jerry Furness, who represents Buchanan County, 150 miles northeast of Des Moines, on the Iowa drug task force. "The state asks how the decrease in meth labs has reduced danger to citizens, and it has, as far as potential explosions. But we've had a lot of burglaries where the occupants are home at the time, and that's probably more of a risk. So it's kind of evening out."

Shocking --- restricting access to something only drove the price higher, and increased the seriousness of crime! Gee, that's never happened before.

The Times says that "in many of the states with recent pseudoephedrine restrictions, frustration with the stubborn rate of addiction has moved the discussion from enforcement to treatment and demand reduction. That discussion, officials say, will be much tougher."

Well, duh, again.

In the meantime, our elected representatives in the U.S. Congress are preparing to create federal laws restricting the sale of over-the-counter cold medicines with pseudoephedrine, despite the fact that such restrictions on the state level aren't keeping the bad guys from getting meth. And lest you think I'm picking on Republicans, this is bipartisan hackery --- U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, Democrat from California, is one of the people pushing such legislation.

(Feinstein's office helpfully suggests that the drug companies can "reformulate their cold medicines without using pseudoephedrine." Genius logic there. Well, my sinuses and I would like to point out that if something else worked as well, they wouldn't have to sell pseudoephedrine, would they? Aspirin works for some people; acetaminophen works for others. We don't take one or the other off the market and tell the people who need it, "Tough luck.")

To me, this is a symptom of the paranoia that is running amok in this country --- the paranoia that leads the feds to start tapping phone calls without warrants or probable cause, and half the country thinks that's "OK"; the paranoia that has led us to line up, like sheep in pens, at the airport so that harassed civil servants can investigate our underwear, while the government fails to take the concrete actions necessary to actually make travel safer.

And instead of sealing the border against drug trafficking ... or investing money and time into effective treatment centers ... we're taking legal, effective medications with safe uses off the market.

I'm not saying that there's any maliciousness at work. But to quote the late, great Mike Royko: "For every honest, inoffensive, harmless citizen, there is a bureaucrat waiting for a chance to goof him up."

In the name of safety, the bureaucrats are goofing up more people than ever these days. I keep waiting for the pendulum to swing back the other way ... and I guess I may have to keep waiting.

Until then, does anyone know one of these Mexican drug mules? Mind you, I don't want anything except advice.

I figure that if they have so little trouble bringing crystal meth into the United States, maybe they can suggest some ways that I can buy a package of Dimetapp without submitting to a body cavity search.

...

Elsewhere in the News: Au revoir, le magnifique. No wonder he's had so many health problems --- he's been carrying a hockey team on his back for 20 years.